AIBU to expect my ex to tell me about overnight trips?

[Bluedeep]

Am I justified or overreacting?
My DS is 4 and starting school in September. My ex is married with a 1 year old DS and has our son Thursday morning until Sunday morning every week. My DS SM is due to end her maternity in a few weeks.

I have just picked him up and he was telling me they went to Drayton Manor for the weekend to meet Thomas and stayed in a Thomas themed room at the hotel. I asked my ex about it and he said they did and had a great time. They left on Thursday morning and stayed in the hotel Thursday and Friday night as a little treat for DS and his sister before his wife goes back to work.
Drayton Manor is about 3 and a half hours drive from where we live.

I was so angry at my ex, telling him he should not be taking my DS away overnight without asking permission first. My ex did not agree and has said as his dad he is free to make plans on his days.

I just don’t agree and think he should be asking me before doing anything like driving so far away. I had a similar reaction a year ago when I found out he had driven to Cadbury World for the day and didn’t tell me.

Am I in the right or am I overreacting?

So they get back to their routine the next day? Live a little. Sounds like Drayton Manor was fab

You actually sound unhinged. Poor kid.

she is co parenting, I have no idea how she parents

the message over and over again is your ex is great he looks after his son and takes him to nice places

no he is doing what a parent should do taking care of his child and being kind to them

the bar is so low for men that we should celebrate that 🙄

Sorry OP but I do agree with this. I have four children and they have all had nights away and weekends away with a parent or both parents since around 6 months old. Various fun trips or weddings. Of course he's not too young for a night away.

Broadly speaking I agree with you, for years people would say to me that it was “so good” that my ex wanted to see our child. As if spending time with one’s own child isn’t the barest of minimums.

However here it does seem that the op’s ex is actually the one bothering to be child centric in the time spent with their shared child. Maybe she hasn’t put the situation across as well as she could have, in her haste to try and make her ex sound like the bad guy.

It's not that, it's just that the dad has done something quite special and sweet for the kid. It's an out of the ordinary special occasion trip completely centred around this child.

@Bluedeep I'm glad you have recognised that you are overreacting.

You have no say over what your ex does with your son whilst he's with his dad.
But it does no harm for him to be away for a couple of nights, you don't need to worry about his routine being changed (unless he's severely ND and any change triggers meltdowns).

It's really important not to make your son feel anxious or fearful of telling you if he's been away with his dad - that's really not fair on him.

Your anxiety about these trips is entirely a 'you' problem, and, kindly, you need to figure out a way of dealing with it.

and do we say what a great mum and the dad should be grateful, no we do not ....

when society gives that message to the mum they are giving it to a child too ... i and my single mum friends have heard it so many times. I am making sure my ds does not feel this way that he should be grateful or I should be as he one day he will likely be a father and its expected of him to be as good a parent as the child/children's mother

The op's ex sounds like a nice responsible caring dad that should be the basic standard for all nrp who are usually dad.

As as I posted before while I feel there is not need to be angry I do feel communication (not a break down of every minute) is extremely important if nothing to show your child/children that all involved care and all are invested in them

A trip to Thomas Land and overnight stay is NOT basic.

Being fed clothed and having a clean warm bed is basic

its being kind to your child

where is the need to be grateful that the child has a kind father 🙄

No she’s failing in spending all
get child’s leisure time alone with her partner relaxing!

It’s like a mother can do no wrong! She’s not being fair and off loading her responsibilities.

Well given he has a mother who would rather spend time with her partner and who thinks a child shouldn’t have nights away I would say it’s a good job that he has a father who puts him first!

Shame OP doesn’t like that kindness!

She’s not even grateful that he’s doing this stuff whilst she’s relaxing, she actually angry!

He definitely shouldn't need to get your permission, but I understand wanting to know when your son is staying somewhere unfamiliar overnight.

I think you should apologize to your ex for framing it as a question of permission, but that you'd really appreciate it if he told you as a courtesy next time. And make sure you tell him if you do decide to go anywhere overnight.

I also think you should reframe your attitude to being the 'main parent'. While that might legally be the case, in reality it's as close to 50/50 while being convenient to your schedules, and it's just not nice to imply he's less of a parent than you, especially when you are looking for a favour from him.

And why is that an issue exactly ....

they co parent

You are being so unreasonable I don’t know where to start.

It is her business, it’s her son for crying out loud.

I would want to know where my DS was. I agree she doesn’t need to consulted about every decision his father makes during their time together, but an over night stay in this country somewhere, it would have been courteous to let her know.

Imagine if anything happened to him and she hadn’t got a clue where he was.

Why is that an issue?

Because she’s angry when the child’s other parent is being a good parent, working, giving his child a great time, providing maintenance and paying for wonderful trips.

She responds with …….. anger.

That’s a huge issue! And one she needs to address, it’s not enough to just say “I’m main care giver”, which she barely is.

Well someone would inform her wouldn't they if something happened

Familes with 1 or 2 parents go away with young children all the time. Your son is not too young. You are using that as an excuse as he did something really fun with his Dad that you have never done with him. Actually I think you are jealous.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. You should know where they are at all times, especially when they're so young.

He should at the very least have the decency to tell you what he intends to do, not just go ahead and do it. Do you do the same for him? He sounds quite irresponsible to be honest.

The OP still hasn't explained why she's saying he's too young to go away overnight and has also said she's taken him away on holiday. Those are contradictory positions.

I think with this thread it’s more the fact he is a good dad and she’s whinging about that…

Sorry op id class your ex as main carer as he sees him more as it's over the weekend..as it's so close to be 50:50 I'm surprised he pays maintenance. It's great your son is an important part of his dads life

And the op posted that she has probably over reacted and she is anxious

hopefully she has learnt we can’t all be perfect parents all the time