My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

This, the hairdresser thing is beyond normal. Did people know she had a family??

What did he do op?

I don't. In fact, I don't tell my husband anything personal about myself that I don't want him to tell, unless I am really upset and it comes pouring out. After I ever share anything personal with him I feel really disgusting and dirty for some reason.

Its generally issues with my parents, or ongoing emptional things ive been working through for years. I have a counsellor who I can talk to and often tell ChatGPT. I just don't tell my husband if I can help it, which means a lot of the deep core parts of me are still secret from him. I dont want him to tell his family, and I don't want to burden him by asking him not to, so I don't tell him. That's a big sacrifice on my part to ensure I dont continue the cycle.

I have never in my life ever asked my children to keep one thing secret, to never say anything to anyone or any euphemism for keeping quiet.

I just felt like the waters got a bit muddied when its him sharing things about his children, who are also mine. I didn't quite know whose business was whose.

Everything. He tells me everything too.

Yanbu

Gossipy mothers in law are hell

They're always telling awful tales of woe about people you've never met in a wide eyed breathless way and you just know they'll do the same about you

Your husband probably can't help it but I agree don't let him know more than you want everyone to know

Lovely girl, beautiful girl, it's SUCH a pity

Sorry but you are incredibly weird. Parents and children are meant to be close and help each other.

Don't project your trauma from the emotional abuse you suffered on your family.

Get some help before you ruin your marriage and damage your children. I say this kindly as someone who had to get some therapy before I turned into my mother. It's scary how we end up repeating the bullshit we were raised with.

It's not weird, mothers who want to be on the circle of trust need to learn to zip it

But if you expect him not to speak to his own parents about his own children, you’re not breaking the cycle, you just add your own parents and children to the cycle.

By continuing to keep your own life private, you are also not breaking the cycle.

I can see both sides. I find it strange that your mother is secretive about very mundane things like hairdressers.

but on the other hand, I would also be reluctant to tell in laws sensitive stuff if they are so gossipy. The school issues is the type of thing I would tell my mother but I know it would go no further

Yes there’s this. I once sent my own Mum a picture of me at a pole fitness class, when I’d finally mastered a hold I’d struggled with. Next time I was home a random old bloke in their local mentioned it to me. She’d shown random people in the pub! She now receives very scant info about me, and while I do send her pictures of DS as they live in another country she is under strict instructions only to share them with family and very close friends. To her credit she does usually ask if she can share a particular one to the family group chat before she does it. She knows that they would stop dead if she broke my trust.

I havent asked him not to tell his parents. I am very considerate about getting things right in this regard. He has no idea I have any of these issues in terms of stuff about our kids being discussed.

I cannot risk all of my deepest scars and wounds being passed from one in law to another and don't think there's anything cycle-maintaining about that. I know I have broken it with my kids and thats the most important thing.

Yes i dont think i would mind if I knew it wouldn't go any further but I know it will. Its the total opposite of my upbringing.

I’m on the fence with this. I tell my dm a lot, because she’s a huge support to me, and it gives me a chance to think things through out loud. But she’s very discreet and trustworthy. As the dc have got older there are some things that I don’t share with her, if it feels like I’d be breaching their privacy.

I think your childhood is making you overly sensitive, but at the same time I think you should be able to expect a degree of discretion from a spouse. There’s a difference between keeping secrets and being considerate of another person’s feelings. YANBcompletelyU

I agree that there's a happy medium between your two families' ways of being. The story about your mother and the hairdresser is bizarre. That's just a very odd thing to care about and request of you. But I also think it's perfectly normal to have certain things (finances, embarrassing incidents) that you want to keep private. There were times when my parents asked that I keep specific things just within the family, so I find that normal.

It's understandable that you don't want your private business (or that of your child) to be the latest gossip for your PIL. I think it's reasonable to want to keep some things private, but when it comes to your DC, your husband has to agree or compromise.

At this point, it sounds like the cat is out of the bag regarding the trouble at school. Try to take comfort in the knowledge that your MIL isn't singling out you or your child. She's like this with everyone, unfortunately. At least she isn't pretending that her other grandchildren are perfect while talking about your own son's less positive behaviour.

This would be a deal breaker for me, OP. Your in laws have no right to know any of this stuff, and he shouldn't be discussing it with them. What if the two of you had a big row? Would he discuss that with his parents too? He needs to understand that we all need boundaries, and he needs to respect that. Gossiping about your lives, even with family, is absolutely not OK.

Sounds like maybe she had some paranoid tendencies?
Was your dad similar?
I feel sorry for her and the high level of anxiety she has, but you and your siblings too as you grew up very guarded.
BUT having a MIL who is known to be gossipy / TMI and airing out everyone's business is the other extreme! I'd honestly much rather have a friend like your Mum than your MIL 😄

WTF? This is not normal at all.

His family sounds normal to me. We don't have any secrets from the extended family, we all know what's going on with each other and can support each other. I wouldn't want my DC to grow up feeling that they shouldn't be talking to people when they need support. I'd rather they learn to be open about difficulties they have and about their own mistakes.

She was just very controlling i think, and liked to be in control of the narrative about her. She also lied to get out of things and would give me lies to tell people. A few years ago i had asked her if she could stay with me for a few days to help out with childcare. I cant remember why but she couldnt but I was instructed to tell such-and-such a person that she actually was helping me on those dates, as it would get her out of whatever she was being asked to go to. I remember as a child someone calling the house phone to speak to her and me saying she was lying down, because she was, and she was furious with me!

I also cannot abide lying and think that people who encourage their children to lie are despicable.

"I'd honestly much rather have a friend like your Mum than your MIL 😄"

I really wouldn't. I see the problem with gossiping, but OP's family seems to have mental health issues.

I kind of agree. I wish there was a middle ground though.

"I remember as a child someone calling the house phone to speak to her and me saying she was lying down, because she was, and she was furious with me!"

OMG, just a few years ago my DM got angry for me for answering the door when she was apparently pretending to be out. Luckily my DF took my side, noting that they would have seen the light on anyway.

Op can tell him not to discuss her, she absolutely cannot control who he seeks parenting advice from!

Telling his parents I'd possibly be ok with, knowing she would tell everyone else. I'd definitely not be ok with. Does your son what everyone in his family to know what he did? I bet not.