My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

Ahahahhahahah

Over 200 replies already but I'll add my two cents. No, you're not being unreasonable at all. Please disregard anyone who isn't considering nuance here. I don't think he should have to keep everything a secret, but it sounds like you already adjusted for that after reflecting on your childhood experiences. But he can get general advice from his parents without giving specifics. Once you build your own family, it's fine to ask for a certain level of privacy. But where you draw that line requires input from both of you.
He could have shared that 'something' happened at school without going into detail. Did you explicitly agree together what detail you'd provide?

I wouldn't live with someone who couldn't respect my privacy. I've experienced that before and I ended it. Have you tried sharing with your in-laws that you prefer to leave the room when they talk about people's private lives? Have you explained you prefer other topics of conversation? It's not polite to gossip about people and it indicates a lack of knowledge or awareness in other areas of conversation. Or you could avoid the awkward direct convo by buying them a book next birthday/Christmas "the art of making conversation".

I would really suggest going back to individual therapy and even a few sessions of couple counselling.

I tell my mum everything. But, if there was something my husband really didn’t want anyone else to know, I would not tell her.

You do need to be able to keep some of your personal life private within your marriage. And you should be able to discuss this with your husband. Have you ever had that conversation? Does he know that somethings are just for his ears?

This is tricky and not sure if it's black and white, but I think the point you are making is that your MIL is an oversharer and indiscreet with maybe her own and other people's info. It's not really fair on your child to be punished at school and maybe had consequences at home for bad behaviour for it then to be discussed further or used for gossip by relatives concerned or not. Would your child worry if aunts, uncles and cousins new etc? If it's been dealt with then the chapters closed. I can also appreciate and am guilty myself of consulting my parents on things relating to my DC. so i can see both sides.

There is no need for your husband to tell his parents everything. Some things are private and absolutely none of their business and should be kept between husband and wife. I think you need to sit down and find where the line should be drawn.

She's either been slagging off "her daughter" to the hairdresser or telling porkies pies about you. She was obviously worried the hairdresser would say "oh you're Marian's daughter with the genital warts!".

Set yourself free by allowing yourself to be vulnerable to people. I don’t give a shit who knows what about me. I want a wide range of people I can confide in and lean on, and talk to. When you internalise everything you are keeping your world and your support options small.

When you are open with people they will be open with you - it builds relationships and trust.

You have been brought up to believe everyone is talking about you and your business. It’s not the case. Sharing family news with your mum is completely natural.

Why do you continue to obey your mum?

Obviously if she tells you something private like a medical diagnosis, don't tell other people without her permission

But, when it's nonsense like her hairdresser, why do you continue to obey her like a small child? When your mum expresses her preferences on the secrecy of a mundane factoid to you now, it doesn't make it a life and death order that must be obeyed. It might do you some good to use your own judgement, to find out what you think is normal and to put that into practice. Then you might feel better able to find your way forward with your DH and together decide what is the right amount of information to share with family.

Also just because you share fact x with MIL, doesn't mean you need to share it with your mum. Neither do you need to apologise for not sharing it if MIL tells your mum. You're not responsible for other people talking about you.

This is so weird, OP. Reading all your posts then I'll be back.

The hairdresser thing makes me think she’s been gossiping about you to her hairdresser and wouldn’t want you to find out or something. Or the hairdresser knows something about her you don’t

This is very very sad to read. You should absolutely feel able to bare your sole, your pain and your history to your DH and expect loyalty from him not to discuss any of that with anyone without your permission outside of your marriage. That's the truest form of intimacy that exists and you don't feel able to access it.

You both seem confused about acceptable limits of information sharing within families. It doesn't matter what strangers on the internets personal limits are, or what we think is normal. You're both at opposite ends of the spectrum and need to agree on limits for you as a couple and feel that your agreement will be honoured to that you can trust him.

Hi OP. I'm really sad to read all this. It's a hard context for it to come to a head as well, as I do think that it was completely reasonable for whatever happened with your son at school to remain private.

However, it sounds like your family of origin was really dysfunctional - going way beyond a predisposition to paranoia - and maybe you are starting to come out of the fog, so to speak?

I am curious as to what prompted the visits to the therapist and if you have ever discussed this all with them?

I do think there is something hiding in plain sight, so to speak. Could be anything but I agree completely with a previous poster - I'd be so happy for you if you could free yourself from this, even if it means finding out things that might be unpleasant or unexpected. It sounds mentally and emotionally exhausting and well beyond normal boundaries people set for themselves. Everyone has different boundaries, but you have been asked to keep secrets, your mother (and maybe others) imposed something from their lives onto you.

Hugs to you.

There definitely is a middle ground. You say you don’t feel your MIL takes things out of the family, that’s good. She’s caring and supportive too. I feel you and your husband maybe need a discussion about your child’s right to privacy as they mature, and what that means to you both, but otherwise I think your reaction is due to your past experiences with your Mum.

I don’t think your current way of imploding every couple of years is particularly healthy for you or your relationship, maybe slowly trust your DH with a little more of your core - it will feel scary but if he’s your best friend he would want to be there to help you carry your baggage and maybe put some of it down finally.

Yanbu. Your husband doesn't have to tell his mum everything. I get your frustration because my husband is the same, it pisses me right off. He has in the past...
Told his mum in graphic detail about a horrible infection I got in my vagina when we first met

Gone crying yo his mum about every row we ever had

Told his dad warped versions of me getting into debt (i ran up a few catalogues, he made it sound like I'd gone on a 5k bender in one hit)

Gone on the family group chat and told the whole family in microscopic detail about the IVA he had taken out a few years ago and how he was worried he would have his car taken off him as he had to do a final optional payment at the end of the loan or give it back. He cc'd his uncle and uncles wife in America just to make sure all our private personal lives were shared as widely as possible.

We're going through hell with our 2 autistic kids regarding school. Every time something happens he tells me to WhatsApp his mum to "keep her in the loop" I don't.

Screenshot my response to a bad argument we had the previous day about his grown up son in which I had said a few home truths about him, then he sent the screenshot to his other grown up son

I recently shared our daughters autism assessment report with him via screenshot on WhatsApp. I had to remind him not to share it with everyone in the family especially his grown up sons otherwise I would divorce him.

He also finds it acceptable when out with people I don't know to video call me and get me to say hello to strangers (normally while I look like crap) so now if I get a WhatsApp video call when he's out I turn my camera off

It's not unreasonable to expect a bit of privacy

Your husband sounds unbearable. How/why on earth do you put up with it?

I understand OP. I’m secretive too.

My mum died when I was younger so I don’t have a close family relationship and once when I told my dad about a traumatic breakup, he told his entire family and the gossip went around the village and came back to me via a family friend!

A decade later, I was made redundant (company got sold) just after having DC1. I was really upset and called one of my best friends. She then told her husband who then told a mutual friend’s husband who then told his wife (a good friend but someone who generally overreacts and offers a load of unsolicited advice). That other friend then sent me a really strong commiserations voice note which is hated. I hate the idea of people gossiping about me 🤦🏼‍♀️😆 I nearly ended a decades old friendship over this! It’s fine now.

Both times I felt betrayed, even though neither person was being malicious.

So now I only reveal certain things like shopping, house decor or holidays. Anything about our DC, medical issues, finances, jobs, I keep secret. Thankfully DH isn’t a gossiper either.

If your MIL is indiscrete I totally understand why you want to protect your DS.

Totally agree with this. There’s nothing wrong with sharing those parts of our life to get support or just to have a listening ear but this mother in law is then discussing those things with others (if Op has heard all about the other parts of the family). This just sounds like tittle tattle and I would feel very uncomfortable with this. Just because OP’s own family dynamic was extreme with their secrecy doesn’t mean her mil isn’t going too far the other way and just enjoying gossip.

The OPs mother is off the scale secretive though - the story about the hairdresser and repeatedly asking her to tell lies is not the situation that the most recent posters are describing. Something is up here and it's had a negative impact on the OP.

Op your right and I learnt the hard way. A big fallout with my friend two years ago she threw private things back at me. When I told my colleague she said she tells little for this reason. With my mam now I keep info vague she not told too much about anything. Money and hols vague not sure about plans. Lol.

On balance I beleive your DH family is quite normal but your upbringing colours your view. From what you have said you MIL is not malicious but a little too gossip, which I completely understand. I think the real problem is your lack of trust in your husband. Exploding every couple of years is not the answer. If you are having counselling, could you arrange to have a facilitated session with your husband where you can define what information is and isn't to be made public to his family. He sounds quite chilled and probably doesn't fully grasp the anxiety it causes you.

Sorry but you are incredibly RUDE.

It should be possible to explain your own situation/perspective without judgement.

Although I think there is a balance to be struck, I'm with you on this one OP. My in laws are nice enough, but the way they tell us every detail of other relatives' lives (including their at times judgemental opinions on things that are none of their business) means I have no doubt they share full details of our lives with others in the same way. As a result we only share very surface things with them, nothing personal or serious in any way (eg medical issues, big decisions, anything negative etc).

OP the fact you recognise your own families behaviour isn’t normal and put you under a lot of pressure and created anxiety is great (recognition part that is). It’s also great you’re breaking that cycle with your own children.

However, whilst you recognise it, truly breaking the cycle will be really hard to do without help. You’re putting the same pressure your mum put on you, on yourself even in Adulthood. It’s worth going to speak to someone and talk through all your emotions to help you manage this now because it is clearly impacting you although you’re managing it as best you can.

I would not have any issues with my whole family knowing if my son did something really bad because…actions have consequences. Yes you have put rules in place, but sometimes seeing the reactions from others in itself is a way of learning. I always remember my mum said if I did anything bad she’d shop me to the police herself. I wouldn’t expect it to be blasted outside of the family, but it he’s got a large family then that’s fine. The reality is, people do gossip within families but even then cousins etc aren’t bothered and wouldnt go round chatting further because other families do the same and everyone is busy - and honestly, outside of the family people largely aren’t remotely interested because you won’t be of relevance to them in their own tiny worlds.

Im not sure how you can help yourself to maybe see the gossip as more insignificant in some way? Like - who cares if someone knows X. They will have forgotten it 10 minutes later type thing. I think it’s just people being interested.