My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

I'd happily stick my medical history on a noticeboard - so I struggle with what anyone want's to keep "secret"? Prison sentences? - but they get published.

Bankruptcy, I suppose. Sexual issues?

I would find it draining trying to imagine what all your rules might or might not be, OP.

But then, we are a product of our lives to date.

You can, but the issue is respecting that your children may think differently to you. Also when it’s a child’s behavioural issue, some people like to remind others of it often because they’re arseholes, or maybe just not realising that the child may feel embarrassed in time.

Try to let that part of you go. It is years of learned behaviour from a paranoid person = your mother.
My aunt is a bit like this, she frowned when I told her that nobody else would be interested in her life or business. Ridiculous behaviour.

you do sound like you are projecting, and it may be worth seeking some mental health support for this. All sounds very strange and your mother also could do with some support for what seems to be paranoia.

that being said, we don’t disclose every small detail to my MIL, but no matter what we tell her, it makes its way round the family like wildfire. If we’re unwell, have a job interview, tree falls over in our garden, we get messages from everyone in his family saying sorry/good luck etc and it’s annoying! We don’t have anything to hide per se, but we are careful with anything we don’t want banded about!

I completely agree with you OP.

The problem isn't your DH talking to his DM. The problem is that your MIL is a thoughtless gossip.

It is normal to share information with close family, and as you have already identified yourself, it would be generally be wrong of you to prevent your husband talking to his mum about things that are important to him (although it is completely reasonable to expect him to exercise discretion where the topic concerns you personally).

It is completely unreasonable for your MIL to then share this further as common gossip. Unfortunately she is unlikely to change, and so YANBU to tell your DH that you do not want him to discuss private family matters with her. She clearly cannot be trusted.

I keep all my rules ro myself except that I dont want my personal problems shared and that I never tell my kids to lie or keep a secret.

But it is exhausting for me to have all of these weak spots triggered and have to just sit with the discomfort because I know I am being unreasonable. I havent mentioned any of this to my husband, about the current situation.

I think this situation is quite common but it can definitely cause my problems.
We are the same, I tell my parents everything, my son tells me everything. My husband doesnt tell his family anything and they dont tell us. Makes me feel like you dont fully know them and there's always a distance between us. Whenever we talk its just pleasantries and real life gets swept under the carpet.
This has effected us greatly the past few years as my husband has been very unwell, been in hospital a few times and cant work. They dont know anything about it. At a time when we really could have used their support. I suffered for 2 years then told him I was telling my own parents. I didnt care what he said. I now have them to support me. Unfortunately my daughter is the same as them. Keeps everything to herself. I already know this is going to affect our relationship as adults. I really do think that family should be involved in life to give support and guidance

I do understand this, my MIL and her family always want to be the first to pass on negative gossip and really thrive on it - who’s died, whose child can’t walk yet, any health issues etc… it’s never the positive things and that’s what I don’t like.

I recently found out that she’d told all her family something about my own mums health in her family group chat and it really upset me. I can’t stop my husband telling her things when he talks to her but it’s so frustrating that it then becomes a source of gossip with people we don’t even speak to!

I dont think you are unreasonable.

When i am deciding what to tell who the first thing i consider is is this my information.
If not, do i have the right to share it. - need to know v want to know.

What's the purpose of sharing it. Would the person whose information it is want or need me to share it. Will the person i am sharing with respect the privacy of the person whose information it is, etc

People are too free with other people's information imo. Just because they are related to you does not mean they arent allowed privacy.

Yes, I wouldn't necessarily apply my own rules to info about DC.
But, even then, I would happily say what Uni she is at etc, or what A levels she took. Would hate to live in a world where I had to pretend she didn't exist

My mum grew up in a secretive family, too. Some of the "secrets" were genuinely private things, but others.... as another PP said, nothing good came out of it except family members turning against each other.

The way I see it: secrets and shame go hand-in-hand. Noone should be made to feel guilty for sharing totally normal life stuff with family. If they are, they will soon start feeling guilty about everything and anything, which is toxic. Don't fall into that trap, OP.

I agree, normal stuff is OK but I grew up with my mother discussing my every misdemeanour with her family, sometimes in front of me, and it was awful, I could not wait to get away.

She forbade me from talking about some things, had double standards.

I agree. In some ways we were very open/too open?, but there was also secrecy in order to protect others from feeling worried. My mum is a worried (as am I) and we tend keep things from each other so as not to worry the other which is a shame as we then can't support each other due to not wanting to burden the other 🫤

I think there is a middle line between keeping everything private and gossiping. To me the person about to share news should always ask themself “ is this my news to share or is it someone else’s “ If it’s yours fine divulge as much as you want but if it is about someone else and you repeat it you are gossiping and gratuitously spreading their news just so you appear more interesting

If my child had done something servere enough I had to work with the school and have consequences I would value the support of my family over the child's "privacy"

I accept this depends on what your family are like but it sounds like your DHs family are close and communicative.

And youre defo projecting. I wouldnt worry. Youre a family and everyone will want to do best in your DCs interests

I think you need to tell this to DP. How you feel when you are open and how it links to your mums behaviour because of course youd feel like this after her odd narrative controlling ways.

And I think theres balance to be had between wanting to let DH in slowly without fear of it immediately being repeated and trusting his judgement that somethings arent "gossip" or "telling" its just sharing with people you trust.

Your mum ruined your ability to trust and your DHs family sound like they might have the ability to help you heal a bit

As an aside whatever trouble DC has been in, again no-one is saying they should be shuned or anything. But sometimes giving someone "privacy" regarding a bad thing theyve done is kinda like sweeping it away and avoiding accountability and thats a balance too.

Lean on DH and his family, I hope it helps

In close families things do get discussed and it's considered normal. Things that happen at school become known about in the community because other kids in the school will know. The kids can be pretty oblivious though. For example, I was amazed to find out what my mother knew about the notorious teenage scandals in my class 20 years later. I think having to censor yourself all the time is not healthy and will take its toll on you. Your mother not wanting you to go to her hairdresser or say who you are is extremely odd behaviour, and hurtful.

The hairdresser thing is weird !
I think the issue is your MIL gossips , I wouldn’t be comfortable either.
He can share what he likes about him but when it comes to the kids or your health etc you need to discuss that first IMO
Nobody likes being gossiped about

My mum, keeps the immediate family informed of everything! I think its a generational thing that pre dates mobiles when long labdline phones calls were expensive 😄

I think if there has never been any negative fall out from anything your DH has told his family that you’d rather he hadn’t, then yabu.

However, sadly, sometimes there can be, as our in-laws are not our direct family and people can be very different with very different opinions about things, and it’s true you do have to sometimes be selective about what you say to whom. So I also get where you are coming from OP.

What a huge amount of energy you must expend, OP, tying yourself in tight knots to keep so much in. You and your DH are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which must be hard. It sounds trite, but if each of you moved a bit, you'd be closer together and things would be easier.

As someone nearer to your DH than you, what influenced me was something the vicar of our local church said to my mum when my dad died young-ish and my mum was worried about what people might say: that all of human life could be found in the houses surrounding ours. Your upbringing has made sharing pretty much anything taboo, but the norm is to share much, not to conceal nearly everything.

I have an Aunt like this. She is obsessed with everyone else’s business, telling me about work colleagues daughter who’s fiance had run off with another woman, told me I should get work done on my house by so and so’s
husband as he’s been made redundant and they’re struggling for money, etc etc. ‘Remember x? You do - the one from… well you should see her now!! Piled it on!! What a shame…’

I’d see other family who would ask me how we were doing with xyz which were personal things I’d told her at another time. I remember one lady I only vaguely knew via this Aunty who loudly shouted to me in Primark ‘I’m sorry to hear you lost the baby last year!’

Like you, I’ve had to limit myself what I tell my Dad as he always tells her (his sister) and then the whole world and his wife knows about it a few hours later.

You just need to make it clear to him that some things are private close family matters, as in your home family, not his Mum because she tells everyone else.

My MIL isn’t like this luckily but my 3 aunties are, so I’ve had it my whole childhood and now well into my 30s and I keep them all at arms length now.

I get what you’re saying. You want to be able to talk freely but to know it will be kept to those concerned. Neither of you are wrong or right, just need to try and meet in the middle. It’s good if the mother in law keeps it in the family. Better than having one who would tell everyone she saw in a shared locality…it may help to tell her how you feel one day. You need a trusted confidante.

This is just...weird? Me and my mum have the same hairdresser. Hairdresser knows we're mother and daughter, I can't fathom why she wouldn't! Why does your mum want to know she's not related to you.

Your husbands family sound entirely normal. It's exactly the thing I'd expect my husband to tell my MIL if I hadn't already told her first!

OP, I don’t think your issues are as bad as some people think they are. My parents were not very nice and when I grew up I saw less and less of them. I certainly never told them my secrets. My ILs were lovely but we didn’t live in each other’s pockets.
Your husband should be able to keep things from his parents if you ask him to. Your MIL sounds awful discussing everybody’s problems. I am sure your children don’t want everything they do discussed within the wider family. Their own immediate family should provide protection. My husband and I have always kept some things between ourselves. When our children were young they could rely on us not telling other people things that they had told us in confidence. Our adult children do not tell us everything about their personal lives and we get on very well. I do not need to know the details of everyone else’s lives. I have a proper life to live. It sounds that your MIL does not have a fulfilling life.