What people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after a long relationship?

[MoodyAndNaive]

I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity.

Me (45) and my ex-boyfriend (45) were together for 15 years. He travelled a lot for work, and by then things were already not great between us. (no kids)

During Covid he went to Spain and kept saying he couldn’t come back yet, but was “coming next week.” He did visit a few times.
At one point I had to move flats. He said he was happy to help and, again, was “coming next week.” I even suggested maybe I should look for a flatshare or studio instead, because I wasn’t sure I could afford our place alone.
After the move, 8 months after we signed the new lease, he finally arrived. As a joke, I asked:
“Did you get married?”
“No.”
“Do you have a child?”
“Yes.”

The child was already two years old, meaning he had hidden the pregnancy and birth from me for around three years. He had visited me several times during that period, even shortly before the baby was born, and never said anything.
Hence I dont feel guilty for taking any money.
He claimed he wasn’t really in a relationship, and ask if maybe I could eventually move to Spain.

Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first. My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far.

Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)? AIBNU

Or We not longer live in the '50s? AIBU

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

OP I'm not sure I understand. He was away a lot and you found out he had a child. But his was at least 5 years ago and the child was then 2. You stayed with him anyway. I'm guessing for his high income. You now are splitting but think you're entitled to his money? I dont think you are. It was awful of him to not tell you he'd had a child but you chose to stay with him for years after that so I don't see why that's relevant.

That proves that fight for gay marriage was legitimate. That marriages that last less than a year or 2 (after 6 months relationship) are more serious.

Personally I would be very much against cohabiting couples having the same rights/responsibilities to each other as married couples. It would remove the ability for grown adults to choose to live together without entangling finances. Marry, don't marry, you have a choice.

That said from the occasional visits referenced it doesn't really seem like OP and ex were even really cohabiting.

OP, I'm not sure why you keep going on about what might have been the case if you were married. You did not enter into that legal commitment so it simply isn't relevant.

But for what it's worth, I don't think you should be entitled to ongoing financial support now even if you had been married. You are a grown adult and you don't have any children. Why on earth do you think it should be a man's job to support you?

You are no longer in a relationship with him and he has no responsibility for you. Yes, he treated you badly and that's rubbish, but that doesn't create any financial obligations.

Even if you were married he would still owe you nothing legally. Why can't you understand that?

You chose to move countries, you chose to leave jobs. They were your decisions. You gambled on him being a life partner and you lost.

I'm sorry as I can imagine you are hurt and upset but you have to start standing on your on two feet (or return to your parents while you figure it out). Finding a new place to live will be a good start.

OP so it’s been a year? I would say the length of the tenancy was a reasonable time for him to agree to continue to pay his share even if you didn’t live together, but now it’s been a year, you need to find a new property alone you can afford.

“what if we were married” is irrelevant, you could have got married but you didn’t make that choice. You made choices to move around for his job, prioritising his career over your own without getting married. This is the downside.

I agree except that it is increasingly unusual for maintenance payments to be made to spouses on divorce, generally the courts will opt for
a clean break with division of any property and cover payment of child support payments rather than ongoing spousal maintenance.

As the op doesn’t have children with her ex and rents, i think she has done as well as she would if she and her ex had been married but now needs to move into a house she can afford on her own.

He always travelled. I moved around with him. He went to meet clients in Spain. Travel restrictions varied by country. He overstayed, I did not question. He visited few times, maintaining that is just busy and not seeing anyone. (family issues, father etc)

WE/I had to move. All good. Later he showed up and only admitted having a child after I asked. However he claimed it was a hook up, they tried make it work because of the kid.

He never said anything. Practically he said he wanted us to work for quite some time after the revelation. I gave him ways out - I said I would get a flatshare, he said no.

Me - I dated. Sure. But we had know each other for over 15 years. We had same salary when we met.

It sounds a bit hostile that all seem to think that abandoning someone is cool.

Most people would find it weird that you expect your ex to continue supporting you. Doesn’t matter that he earns five times your pay. You made the decision to follow him around. Doesn’t sound like he coerced you.

Even if you’d been married, you would now be divorced and he still wouldn’t be expected to financially/emotionally support you.

Abandoning someone isn't cool. But it doesn't create a financial liability either.

If you chose to follow him on his overseas trips to the detriment of your own career progression but without the legal protection of marriage, then that was a risk that you chose to take and you presumably did it because you enjoyed the lifestyle at the time.

You need to accept the fact that he doesn't owe you anything.

It sounds a bit hostile that all seem to think that abandoning someone is cool.

Oh, don't be so silly. Either you're on the wind-up or you're being very childish. Lots of people have expressed sympathy for you and have been quite clear that what he did was deeply unpleasant.

It sounds a bit hostile that all seem to think that abandoning someone is cool.

You're either completely misunderstanding the vast majority of posts, or being obtuse.

No-one has said it's cool.

But again, whether it's cool or not is about as irrelevant as you talking about marriage.

Clients?! 🤣 Oh come on. He was travelling the world living his best life. Presumably a woman in every port.

Wake up! You've been his bit on the side. He owes you nothing.

I wouldn’t expect to be supported by anyone after we’d split up.

Why do you want anything to do with a man who cheated on you and had a child with someone else? Burn the bridges.

Oh do grow up.
You made choices. Now they turn out to have been bad ones. But you have no kids to worry about. Reclaim your life and get on with it. Stop leeching and make your own way in the world.

You are not married so you’re not entitled to any support from him. Any support he is giving you, is out of goodwill. Once the lease is up, he should no longer financially support you and you should both part ways.

Or rekindle your relationship and get married.

Are you advocating that she marries a man who has been cheating on her, has at least one child with another woman and pretty much lives away from her for significant amounts of time... just so she can continue to sponge off him? That's some pretty low standards.

Although what he did was horrendous, he’s supported you for years- although the timelines aren’t clear. That’s definitely more than enough time to get on your feet - he could’ve broke financial ties straight away.

Is the real answer that for whatever reason, you don’t actually want to move out and want to maintain the status quo? I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself.

Not marrying him was a choice you both made. Following him around the world like a lost puppy, was your choice. It's 2026.this happened years ago. You are milking him for his money because he met someone else and had a child. You are entitled to NOTHING whether you had 15 or 55 years, but unmarried with no children. How long do you expect him to financial support you? Hopefully he gets some legal advice! You won't because you are guilt tripping him. He's had a child with someone else. It's time for you to bow out and try to find some dignity. You can't penalise him for the rest of his life, THAT is what's not cool.

You weren't married so it makes no odds what would happen if you were.

For what it's worth with no kids he wouldn't be obliged to pay for your housing years after you split. Even if you were. Just move out and forget about him.

It's academic, you weren't married. What you did with your lives is besides the point. His responsibility to you begins and ends with the lease.

You really need to start planning how you're going to live as a single person.

She seems desperate.

And you know what they say ‘desperate times calls for desperate measures’.

I was just stating an option. Definitely not a recommendation of mine though.

With kindness you are not helping yourself
he owes you nothing

hie long is the lease and is it in joint names

I’m sorry for what has happened to you, however you need to stand on your own 2 feet. He owes you nothing and YABU to expect that. Have some self respect