To ask how to cope with a kid who is just so irritating?

[roamfarandwide]

I feel horrible saying this but I am on my last nerve with my five year old. I find him so irritating and I’m sure he must sense it and it must impact his self esteem.

Constant talking. A lot of it makes virtually no sense - I’m sure it does to him but it’s this stream of consciousness that is hard to decipher … he was wittering about these ‘three tigers and if they said no then they’d be there but if they didn’t then they would wouldn’t they mummy …’ and it’s almost always when I’m trying to get everybody ready or dealing with something else and I just don’t have the time to stand there and ask leading questions to work out what he’s on about. I was trying to leave for work the other day and he was just stood there wittering about something … horrible I know.

The noise, my god. So loud. Yes of course I’ve asked him nicely to make less noise. Sometimes he does for seconds later it to start again. He was playing some game this morning involving throwing a large monster truck around in the room with wooden floors and all I can hear is crash bang crash … just so wearing.

Stupid behaviour … nearly had to take him home from a party last week for throwing ketchup around.

Winding sibling up and making her scream. Messy and leaving things lying around.

I do work on it. I really try hard to address the behaviours. But the problem is I’m constantly on at him, I mean all the time. (and doing the ‘tell him what he should be doing’ doesn’t work - he often needs telling really firmly and sharply to knock it off.)

I feel horrible.

My son who is 7 has autism, and he talk constantly. He actually forgets he’s talking and his words blend into one. Like he stops making an effort for his sentence to make sense? He narrates everything he does. Eating, playing, getting his clothes on, watching tv. I feel awful because it’s exhausting and it is CONSTANT. However the occupational therapist noticed it at his latest appointment and she said it’s his way of self regulating

Sounds just like my eldest. The only way I survived was getting a rescue dog - and the dog took the bulk of her attention (happily, I'd add). It also meant we did 2 long walks every day come rain or shine and that took some of the edge off her energy. She needed to be active or it was lookout, constant winding up of her siblings and noise noise noise. She was later diagnosed with ADHD, but it was never an issue at primary school - only secondary. I'd also add that it's very normal to love your child but not always like their behaviour.

He’s sounds like my 5 year old! In the 20 minute car journey to his football match yesterday I reckon he said mummy guess what and then chatted absolute garbage about 100 times!!

he’s also loud and boisterous!! We have to remind him indoor voice and not everyone wants to hear him bouncing on his trampoline at 9.30am on a Sunday morning.

As well as playing a football match yesterday, he then come home and done 45 minutes of MMA practise on his bag/pads. were he shouts like a boxer 🙄🙄

he got all the lego out!! However at 5.30pm we then sat and watched 2 movies back to back. It’s about balance.

I agree. He sounds like a slightly more extreme version of my 6 year old. Depressing that adhd and medication is such an immediate go to.

There’s nothing wrong with quietly finding your kid’s behaviour annoying. But if you are at your wit’s end and end up belittling them or behaving in a way which doesn’t match up to your parenting standards, that’s the time for action.

Let’s take the two examples you’ve given - epic chatter while you’re trying to leave the house for work, and yelling repeatedly while waiting for him to have his bottom wiped.

Last one first. A 5 year old should be able to wait a few minutes in the toilet for you. Are you making it clear you have heard him and are on your way? Are you ascertaining he’s heard that you are? Or is he unclear he’s been heard (and therefore continuing to shout) or you are saying “coming” but he can’t hear you (maybe because he’s shouting) so keeps shouting?

Also - is it possible you are keeping him waiting longer than you should he because you are fed up with him?

For this, there need to be clear expectations. He shouts, then waits for your reply. He needs to count to ten before shouting again to give you time to reply. Once you’ve made it clear you’re on your way, he should not shout again. While waiting, he should have a first go at wiping. You will not be finishing it off until he’s tried for himself.

For the work thing - it’s a tale as old as time that kids want to start chatting to stop you leaving the room. You need to be firm - “sounds great / interesting - tell me tonight. Tell grandma. I can’t stay longer or I’ll be late. Bye bye bye love you bye!” And out of the door. Firm but cheerful. A boundary - and like all boundaries it will take some setting but you’ll get there.

It’s possible it’s ADHD (I’m an SEN parent) but it’s equally possible he’s stuck in a loop where he feels your irritation and wants reassurance, but is demanding that reassurance in a very irritating way…

What would be gained is that you (and as he gets older, he) would have insight into why he is so annoying. You would understand that he is not trying to be difficult, but that he needs different strategies. Of course he may not get a diagnosis. This does not mean that he would not respond to you getting advice from any of the professionals that support neurodiverse children.

The waitlist for ADHD diagnosis is many years. Neurodivergent people KNOW they’re (we’re!) different and it really affects self esteem in a way that can last a lifetime. A diagnosis helps to understand how their brain works rather than them thinking they’re lazy/annoying/stupid etc . Definitely something to explore.

Isn’t this normal behaviour for a 5 year old? My DGS, 7 is always wittering on. Making up words, telling long tales about what his dad did, said, can do, doesn’t do. Asking me “Grandma, can you walk like this?” Jumping up and down, rolling round and round. Chasing the poor dog, who chases him back. OMG, I am exhausted just writing this post. But he is adorable.

And then, I take him into the garden and I get him to run and run, for my entertainment, because he “is the fastest runner in the who school”.

A normal little boy. And I am not dismissing SEN children.

Hi OP, you are not alone. Parent energy and child energy clash all the time, and it can be really hard to deal with this little bundle of illogical, unordered energy.

I also think this is normal 5 year old behaviour. Imagine 100 years ago, he'd be outside most of the day spinning and swinging from trees. We put a lot of grown up expectation on kids they can't achieve.

From a managing your response side, I'd recommend the book 'calm parents happy kids' which is all about managing your frustration. It really helped me.

Go talk to your gp
Get something to help both of you.
Before I went on hrt I was snappy intolerant I hated being like that.

Good that he knows how to sit and be quiet at times and good that he does a bit better at school. It maybe that making the effort to keep himself within bounds at school is spilling over into how he behaves at home - how is he during school holidays?

it does sound like your irritation is communicating itself to him and is driving him to respond more frantically winding you up further. As pp have said - practice responding calmly and kindly - at least some of the time sounding calmer will make you actually feel calmer. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage it but don’t justify it to yourself either. You are the adult in the situation.

Try to engage more fully at times and then disengage more at other times.

Give instructions and keep it short and factual and stick to your chosen words. Don’t say “why do you keep on going on and on when we have to get ready you are making us late and driving me crazy why do you have to do this all the time” say “don’t talk now, we need to get ready.” Repeat. This probably way out of date now but we used star charts a lot as it takes the stress out of the communication and reduces the need for talking to explain what you are looking for.

Make time to spend with him one on one and find the things you can genuinely enjoy with him. It’s good to ask yourself whether you are going about things in the right way. You already know the answer - you need to find a way that works for you both.

Does he do any physical hobbies OP? Eg karate, football, swimming etc.

It might be worth upping his physical activity levels and seeing what happens. Could you or your husband take him on a long hike this weekend and see what happens?

Some kids yes they have ADHD, but I think others just aren’t cut out to be penned in a desk all week and need more physical outside / activity time.

I could have written your post. So I'm going to suggest something based on my experience.
Do you think you might be autistic? And that's why the demands wear you out?
Is your DD more like you in character? He could be ADHD and it's always worth getting things tested but equally could be a normal rumbunctious (sp?) boy. Have you done any of the autistic tests.
Because if you are, sometimes knowing the why helps - but also realising you need time away from it to recharge is also important, without feeling guilty or like you are a bad evil mum. Look at him, look at you (but without blame for either of you)
Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree though.

What do you mean you’re ‘not sure there’s anything to be gained from it at this stage’ when you’ve just described how irritating you find him and how your responses to him are such they could be affecting his self-esteem?

For heavens sake, get him checked out for his sake…please.

He was playing some game this morning involving throwing a large monster truck around in the room with wooden floors and all I can hear is crash bang crash … just so wearing.

Consequences. Just take the truck away and tell him trucks aren't for throwing.

Stupid behaviour … nearly had to take him home from a party last week for throwing ketchup around.

Is this throwing the little packets about? Normal 5 yo annoying. Tell him to pick them all up and put them back where he got them.

If it's squirting ketchup about, crouch down next to him and tell him quietly that it is completely unacceptable and he has to stop now, take the ketchup from him, make him apologise to the host, make him clean it up, then go back to the host and say 'thankyou for inviting him, sorry about his behaviour, I'm going to take him him home now'. Then ignore the tantrum, carry him out and go home and tell him to go to his room until he calms down. Don't shout, don't engage.

Winding sibling up and making her scream.

Normal sibling behaviour. Separate them and tell them they can't be in the same room till they both calm down.

Messy and leaving things lying around.

Normal 5yo behaviour. Get him to help you put things away.

Agree its absolutely wild. Hes a 5y old boy, nothing hes doing sounds odd, hes just wanting more attention

This resonates so much with me.
Now is it possible that the reason your child’s potentially ND behaviour style overwhelms/triggers you so much is because you yourself are possibly ND…?

Just floating this because it was an absolute lightbulb moment for me. I realised the reason I was struggling so much with my child’s behaviour is because I had my own extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms (which urgently needed scrutinised and unpacked) from undiagnosed AuDHD. The emotional and sensory overwhelm from being the parent of a small child, regardless of their brain type, is extreme!

Good luck!

Have you had a chance to speak to his teacher OP? If he/she is an experienced teacher they may be able to tell you if he is behaving typically for a boy of his age. I’d start by having a conversation with them.
(Caveat — if they’re a young or inexperienced teacher they may not know.)

My neice is clearly ADHD although the school are dragging their heels about it. I love her to bits but my god she irritates me sometimes. She gets right in your face and screams “hello auntie” so close I can smell her breathe, and when you ask her to stop she just does it more, and I get up to walk away and she follows me dragging at my arms. she asks to come to my house almost everyday and when I say no because I’m working, or I just haven’t got it in me that day she’ll cry and ask again about 50 times and I end up getting a bit stern with her. The issue I have is the behaviour rubs off on my 3 year old daughter and I don’t think I’d mentally cope with my own version 😂

I agree with this - my 10 year old DS was exactly the same at 5. I am very good at switching off so it becomes background noise so it never bothered me.

I don't do children before the age of 7. Can't stand their endless demands. I had 3 but also a very hands on husband.

After the age of 7, I'm ok. Once they're in secondary (I'm a teacher), they're the best part of the human race.

I think people just have different tendencies and skillsets. The idea of 'mother' really isn't adequate to show how women shine during different phases of a child's life.

I coped by using timers, i.e. actual timers everyone could see (free play for 30 minutes and then something else), exercising them like dogs (think labradors), few toys so they weren't task switching constantly, 'quiet time' (again with the timer) followed by a behaviourist reward system.

I think a lot of my struggles with noisy, semi continent, semi sentient children stem from me being autistic. I don't deal well with yapping dogs either. Luckily, kids grow up real quick. But there's a reason valium used to be called 'mother's little helper' - I'm not suggesting that btw

Its a classic presentation of ADHD - my son has it. They will start to notice the attention span thing at school, and if they don’t go at getting a referral from all angles (contact your GP). It took years for my son to be diagnosed and ages 5-10 were fucking exhausting. He’s 13 now and just an absolute dream and my best little pal but I feel for you OP. I was exhausted and over stimulated by him for a long time (I’m autistic) and did my best to hold it in, which really affected my mental health.

I think you need to give him some things he can do. With things like the truck, throwing it to make a crash is not ok, so you could say, ‘to play with the truck, the wheels need to stay on the floor’ and if he carries on throwing, the consequence should be to take it away. Then say to him, if you want to throw, what can you throw? A ball of paper, a ball in the garden, or does he want to make a loud noise? Can you give him a way of doing this, drum kit or tambourine? (I wouldn’t want this sort of noise but it’s a way round it.)

when he is wittering on, can you give him some ideas of things to say, for example when you are leaving, ‘it’s time for mummy to go, shall we say, goodbye DS have a nice day at school, I can’t wait to hear about PE, and you say goodbye mummy, have a nice day at work’ and tell him how to say things to make a connection and eye contact and a hug and a nice goodbye.
with the ketchup thing or at soft play, you take him somewhere quiet, get down on his level and say ‘you must not throw food around, when you go in you need to sit nicely and eat the food, if you don’t then I will take you out/ home’, then follow through with it. I do think that boys in particular bounce off each other and make each other laugh with more and more stupid things, but you have to teach him the social skills to know when to stop.
he actually sounds great and with loads of imagination and creativity, it might need harnessing into something though, art, music etc.

I agree with others, sounds like ND. Is he looping, and repeating constantly? Does he listen to you, if you give him an instruction?

My 7 year old autistic son possibly ADHD talks at me and I often zone out. You're not alonr