What people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after a long relationship?

[MoodyAndNaive]

I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity.

Me (45) and my ex-boyfriend (45) were together for 15 years. He travelled a lot for work, and by then things were already not great between us. (no kids)

During Covid he went to Spain and kept saying he couldn’t come back yet, but was “coming next week.” He did visit a few times.
At one point I had to move flats. He said he was happy to help and, again, was “coming next week.” I even suggested maybe I should look for a flatshare or studio instead, because I wasn’t sure I could afford our place alone.
After the move, 8 months after we signed the new lease, he finally arrived. As a joke, I asked:
“Did you get married?”
“No.”
“Do you have a child?”
“Yes.”

The child was already two years old, meaning he had hidden the pregnancy and birth from me for around three years. He had visited me several times during that period, even shortly before the baby was born, and never said anything.
Hence I dont feel guilty for taking any money.
He claimed he wasn’t really in a relationship, and ask if maybe I could eventually move to Spain.

Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first. My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far.

Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)? AIBNU

Or We not longer live in the '50s? AIBU

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

I guess once the lease is done assuming you both signed it he has no legal liability.

Well, I feel awful for you because of the way he lied. That's awful.

But I can't quite understand the situation. It doesn't sound as if he thought you were together during Covid, which is years ago now. Then you got back together and signed a lease together, is that right? And at the same time he told you he'd had a child and another relationship for two years.

I think he imagines he's paying for your 'services' rather than actually being in a relationship. I think it must be terrible for your self-respect and basic sense of self. You need to get out of there, find a place you can afford to rent on your own, and forget about him.

Covid was years ago so you could have left at any point. Plan to leave , give notice to the landlord and start afresh

Can you see what the penalty of breaking the lease would be? He should pay at least 50% of that, if not all, and then you have a clean split to find something more affordable.

Is he on the lease now? If not, he could stop paying at any time theoretically so you want to try and get out of this arrangement asap if poss.

Oh, and sorry, I didn't properly answer the question in the first line.

I would say for a relationship where you have no children, and mostly didn't live together for the last few years, it's rough, but I wouldn't expect financial support for more than maybe a few weeks until you could get a lease sorted for yourself. Maybe the time to the break clause/end of tenancy date at the absolute outside.

So you split up 5 years ago? And he is still
Paying your rent?

yes he behaved awfully but you shouldn’t be dependent on him at all now

OP, you say you were together for fifteen years, but clearly, you were apart for a chunk of it, if he’s only visited you sporadically over the last three years. It seems that he wants to make his life in Spain while you want to stay here. I’m afraid that hard as it is for you, he doesn’t owe you anything. He’s already checked out of your relationship if he’s been off and had a baby with someone else, and that baby is now two. Why should it matter whether it would make a difference if you were married? You’re not.

Ex boyfriend I’d not expect any support beyond untangling yourself financially from any joint obligations.
I’d end your joint lease as soon as you can and move on with your life. He’s shown himself to be untrustworthy.
If you were married and divorcing then obviously different as you had a legal contract and there would be pension splitting etc. Spousal support is rare now post divorce especially if no shared children.

It sounds like you broke up 6 years ago but he is still paying your rent…?
And I guess your point is that had you been married you would have access to half his assets but as a partner / girlfriend what is acceptable?

I would say that sadly, that is the point of Marriage. It is that financial commitment.

Sadly, he owes you nothing now. Even though it is financially hard, you must become more independent.
Can you re-train or study for further qualifications in order to get better paid work?

It is shockingly expensive to pay rent in the UK as a single person, so you may need to consider a house-share situation, or moving elsewhere etc.

Covid - but not that many years ago.
He did not mention the pregnancy as 'it was not sure' (complications). He claimed that he was not in a relationship with her, but they tried to make it work when the child was born.
obvs i can see he showed up when it got rocky.
We did not break up until he announced the child.

You wouldn't be getting financial support six years after a nine-year marriage with no kids either though, would you? Not in the situation the OP has described.

Are you insane? Walk away, and find your own rental or flat share. Let him sort out the lease termination, and that’s it.

He owes you nothing more than 1/2 the lease

We broke up maybe a little over a year ago, when he announced the child.
He could have said earlier, but he avoided the topic.

What do you mean, Covid but not that many years ago? Covid was years ago.

I can absolutely believe he showed up at yours when it got rocky - that's a horrible thing he did. And I'm so sorry. But reading between the lines, obviously he was in a relationship with her, or at least he was not in a committed relationship with you. He didn't live with you!

I think either he would have a different story about 'when' you were in a relationship and when you broke up ... or, he simply lied to you and kept stringing you along with 'sure we're in a relationship' for ages.

It is awful, but it is also a really clear sign you need to draw a line under it all and move on.

Aren't you a bit disgusted that he's still, seemingly, offering money? What does he expect in return? It doesn't feel healthy.

Are you still sleeping together ?

Trying to work out what he gets out of this arrangement

I’m not sure what Covid has to do with it all then! But even splitting a year ago you have had more than long enough to separate things. All your doing now is blurring boundaries

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

Honestly? Yes. But you didn’t get married which means he doesn’t owe you anything. It sounds as though you haven’t really been together for the last 6 years anyway, a bit confusing!

what if we were married?
During these 15 years I moved around with him, as his job was more important, hence my situation now.

I don't think it would be usual at all for you to get anything out of a marriage where there are no dependent children, no.

They are not together. Last time he visited was like a years ago. The break up - 2 years ago. No sex.

You aren’t married and you have no dependents. Get on with your life!

Not married and no joint children, a few weeks at best. You need to be supporting yourself.

I don't understand, OP.

You broke up a year ago and you have no children together but you are still expecting financial support from him? Why?!

Obviously, if you signed a lease together, then you are jointly responsible for that and he should pay his fair share of the cost of breaking the lease, but that's surely where his obligations end?

But its rental property so its end the lease and find somewhere you can both afford. Sposal maintence is usually only paid if you were a homemaker and didnt work at all for years to support him. You dont own a home together, no mutual assets, he gave you money for years he didnt need too. No you arent entitled to any support