What people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after a long relationship?

[MoodyAndNaive]

I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity.

Me (45) and my ex-boyfriend (45) were together for 15 years. He travelled a lot for work, and by then things were already not great between us. (no kids)

During Covid he went to Spain and kept saying he couldn’t come back yet, but was “coming next week.” He did visit a few times.
At one point I had to move flats. He said he was happy to help and, again, was “coming next week.” I even suggested maybe I should look for a flatshare or studio instead, because I wasn’t sure I could afford our place alone.
After the move, 8 months after we signed the new lease, he finally arrived. As a joke, I asked:
“Did you get married?”
“No.”
“Do you have a child?”
“Yes.”

The child was already two years old, meaning he had hidden the pregnancy and birth from me for around three years. He had visited me several times during that period, even shortly before the baby was born, and never said anything.
Hence I dont feel guilty for taking any money.
He claimed he wasn’t really in a relationship, and ask if maybe I could eventually move to Spain.

Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first. My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far.

Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)? AIBNU

Or We not longer live in the '50s? AIBU

If we were married would that affect judgment on this?

Sorry but you have very strange expectations.

Yes, you could have not sacrificed your salary for him. But you did.

It's ok to regret that, but it doesn't mean that he owes you something.

Or, you could have said no, he could have gone anyway. More fool you for slowing your career down for a man who you weren't married to. It also makes no sense that the pair of you continued renting when he had that kind of salary. It sounds as if he has been carrying you for years and you didn't want to see it.

Have you never seen the posts on here where people are advised not to give up their careers without marriage? That is because there is no legal right to anything other than child support if they split
up.

Marriage is only better if there are assets so the partner whose career took a hit may get a greater share of a property or any investments. This doesn’t apply if you’re not married and don’t have joint investments. You can’t force him to continue to fund you so you will need to fund yourself.

But you don’t have kids? So why all the comparisons to marriage with kids

@MoodyAndNaive is your Ex actually cutting you off? As you’ve only mentioned discussing with friends a reasonable timeframe for his support.

What do you think is a reasonable timeframe?

In your situation, support is not appropriate. You were not married and you didn't have children. Therefore, you can have no reasonable expectation of any kind of financial support after breaking up. You didn't enter into a legal union (marriage) or create dependents who need to be housed and provided for, therefore you have no reason to be supported. You were naive and have made bad choices and you have no recourse, despite your opinion that you do and that you're sticking to, despite three pages of posters telling that you don't.

@MoodyAndNaive you are conflating 2 things, married and not married.

In the UK, you have no legal financial rights because you are not married to him.

Financial rights of unmarried couples
Unmarried couples have no legal financial responsibility towards each other if they separate. Unlike divorce, there is no entitlement to spousal support.

Morally, slightly different imo.

You would hope that after 20 years together your relationship would count for more than (financially) the position you currently find yourself in.

Sadly, for you, the law is not on your side @MoodyAndNaive.

You can only expect from him that which he chooses to give, nothing more, nothing less.

You have no claim on this man’s money and I have absolutely no idea why you think you do.

Turn it around OP - you had years with a higher standard of living than you could afford. You have been a kept woman for years now , and he has been doing a slow fade.

Just move on - he owes you nothing I’m afraid. .

Yes, absolutely because you weren't married. That's how it works! You were in a relationship and split up. He certainly doesnt owe you ongoing support. If you wanted half his money you should have got married.

But OP - this is why lots of us who planned dcs got married. Because without marriage we’d only be entitled to what we brought into the relationship plus child support.

You neither got married nor had dcs, you also didn’t buy property together or use his high income subsidising your lifestyle to save yourself.

I can’t work out why you were prepared to sacrifice your career for his travelling for his opportunities and not being up marriage, but you did and that’s done now.

he didn’t have to sign the rental contract, you are right about that. But he’s honoured that for a year. I presume the contract was for a year and now is rolling? He has given you a year to sort yourself out.

Separate the two things in your mind. Was he an awful, shitty person? Yes.

Does he owe you money for being an awful, shitty person? No. Other than paying his share of the lease until you move.

I've been in your position. Married. Followed ex around the world for his work. Had a child. My career was disadvantaged. Still didn't expect his financial support. I'm an adult and fully capable person.

You aren’t married.
You don’t have kids.
You’ve spent 15 years fannying around, living off your rich, unfaithful boyfriend.
You made BAD choices. Now you have to grow the fuck up and deal with the consequences. Get a job, rent a room in a flat share and get on with your life. He owes you absolutely nothing.

On a positive you are only 45. Over 20 years to work and pay in a pension. Young enough to retrain or go for promotions.

In general the two situations where people are help to have responsibility to their partners are:

first where there are kids (marriage impacts this but even a one night stand with no relationship will generate obligations to the child(ren) that are discharged through giving money to the parent who looks after them)

secondly where there is some kind of legal contract to say so (eg marriage, joint ownership of a house/business etc)

in other circumstances there may be (felt to be) a moral responsibility but not a legal one.

so for example many people feel a moral responsibility towards their family (children, parents, siblings etc) but many people don’t and there isn’t generally a legal responsibility between adults in these situations because the law recognises that feelings vary.

in your case although it’s been a long relationship neither of you have taken any steps to take on a legal responsibility towards each other except for the joint lease. Therefore that’s what remains.

I may be being far too blunt, but you never had a relationship. He was using you.

"I’ve been discussing with friends what people think is a reasonable timeframe for support from a former partner after such a long relationship, especially when the breakup involved so much dishonesty and ambiguity."

Zero timeframe for support. There was no marriage, no children (his behaviour, while terrible, is irrelevant to your financial situation).

"Meanwhile, we continued financially as if we were still a couple. He earned more than five times my salary and paid his share of the rent, plus a little extra at first."

Struggling to see why you did this, especially after discovering he had lied to you for years? His salary is completely irrelevant. Also why did you neglect your own career to suit his, especially when you were not married and you had no children together?

"My salary alone would barely cover the rent, let alone the bills. I’ve tried to find better-paid work, unsuccessfully so far."

This is not his problem. He's not responsible for your terrible decisions. And again, you had no children to pause a career for.

"Should I ask for more time, some sort of support (I suggested reduction, I am not a leach)"

No, you should end the lease as soon as you possibly can and stand on your own two feet financially and emotionally, as an adult woman with no joint dependents with your ex.

He behaved dreadfully, but there is no reason why he should be giving you any money, That would still be true if you were married. You didn't give up work longterm in order to support him and his career.

OP, you need to move on.
Unfair as the break up may seem to you, there are no children involved and you weren't married.
it's been well over a year now, your ex is still paying half your rent and you want him to continue to do so???
If you can't afford the rent on your own you need to move out into a more affordable home.
Of course he shouldn't be supporting you moving forward!

You keep saying “but if married” but you weren’t married, and chose not to. If you wanted the protections of marriage you should have done that

Your wanting all the protections of marriage but you where never married he doesn’t need to support you in any way he has zero responsibility for you only you do.

Absolutely nuts thread, this, in all respects! 😂

He is your ex boyfriend that you were in an on/off relationship over 15 years. I don't think you can really expect to still get financial help from him. But he has behaved absolutely horribly in other respects.

Yes the fact that over a year later, OP is still expecting some form of renumeration, makes me wonder if she has serious mental health issues… it is completely irrational. Sorry OP .