My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

I think there are two issues. My mother also thinks that Omertà is for wimps and lives to the northern Irish standard of “say nothing”. I get it.

But I also think you could have a conversation with your PIL , just to say where you boundaries are. Is there a reason you can’t talk to them?

I think the middle ground is what you should be aiming for and modeling for your kids.

It’s okay to have some things that stay between immediate family - you DH and kids, and okay to have some stuff that goes just to the GPs.

Your mother went to an unhealthy extreme. Your MIL sounds like mine - loves the drama of being the one to share the latest news/gossip.

Try to get your DH on the same page for big important sensitive things - explain the reason behind not oversharing some stuff - ie your child’s recent school issue - that could be something not shared with GPs in order to protect your son’s privacy. Or something that is downplayed to GPs, or they are told to keep to themselves.

And on your side keep processing your trauma with a therapist, and work on letting go a little.

Re your son I would discuss this with your husband and ask him to respect your son’s privacy and maybe say that you know stuff about your nephews you think should have been private or told to you by his sibs if they wanted the whole extended family to know. As a teenager I wouldn’t have wanted my aunts and uncles to know my private business. Tell him that when older your kids may not feel they can confide in you both if they think everything gets relayed to granny and told to everyone

I think some family things should stay private. I would hate to think that my husband told his parents something about one of our children that in later life would be embarassing for them. Yes we all talk generally about mundane little things that ultimately do no harm but we should know when to draw the line.

Stop projecting.

This is relatable. I’m a very private person, my family on both sides are the same.

I have at times found it almost physically painful how open my husband can be. Not in an embarrassing way to be clear, he’s not out there oversharing about our sex life or anything like that, but he would merrily share salary information, how much our mortgage payments are etc with his children. I absolutely hated it.

These are actually child age children by the way, not adult children. I am all for teaching children how to manage money but knowing the intricacies of your parents finances is not appropriate, in my opinion.

Maybe you carry it all too far.

However I do think it is a bad idea to discuss children's issues with wider family. We owe our children confidentiality.

On one occasion some years ago, SIL asked me about the medical condition I was suffering from at the time, and said she hoped it would be better soon.

All well and good. Except it was an extremely personal issue and I didn't tell anyone at all except for DH, and I assumed he would consider it a private matter. Turned out he'd told MIL all about it, with updates, and she'd relayed it to SIL and god knows who else.

I was absolutely furious with DH and told him to never do it again. He knew I meant business, and to be fair, he didn't do it again.

That would be a major problem - fortunately for us he doesn’t behave like OP’s DH.

Surely in a normal healthy marriage you prioritise the concerns of your spouse over your desire to chat to your parents? I would not expect my DH not to talk to his parents about most things, but I do not want him talking to them about my health, our finances, or about some trouble DC is in which he is ashamed of.

I completely feel for you. Childhood trauma is awful, it will stay with us for a long time.
First well done for realising what it is thats an amazing step.
Second I think you could do with some therapy. It will help you sort out your feelings which are 100 per cent valid.
How you were brought up isn't your fault it also isn't normal.
It's healthy to share within a family as previous posters have said it really does take a village.
Take a breath, talk to your husband about exactly what happened when you were younger and how it still affects you to this day.
Good luck. You are stronger than you realise.

That’s me to a Tee. My MIL is the same as the OP’s. I have told my husband never to discuss anything or talk about any plans we have with his mother unless we are ready for everyone to know. I hate anyone knowing everything about me. I don’t trust anyone a 100%, not even my mother.

YANBU.

Perhaps I'm too cynical but quite frankly... knowledge is power. How other people talk about us shapes how other people think about us and can have real repercusions for us. Celebrities and companies look at 'reputation management' for a reason.

I remember my own DGPs (both sides of the family) sharing horrible gossip about other parts of the family, often in a tone that seemed to me to be faux-sympathetic but came across as frankly triumphant and as reinforcing their own sense of smug superiority. They loved an 'oh dear, x has done this...' Behaviour, emotional difficulties and weight changes were examples of things on the table for over-sharing. I recall even as a kid having that sinking feeling that if they were talking to me like this about my own cousins, I could be damned certain they would talk to my cousins about me in the same way. It all came with a great pressure to achieve, to come across as 'perfect' in the eyes of others, and with a sense of intense shame. My own parents were so deeply worried about what others would say or think that looking good on th surface felt to me to be more important than happiness or other types of success. You couldn't admit weakness.

Funnily enough I was talking to someone the other day who was telling me that he could never let his guard down or share his emotions with his parents because it would end up 'getting back to everyone'.

Like you OP, it might be that I'm projecting my own experiences here, Certainly I know that not everyone who shares stories around does so with the same level of power trip that I experienced from my own DGP. Information-sharing can perform a lot of human functions and perhaps it is lovely to sometimes have human networks of support and problem-solving that reach beyond an insular family unit. Ideally we would also live in a society where making (most sorts of) mistakes is fine as long as we pay our dues and accept the consequences; where we don't need to censor ourselves all the time or to 'manage' our reputations; where people are embraced despite flaws and we seek to understand one another before judging. I don't think it's that likely to happen though. I think reputation has mattered in every society (how else are human beings supposed to work out who to trust and how much?).

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible.

Surely this has more to do with your son getting into "very big trouble" than anything else. What did he actually do? Why does he deserve privacy under those circumstances? Maybe he should've thought about that before he got in very big trouble. It seems like the type of thing that was bound to get out anyway. This all just seems like an excuse not to deal with whatever it is he did which is what you should be focusing on.

My ex told me comments his sister had made about her sex life, which had been relayed via his dad. Ditto his uncle and aunt’s sex life. And then he admitted that his dad had been told about mine! Urgh. He “didn’t have anyone else to talk to”.

I think your mother and your MIL are at two extremes. Your mother doesn't want her hairdresser to know you are related and your MIL would tell 100 of her nearest and dearest friends all about your gynecological surgery. Your husband was brought up with his mother's approach, so he feels uncomfortable unless he tells her everything. You are the opposite. As others say, you need a happy medium.

I would argue that your son getting in trouble at school is a private thing. It is not your news. It's his news, and therefore his decision whether it is to be shared or to be kept private. Do you want your son to grow up and feel like he can't tell you things because your husband will tell your MIL who will tell the whole neighborhood? No.

Your husband needs to put his own child before his mother. Telling his mother private things about your family is disloyal to you and, if he inappropriately shares your children's private news, then it is also disloyal to your children.

There's little you can do about this as your husband will continue to have access to your children's private info until they are adults. But you can tell him what you think and you can voice your reasonable concerns.

My mum and MIL are both like that so they don’t get told much at all. I think it’s understandable that you feel how you do.

I remember my mum telling her friends and neighbours very personal things about my life and health when I was a teen and I hated it. Due to that, I feel my children deserve privacy about things in their life unless they choose to share them. My partner has always been in full support of that so that obviously makes it easier. My kids know that certain things stay inside our 4 walls. If there is a problem, we will deal with it, they may get a bollocking if they’ve done something wrong or stupid, but certain things will stay between us and never go any further unless they choose to share.

I think some people view children as not worthy of privacy and dignity as they feel their kids are their property. They forget they are individuals with feelings who may not want everything about their life to be told to others. They forget that they’re going to grow up one day and have feelings about their parents not being trustworthy and loyal to them.

What? The school will be dealing with it and OP has said she supported the school and gave consequences at home. How is that not dealing with it?

Sometimes kids make bad decisions because they are young and still learning. They get into trouble, face appropriate consequences, and with parents help, they move on, done in the right way, the child learns and it doesn’t happen again. Even adults can make mistakes they they wouldn’t want everyone to know about. As long as it’s nothing illegal, they’re entitled to privacy so why should children be any different?

The child that has faced consequences and likely feels bad enough, doesn’t need anyone else other than teachers and their parents knowing, certainly not a gossiping grandma. Some grandparents may be respectful people and so could be told, because their interest would be genuine, but it doesn’t sound like that is the case here.

If there was a scale with your family on one end and your husbands family on the other, I’d want to be smack in the middle. So I’d say you not being unreasonable or reasonable.

There are things in life to kept private and there are also things that you should be able to openly talk about and tell your loved ones. Not one extreme or another. Neither are healthy.

This really stood out to me though:
I don't tell my husband anything personal about myself

I don’t see the point in being married to someone you don’t trust. It must be an awful way to live.

reality is, it is different upbringings, your husband was brought up in a share everything keep me up dated no boundaries home. you were raised in a home where it was taught not to share your emotions and maybe relationships felt dangerous. hence your present discomfort. maybe get some counselling and cognitive behavior treatment to help you deal with childhood trauma

I never got into "very big trouble" in primary school, neither did any of my friends. It depends completely on what said child did ie if it was hurting another child or stealing etc. This is the mum telling it here, she's going to downplay it by default so it must've been something pretty serious if even she is describing it as "very big trouble". How could we possibly know whether the dad was right to tell his parents or not without even knowing what happened?

For me it would depend on how in-laws treated the news. If it was DH talking to his parents in confidence for their advice/support it would be fine, if you think in-laws will bring it up in front of DC or tell everyone they know as gossip then not ok. I did not grow up in a don’t tell household at all but I’m very private and my in-laws can be big gossips/drama lovers and I feel like I wouldn’t want them to know every time my children had misbehaved. Toddler and soon to be baby now so we haven’t got to the school age yet!

My husband is the same
Gossips and tells his family everything and they gossip.
My 3 teenagers often tell me things and tell me not to tell Dad, nothing serious but things like the date for their driving test

Ok, neither you nor your friends ever got in trouble at school. Neither did I. And what?

I'm being vague to protect my child and so I don't out myself. We came down on them like an absolute tonne of bricks and were fully on the side of the school. They didn't break the law, it wasn't anything outside of the realm of normal for a child their age but they got double whammy consequences at home and school. Its actually really silly to decide that I have downplayed anything. I dont want my child to be defined by this moment but this doesnt mean that I did not take it incredibly seriously.

Because the teachers and parents were dealing with it and putting the appropriate consequences in place. It doesn’t sound like OPs husband has judged this as something the GP needs to know, it’s just that he tells them everything.

Telling a person who is a gossip, just because they happen to be a grandparent, isn’t appropriate.

Well, I don’t tell my mum anything that I don’t want the extended family to know. She has no ability to hold back. I often have to interrupt her to tell her I shouldn’t know something about someone else.

And yes, I think a child has a right to privacy.

So I hear where you are coming from.