What people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after a long relationship?

[MoodyAndNaive]

I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity.

Me (45) and my ex-boyfriend (45) were together for 15 years. He travelled a lot for work, and by then things were already not great between us. (no kids)

During Covid he went to Spain and kept saying he couldn’t come back yet, but was “coming next week.” He did visit a few times.
At one point I had to move flats. He said he was happy to help and, again, was “coming next week.” I even suggested maybe I should look for a flatshare or studio instead, because I wasn’t sure I could afford our place alone.
After the move, 8 months after we signed the new lease, he finally arrived. As a joke, I asked:
“Did you get married?”
“No.”
“Do you have a child?”
“Yes.”

The child was already two years old, meaning he had hidden the pregnancy and birth from me for around three years. He had visited me several times during that period, even shortly before the baby was born, and never said anything.
Hence I dont feel guilty for taking any money.
He claimed he wasn’t really in a relationship, and ask if maybe I could eventually move to Spain.

Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first. My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far.

Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)? AIBNU

Or We not longer live in the '50s? AIBU

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

Sounds like you took a gamble on a man that didn’t pay off and were too short-sighted to make sure you had a backup plan for your lifestyle without him. I’d dust off my self-respect and stop wasting time pondering on what would have happened if you were married.

YABU
Why would you expect your ex-boyfriend to support you financially? He is a shit but not responsible for you. You are not his child.

I’m so confused - the two of you were in a committed relationship but you dated throughout and he had a child with someone in Spain who he “tried to make it work with” at the same time you were a couple?

I’m afraid there simply is no obligation beyond perhaps a moral one on his part to support you at all. If you don’t have children then why couldn’t your career also take off? You say you moved around for him but clearly he lived in a different country from you for an least 3 years so how were you prevented from succeeding?

I’d say continuing to support an ex girlfriend for a year after splitting up was exceptionally generous. I mean, he’s clearly an absolute bastard in other ways but still…..
Yabu. You say you don’t want to be a leech but this is the absolute definition of leeching.

@MoodyAndNaive what do you think? Do you feel like all relationships should automatically come with a mingling of finances after a certain time? That all relationships of a certain length are essentially the same as marriage? If so what's the point of marriage?

(All somewhat by the by given that even if married you'd not be entitled to ongoing support olafter divorce)

I’m confused by your questions. You weren’t married. You knew you had no legal contract.
If you were acting to your financial detriment eg he was wanting you to act as a trailing ‘spouse’ then you have the conversation and spend £150 in registry office and you get protection of marriage. Or if marriage isn’t for you go the civil partnership route - same legal protections.
We don’t have common law marriage or de facto in England and Wales. Quick google tells you that.
He’s continued to support you way beyond what most people would do for an ex girlfriend. I don’t understand why you don’t just move on and have nothing to do with him. Obviously cut your cloth to live according to your own means.

Lets see so if a couple is married with kids, she can get support for the kids, but once they grow up and move out she should be cut off. Even tho the couple made a decision together, and she lost on her job progression.

Not just she should be cut off, she is.
You have a very strange view of the world if you think any higher earned should pay indefinitely towards an ex’s life with no dependents in the mix

Yes. That’s what happens. Get your own job.

Lets see so if a couple is married with kids, she can get support for the kids, but once they grow up and move out she should be cut off. Even tho the couple made a decision together, and she lost on job progression.

We lived together for 10 years and planned to buy a flat together. When someone says 'dont worry about money, I got you.' (sure, because its easier, because he had better prospects at that time).
You keep working but can see the widening gap in income. Should we split the rent in half and live in a cave?

Yep she is. She is expected to get herself back to work and manage on what she earns. Perhaps try it?

Why is anyone living in a cave? Work for your income, pay your own rent in accommodation you can afford.

Not complicated.

Carping on about 15 years and how you should have the protections of marriage when you opted out of marriage is bizarre.

FFS OP!
When you were together, you could pool money, pay half, live in a cave or a mansion….. whatever the hell you liked.

Now you are single and need to cut your cloth to the level you can afford. He is under ZERO obligation to pay your way for you.

What "verbal promise" do you mean? Did he promise that even if you broke up he'd give you money for life?

And per your other post, he didn't "abandon" you. You broke up, something like a year ago. And then (from what I can make out, posts aren't very clear) he carried on giving you money? You need to get a job and stop relying on your ex boyfriend. Hopefully you spend the last year saving and if necessary retraining?

"Took care of the house"? that's not comparable with quitting work to raise children I'm afraid. Presumably he "took care of" the bills and mortgage so what did you do? Admin and chores in your own house don't entitle you to future money.

It might seem unfair but that's the way it is. Unless there's something you've left out you're capable of standing on your own 2 feet.

Your mindset that you should be financially supported has no bearing on reality.

If she is out of work for 5/6 years caring for kids, she will not achieve same level of income as he has, even if they started at the same point. Ive seen couples at crises because she did not want to stay more than 6 months off. He wanted to have more kids.
I really did not think to hear here that a woman should sacrifice they work prospects, ask for nothing and having acknowledged the disparity of income that comes with maternity.
That the woman would be penalised here. Sure she can go back to work, but not the same work and not the same level.

He could have not lie and not signed the lease. When we met we earned 25K, we were 26 yrs old, I progressed to 35K, he got 130K (travel and projects overseas). 5 years of work experience when you are 35 something is huge in terms of salary. Sure I could have said I was not moving and we could both stay at 35K.

If you are married with children and divorce then there would be a split of any assets and pension sharing. Spousal maintenance is very rare. Possibly short term to allow a spouse to get on feet and retrain. But adults are expected to support themselves.

If married then divorce attempts to level the playing field in the event of a split by giving lump sum/family home/% of pension to a wife who made sacrifices.

However, for the unmarried, there are no such legal protections and you should have protected yourself with marriage.

Nobody here is saying women should give everything up for men and expect nothing when they break up - we are telling you the legal obligations upon an ex who you were never married to and that is that there are none.

Re your maternity comparison - Getting financial support for decades until children are adults is not "nothing". Of course mothers whose earnings are affected while providing childcare should get support from the father of the child/ren.

I don't see what that has to do with your situation. You didn't quit/ reduce work to raise his children. You say you didn't take better paid work to suit his "schedule", and went abroad for one year out of 15. You got something out of this too, working in presumably an easier role, having your bills paid and travelling with your rich boyfriend. Not exactly 2am waking, childbirth and nappies is it.

Now you've broken up he doesn't have to pay you back from the extra money you say you'd have made if you weren't spending his. I'm self employed, if my DP and I break up should I invoice him for what I could have made on the days I was spending time with him?

Lets see so if a couple is married with kids, she can get support for the kids, but once they grow up and move out she should be cut off. Even tho the couple made a decision together, and she lost on job progression.

You keep repeating this. You weren't married though. You have no legal relationship. And you don't have kids.

After a long marriage where one spouse has given up their career to raise kids, then yes, they can claim part of working spouses pension and any house equity etc. You have not given up a career to raise kids. Any decisions you made around your job and moving with him were not for the benefit of children. Even a long marriage without children creates an entitlement. But you did not marry him.

I know you are holding onto it being a 15 year relationship but COVID started 6 years ago. He has clearly not been committed to you for at least that long. You also say in an earlier post that you dated and it reads as if it was during this period. So you were not exclusive with him either. This relationship was always a lot more casual than the meaning you are placing on it now, as you face the fact that you are in your 40s and alone. I know that is painful, but it is not on him to financially support you on an ongoing basis.

You split up 4 or 5 years ago, time to move out and move on.

Correct. Even if you were married, you rent your property so the only marital assets would be your pensions (whether you had any claim on his would be dependent on several factors) and any savings/investments, which would be split between you. You’ve got no dependents together, spousal maintenance is not a thing in the uk unless in extreme circumstances.

What are you expecting? You moved around at your own choice. Yes, he was a total bastard to have a relationship with someone else and have a child with them but that doesn’t mean he has to pay your rent indefinitely!

In the nicest way I can possibly say this; you’re on your own, kid. Find somewhere you can afford to live and start actually living instead of ruminating on what he did and didn’t do. And cut him out of your life.

Why didn’t you go for the same role as him though with the big pay rise?
Or if you decided as a couple he’d do the high paid role and you be a trailing ‘spouse’ then have the conversation about how you’ll need to be a spouse to do that, if not you aren’t coming.