My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

I am a private person, my DH will tell a stranger all of our business. To the point of even telling people how much money we have.

I am quite relaxed about it, he is not telling state
secrets and I understand he does it out of insecurity. I will have a conversation with him amd if I really don’t want him to say something I tell him. Sometimes to no avail.

I tell my DH everything, even though he has a big mouth. I have no secrets.

It’s a difficult one OP. You know your DH is not doing anything wrong. Your mother did the damage to you. I hear what you are saying about family gossip but is it really that bad, embarrassing or damaging to about your nieces and nephews.

It sounds like shame. Im sure you dont mean it to be but it is. Shame hiding as privacy. You are completely entitled to not share but within a family problems shared are lessened and secrets based on shame are not healthy. Why dont you ask your child how they feel.

I get it OP. I’m a private person so don’t mouth off about my family to others, I don’t often talk about my family with colleagues for example and I certainly don’t really contact my mother to tell her anything. If something happens, DH and I would sort it. My mum is like your MIL and tells anyone willing to listen. I prefer to keep my business to myself. Don’t know if this is such an issue, I just don’t care for gossip and don’t want to be the centre of it.

That's just weird. I wouldn't want my husband telling his parents very personal things, minor arguments etc, but day to day goings on would be fine.

Could I ask whether your parents are British?

My parents were very secretive whilst we were growing up and I discovered that it can be a cultural thing. In adulthood, I met people of the same origin who were similarly secretive and weary of the 'evil eye' etc

Could I ask whether your parents are British?

My parents were very secretive whilst we were growing up and I discovered that it can be a cultural thing. In adulthood, I met people of the same origin who were similarly secretive and weary of the 'evil eye' etc

YADNBU
Your DH sounds like a blubber mouth.
I wouldn’t like it either. Some things in life should remain private within families.
The incident at school was none of their business imo.

I was going to say are they under witness protection or something! I know they’re not, but what drives that extreme need for no one to knowing anything about anything. I mean surely they are just average people with average lives and average ‘secrets’.

Was your mum a spy, OP?

My mother can’t keep anything to herself so I don’t share anything personal with her. My mother in law would never break a confidence so I have no issues sharing something personal with her. I’m very private but I know my parents just can’t be trusted so they don’t get to know anything that I don’t want announced to their friends.

This is bizarre.

But you really do need help to make sure your children don't end up damaged as well.

But they’re not staying within the family, that’s the point. The OP has said that the MIL won’t keep the information within the family and will tell everyone and anyone.

That is very very strange behaviour….

I get it, a lot of people do lack sufficient boundaries and don't make decisions independently. Children shouldn't be humiliated by childhood errors being the subject of gossip amongst family or friends. I remember my mother telling family members with glee whatever stupid (childish, well duh) thing I had done. It resulted in a huge barrier between us because she was not trustworthy. I've always given only surface level information about my children to her. Only my closest, trustworthy confidants would I turn to for advice. I respect my kids to much to treat them as a source of anecdotes for others amusement or horror!

We had the same childhood. It’s exactly controlling the narrative. I also was given lies to repeat from a very young age.

In this instance, I think he was out of order sharing this news out of consideration for your child and their ongoing ability to move on from the incident. Sounds like you and the school dealt with it appropriately and it was not the subject for further discussion.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to guard your language around him and I think, given that you have framed it as trauma, (which it sounds as if you have a traumatic response to it), he should be more mindful of this.

I think it's fine to protect your children's privacy in the circumstances you describe. I also think it sounds like you know the difference between what is appropriate sharing (a hairdresser's name for eg! You recognise that is odd) and what you can be more circumspect about.

Perhaps you can be clearer with him: look can we agree, anything sensitive about the kids, let's keep it between us? How would you feel if you mucked up at work and I told my family? Would you mind?

Sorry - it's a tough one!

Some of the older generation are strange about 'bothering' others. Although I'm sure the hairdresser would have been glad of the business.

Gosh, it's getting more and more strange. Whatever would make her say that?

My DH had a habit of telling his mother everything too. She loved to be ‘in the know’ and would lord it over everyone how she knew everyone’s business. When we fell pregnant with DC2 due to contraception failing, he confided in her about how we were feeling etc. Several months later at a family gathering, she loudly said to me in front of everyone “I bet you’re glad you didn’t abort hi now aren’t you”

That amongst other things has now made him pull back from her and not share our personal lives with her.

Just because she’s your husbands mother, doesn’t mean she has automatic entitlement to know your business.

This is very strange !!!!
Is she a spy or something or maybe she have paranoid tendencies!

Ive taken everybody's views on board. I dont think im going to tackle it with Dh about this as I do feel like its a loaded topic as it is. While Dh was annoyed with DC about what happened, said all the right things and gave the appearance of supporting the school (out of respect to how seriously I was taking it), he does feel that it was blown out of proportion and I think his family would probably think so too. Maybe he needs a sounding board outside of me. I can be a bit uptight about rules and conduct etc.

Fwiw, I do love my MIL. She is lovely and while I never confide in her, she is a lovely person amd has been a great mum to my son and a loving grandmother to our kids. I want to respect that too. And I dont know if it was clear, I think she only talks within family but its a big family! And I get on fine with my in laws too. Maybe if the conversation came up naturally I would have been inclined to share and possibly I just wasn't ready to hear it being discussed outside our nuclear family (but might have done so myself). There are plenty of things that I dont feel comfortable saying about me but which I am happy to tell them myself. That probably sounds mad!

Thank you for all the advice everyone. I do feel like I am always trying to be the best mother I can be, the best wife I can be, the best daughter I can be, to the extent that I have no idea who I am outside of these contextual identities. Being a very deep thinker doesn't help!

I think you've been wired up from an early age to think any kind of disclosure, even trivial, = HIGH DANGER. This must be hard, but I hope you can relax a bit over time!

I come from a large family . I could tell my mother anything and l would be 100% sure she would not gossip about it to my siblings. I know that because she never told me stuff about them. I think it's dangerous if stuff gets passed around as there is too many people involved.
For example, as a teen my ds got into all sorts and l discussed it many times with her but l fully know it went no further and now he is a sensible adult and doesn't have opinions hanging over him from aunties etc. It means a lot.
Your family were extreme but your dh is too much the other way. What happened in school should be kept between yourselves. It would be fine to tell grandma if she is a wise soul who would give good advice but not pass it on. But she is not!
Its time to sit down and have a discussion about what is personal and what isn't. My dh has a habit of saying stuff to just acquaintances and l have to rein him in. If my friend bought a new house he would ask me how much they paid. When l say in a million years l am not asking her that he says you're weird but l respect my friends privacy and am not for changing.
Try to get a balance with dh and he needs to respect your wishes too. Everything can't be blamed on your upbringing he is out of order too.
Meet in the middle.

This is tricky because both have you have very different relationships with your family. My parents have very poor boundaries (always have done) and as a result I have learned the hard way and give them very little information. I would have loved to have being able to share problems etc in the way your husband feels he can but the way our family is set up it means that I am, like yourself, quite guarded with personal information. I think the only thing you can reasonably do is fully explain to your husband your reasons for not liking it, hopefully he can understand your perspective a little and this may mean that he considers what gets passed on and what remains private. But ultimately, you can’t stop him from sharing with his family or control what he shares, especially as he views them as his support network.