What people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after a long relationship?

[MoodyAndNaive]

I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity.

Me (45) and my ex-boyfriend (45) were together for 15 years. He travelled a lot for work, and by then things were already not great between us. (no kids)

During Covid he went to Spain and kept saying he couldn’t come back yet, but was “coming next week.” He did visit a few times.
At one point I had to move flats. He said he was happy to help and, again, was “coming next week.” I even suggested maybe I should look for a flatshare or studio instead, because I wasn’t sure I could afford our place alone.
After the move, 8 months after we signed the new lease, he finally arrived. As a joke, I asked:
“Did you get married?”
“No.”
“Do you have a child?”
“Yes.”

The child was already two years old, meaning he had hidden the pregnancy and birth from me for around three years. He had visited me several times during that period, even shortly before the baby was born, and never said anything.
Hence I dont feel guilty for taking any money.
He claimed he wasn’t really in a relationship, and ask if maybe I could eventually move to Spain.

Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first. My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far.

Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)? AIBNU

Or We not longer live in the '50s? AIBU

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

Why do you keep asking what if you were married? You weren’t, a choice you both made. You didn’t give up a fantastic career to raise shared children and even if you had there’s no reason to believe he’d be made to bankroll you for years following divorce.

In 2022 travel was still restricted. The things were blurry, yes.
Maybe it was enough time. I did not have proper focus on my work, at times I did projects for/with him as he would be away for work and sometimes I would go with him.
Proper horror story from '50s.

His treatment of you was awful but that doesn't mean he should be financially supporting you. My pride would not allow me to be financially supported by an ex (unless he was providing for joint DC). I think you need to stop taking money from him and stand on your own two feet.

I don't think you can trust a word he tells you, TBH.

You know he's lied to you.

You know he wasn't living with you, and lied repeatedly about when he'd come back.

Maybe he's married to this woman and in a relationship - who knows? Maybe he isn't. Maybe there's some other poor fool you don't even know about.

The point is, he's clearly not with you and he hasn't been remotely committed to this relationship for years.

15 years. A lot of our friends did got get married until long after having a child. Sometimes till a second.
I did not have proper focus on my work, at times I did projects for/with him as he would be away for work and sometimes I would go with him.
He mum was SAHM. I am not saying I had a great career, but some decisions affected my work prospects, hence the huge gap in our salaries (5:1)

You weren't though, so it's irrelevant.

Well you’ve made a series of poor choices and they have consequences. Other people’s relationships are irrelevant.

Even if you were married and renting, after divorce both would go their separate ways financially…
It sounds like you’re still in shock and coming to terms with it, and I am awfully sorry for you.
It does sound like you’ve put your own career on the back burner to move around with him, and he has totally betrayed your trust.

It is a lot to work through and a therapist can help… but sadly, you are financially on your own now.
The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can fight for yourself! 💪

Being married is irrelevant. You're a grown up, he owes you nothing. If you have a joint lease, I can understand why he would need to pay his share until you can get out of it but you should both be looking for the fastest possible exit otherwise, to use your word, you are actually a leach.

Kindly, surely you see what's going on here? He's rich, he's been paying you to keep you sweet whilst he's been off getting on with his life, getting other women pregnant. Get out as soon as possible, this is a really unhealthy, unsavoury relationship - you deserve more.

The dynamic of the relationship is affected.
I can understand the reasoning that the verbal promise not = written promise, is not equal for a lot of people.
I am questioning the disregard of 15 yrs relationship and as less than 2 years marriage.

He doesnt owe you anything at all.

I am questioning the disregard of 15 yrs relationship and as less than 2 years marriage.

But why do you keep going on about marriage when you two weren't married?

You really need to change your mindset here as it's making you feel entitled to something that you're not.

He should only be paying half the rent until end of the tenancy, or paying half to break the tenancy.

It does not matter if you were married or not as the outcome is the same (you have no joint children). He is not responsible for you, his only responsibility is to the tenancy contract.

It's time to make your own decisions based on your job and finances only. If you can't afford to live somewhere by yourself then you move or get a second/better job. Same as everyone else in the world.

OK, No responsibility. He had 3 years to tell me about his relationship. He didnt. After that he paid his share for 1 year.
He was not rich when we met ( 20 years ago). We worked for the same company.
(I understand you against all divorce settlements in favour of the worse of spouse.)

You aren't married, you don't have kids, you split up a year ago. He owes you nothing at this stage and has been more than generous subsidising you for the last year.
Time to pull up your breeches and stand on your own two feet.

15 years of relationship in your head... but clearly not his! Have some self-respect and stop looking for ways to leach off him. He's treated you awfully but you've been incredibly naive. Get out now and move on.

Marriage is a legal contract.

You do not have the benefit of that.

Your ex who you’ve been estranged from for a large part of that time (say three / four years) has no ongoing commitment to you.

Get out of the lease and on with your life.

Don’t compromise like this in the future and get therapy to understand why you tolerated this nonsense or believed his crap.

Op but you are a grown adult yourself and need to take responsibility. There were massive red flags which you chose to ignore. It’s seems like it was over a very long time ago. The fact that you are still very dependent on him now, means that you probably knew what was going on but needed him financially. If that isn’t the case, there’s nothing stopping you right this instant to downsize your life and support yourself.

Let's turn this around. You've been together for 15 years, what do you owe him? Why is it just him that has to support you? As well as expecting him to support you, do you also expect to support him?

And you need to give up the idea of the scenario under marriage. You would be laughed out of any court or room if you think of using that argument. So it really is time to move on

Because we were not married? Even if I took care of the house and moved to another country for a year because he had better job opportunity? I guess good I did not agree to kids with him.
Yes, my mistake 'dont that this job promotion, because it will make our schedules too different.'

That’s exactly why marriage isn’t a piece of paper for all the cool girls

Correct.

Marriage is a financial agreement as much as anything else OP, and it is an agreement you did not make. Comparing to marriage is pointless because the legal stance is what matters and your legal stance is- you get nothing.

Honestly, marriage has very little to do with it.

Had you been married for 15 years, renting during that time, without children, I cannot imagine you would be awarded anything very much. You don't have joint assets like a house. You don't have children to raise. I suppose there might conceivably be a situation where you had some claim on his pension? But realistically, maintenance going forward (which is what you seem to be talking about) is something you generally only get if you are raising the children of that relationship, and doing so more than 50% of the time.

It's not normal any more for childless couples to divorce and for the better-off spouse to be expected to fund the less-well-off one.