To ask how to cope with a kid who is just so irritating?

[roamfarandwide]

I feel horrible saying this but I am on my last nerve with my five year old. I find him so irritating and I’m sure he must sense it and it must impact his self esteem.

Constant talking. A lot of it makes virtually no sense - I’m sure it does to him but it’s this stream of consciousness that is hard to decipher … he was wittering about these ‘three tigers and if they said no then they’d be there but if they didn’t then they would wouldn’t they mummy …’ and it’s almost always when I’m trying to get everybody ready or dealing with something else and I just don’t have the time to stand there and ask leading questions to work out what he’s on about. I was trying to leave for work the other day and he was just stood there wittering about something … horrible I know.

The noise, my god. So loud. Yes of course I’ve asked him nicely to make less noise. Sometimes he does for seconds later it to start again. He was playing some game this morning involving throwing a large monster truck around in the room with wooden floors and all I can hear is crash bang crash … just so wearing.

Stupid behaviour … nearly had to take him home from a party last week for throwing ketchup around.

Winding sibling up and making her scream. Messy and leaving things lying around.

I do work on it. I really try hard to address the behaviours. But the problem is I’m constantly on at him, I mean all the time. (and doing the ‘tell him what he should be doing’ doesn’t work - he often needs telling really firmly and sharply to knock it off.)

I feel horrible.

Wittering - ignore. Completely.

noise - it’s not winter anymore get him outside as much as possible. Park, garden, wherever. Sounds are a lot more annoying inside.

roamfarandwide

I don’t mean to quit work just putting it out there that he’s trying to get your attention

But that's very normal, just sing out yes darling, I'm coming.

And this thread is a stellar example of why we have an epidemic of over diagnosis of adhd & autism.
1st response - you sure he doesn’t have adhd?

@roamfarandwide Be kind to yourself, it sounds like he’s a lot to cope with, diagnosis or not. Do you get enough time to yourself without him to recharge? This really is important. Who can you ask for help from?

Sounds like my youngest - recently diagnosed with ADHD.
side thought, hearing test?

Yes I do. He is 5. Children do talk and witter on about whatever is on their highly imaginative minds. They are immature, totally normal. Boys have raced and re-enacted noisy car crashes banging about since day dot. Children get hyper and silly at birthday parties because they are very excited to see their friends out of school, it’s not a normal day. Obviously excited!

I think in the past parents kept behaviour in perspective more and/or disciplined more strictly because it got on their nerves, but they at least got that it was normal and weren’t running round trying to diagnose and medicate them. That needs calling out and stopping.

This. It is utterly bizarre. Poor kids!

What OP is describing (and she also said they have siblings so you can compare kids) does not sound normal?
edited: unless she posted back about her other kids.. I’ll eat my words

Patience mostly. They change quickly, you won't notice it at the time until you look back and realise how much is different

Try " take your truck upstairs " by saying can you you're giving him an option . If he continues take the offending toy away . I get it that 5 year olds can be full on but if you're moaning all day long it will mean nothing when you do mean it . I think you have to be v cLear (and loving) in your reaction to him when he's driving you potty ! He will grow out of it , it's fairly normal behaviour at this age so don't assume there's something wrong with him. . (Mum of 4 here ) all the best !

So @Figcherry he does sit and play but it does often involve a huge mess. I am actually fairly OK with that but I do try to ask him to contain it as much as possible, ie keep it in one room, otherwise it is strewn all over the house and harder to manage.

I do know I am tired and grouchy at the moment and I feel myself getting irritated more easily than perhaps normal. Please note (and this is a general point not aiming at anyone in particular) I do need to know how to manage this, equally sometimes I can’t just ignore ds. I can’t ignore the ketchup thing or winding sibling up or when he’s being possessive and mulish at soft play or something! So difficult.

I’d say very firm boundaries and immediate consequences paired with lots of praise and rewards for adjusting his behaviour.

Throwing monster truck around? Ask him not to do that, does it again warning then taken.

Have a rule that when we are getting ready to leave the house we need some quiet time, remind him of this, don’t engage, remind him again, stop what you’re doing so he won’t get to go to the park or wherever (better to try it when leaving the house to do what he wants). If he does listen and comply then lots of praise and reward e.g. you listened so well that you can have ten more minutes at the park.

Throwing ketchup at a party - warning then immediate removal if does it again but same with this behaviour at home.

The fact you are aware of it and fretting about means you are a good mum imo.

Can’t believe the immediate leap to a diagnosis 🙄. Some kids are just bloody annoying. My friends dd was like this. The friend had the patience of a saint. Her dd was so whiney clingy and interrupted the whole time. She’s a perfectly normal young adult now it was just a stage.

I have 3 dc. They were all very different and needed parenting differently.
But at 5yo they could witter on nothing endlessly. We called it the " wet- weather Wimbledon" stage. Ie how commentators talk on nothing during wet weather for sometimes days.
One of them was rarely loud, the other two often loud. Only one was inclined for silly behaviour etc.

If I'd had three dc like one if them, I'd have been much smugger about my parenting as they were generally very easy to parent.

Oh OP you’ve brought back memories for me! My DS could witter and ask obscure unanswerable question non-stop from dawn to dusk at that age. He doesn’t have ADHD or ASD diagnoses but I would say he has some traits. He’s at uni now, and still likes a witter.

To an extent it’s normal for 5yos to drive you up the wall and I think most parents have had that thing where they feel like they’re just being negative and telling off all the time because their child is constantly pushing boundaries or causing problems like noise and mess. But I also think some - often intelligent boys with a lot of energy, sometimes possibly ND - can take this constant full-on-ness to an extreme and it is really hard.

Here are some things that helped my DS:

Trampoline if at all possible, if you have the space and can afford it. He would witter to himself while bouncing and use up lots of energy, it helped his sleep too.

Interesting documentaries about obscure animals, space, mysteries of the universe etc. he absolutely loved them and while it fuelled more wittering, he was getting enjoyment (and education!) from them and it would keep him busy for a bit

construction toys of any kind would absorb him.

Challenges like “can you draw a picture of what you’re talking about for me”” or “can you tell me 10 things beginning with T” “can you guess my favourite animal” make a game out of it and find ways to engage with it, this makes it more fun for you and he feels listened to.

Plus more general challenges like say you need some help and you bet he could get everything back into the toy basket in under one minute on a timer, or can he make his sister laugh bet he can’t. Let him help with real jobs like washing veg or watering the garden. It won’t always work and don’t say he has to, but when he does do something you can be full of praise and admiration reducing the “endlessly negative” thing.

But he likely does.

We don’t have ‘an epidemic of over diagnosis’. We have more recognition, whereas in the past children were dismissed as ‘annoying’, ‘not listening’, ‘naughty’, ‘defiant’, ‘lazy’. With devastating impact on their self esteem and mental health.

OP, you probably need to find out more about ADHD and research it, and look into ways to support your son. None of these things will do any harm if he isn’t ADHD. Increasing your understanding of his hyperactivity and impulsivity can only help both of you.

Another thing to consider is that where there are neurodivergent children, there are usually neurodivergent parents. This may not be the case, but I wonder whether you are experiencing sensory overload yourself? I have this issue with my most hyperactive, chatterbox child. We are both diagnosed, I am very noise sensitive and get tipped into overload very easily by her chatter and bounce was. Which makes me irritable. And then I feel guilty.

Don’t worry too much if the gentle redirection doesn’t work and he needs a firm ‘no, enough’. Some children do. Others would be crushed by it. I have dc who are all ND but very different from one another. One needs very low demand, gentle handling and is demand avoidant. Another needs consistent, clear, kind but firm boundaries and for me to take control and prevent it going too far. She can’t control herself otherwise and it’s not fun for her either.

Be kind to yourself. It can be a bit exhausting. But don’t dismiss ADHD. You say he wouldn’t be diagnosed based on current presentation - I’m not so sure.

As numerous people have responded -
it is indeed normal. It might not be desirable, and it might not be the same as your kid, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong.

OP, why don’t you try assuming he has ADHD and read about parenting ADHD kids? That’s what we did before our child got the assessment and diagnosis, and it helped enormously. Finally understanding how their brain worked and what they struggled with meant I could change my expectations, and frame things in advance in my own mind so I wasn’t overwhelmed and frustrated, fighting battles I just didn’t need to. Plus it meant I could start structuring our day so I could give lots of praise (rather than spending all of my time telling-off, as you are experiencing), which in turn meant the child started behaving much better because they weren’t anticipating “getting it wrong” all the time.

On top of that, ADHD children will often have an ADHD parent, and recognising my own struggles with it really helped me parent more calmly once I’d reframed expectations for myself, plus being able to give myself the same tools I’d given my child (being able to take a moment for downtime, key words when we needed time/space/no eye-contact). Good luck, OP x

Well that's not very helpful is it. And not correct either, an intelligent creative energetic child like it sounds the OP has is hard work when young but as they get older the intelligence, creativity and energy gets directed into their school work they get much easier. My eldest was full of energy, would constantly be chattering away at that age and now is an excellent student at college and has a medicine offer for September. But she still is very sporty and talks a lot!

Hold in there @roamfarandwide , chatty energetic children are tiring at that age but make life easier for yourself and don't feel the need to ask leading questions, just make listening noises while he chatters on and he'll be quite happy (for a few more years until he realises what you're doing ).

ADHD?!! 😭 🤯

How sounds like a totally normal little boy. Five your olds are marvellously imaginative, messy, loud and yes, annoying. That is normal!

He will grow out of it in time OP, just try to be patient.
A year from now I can’t promise you won’t still be irritated, but you will be irritated by different things!

It just doesn’t work @Contrarymary30 - he often only responds when you’re visibly annoyed or upset.

@Figcherry i do but it’s the kind of wearing effect it can have on you all day every day. Combined with stop climbing on the windowsill, get off the table, I said get OFF the table …

Just catching up now. Thanks; I really do appreciate the responses!