My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

Both my husband and I are close with our families but wouldn't tell them everything about our children either, especially once they hit the teenage years. For example, son getting caught by police with weed - absolutely not for sharing!!! Once family hear something like that they get a reputation that's difficult to shake even though it was a phase.

My dh and his massive family are the same. It annoys me so much, the amount of times I've asked him not to tell his family every detail of our lives. They are so nosey and pry all the time. Everything is judged, particularly financial details. If we want to buy something new we'll have the entire family's opinion on the cost of it and whether it's worth it. My family are the complete opposite, they would never dream of giving their opinion.

I voted YABU, but both sides are pretty extreme!

I put my mum on an information diet years ago because she has no boundaries as far as my personal ‘stuff’ and I doubt she would with my kids’ personal ‘stuff’ either, so I absolutely get the thing with not wanting to be gossiped about.

However, you can’t tell your DH to feel like that if he doesn’t. You can point out that your DS has a right to privacy, which is how I’d view something like this, but if DH’s family are fundamentally ‘sharers’ it won’t be meaningful to him.

I also think it’s a bit of a worry that you said upthread that you’re more comfortable talking to ChatGPT - an LLM which does God knows what with whatever you’re telling it - than you are a human. AI is the LAST thing I would pour my heart out to if I wanted and needed privacy or secrecy for my emotional safety.

You’re both being unreasonable here and you need to find a middle ground. If you want a healthy relationship with your DH and your children you need to be able to open up on a regular basis and not just leave it all till a meltdown. Your DH needs to understand that not every conversation is a wider family discussion.

I honestly couldn’t live like either one of you. Your both coming from to very opposing sides but you need a frank conversation with your DH about what each of your boundaries are. You are really going to struggle to heal those wounds when anything you do share gets passed on. You need to create a safe place to do it first and it doesn’t sound like you have that yet.

Sorry, but that's insane. Why did it even occur to her to worry about that?

Even if he did hurt another child, why does that mean that the grandmother ‘needs’ to know? I’m sure the OP would be more willing to share things with her MIL if she didn’t subsequently gossip about them to all and sundry, so not being told things would just be a consequence of her inability to keep things to herself.

You're not being unreasonable, and neither is your husband. It's not a question of which approach is right, but maybe it's worth thinking about which approach has the best outcome. Your husband seems to be very close with his family, and you make them sound like a happier family, whereas yours sound more difficult. So maybe openness makes for a happier family? That would be good for your kids.

I wouldn't be impressed with your dh, sharing your child's troubles with the local gossip. He isn't much of a parent if he can't show his family basic discretion.

I've split from my ds' dad but there is a lot about our ds that he doesn't know, because he is the same, cannot keep his mouth shut and shares it with his interfering new woman who then shares it with the world.

Some people just lack consideration and professionalism. Best that your dh, like my ex, only hears the good stuff. You are a decent considerate mum.

This!

It’s not necessarily the openness with her MIL that the OP objects to though, it’s the fact that the MIL then tells multiple other people the things that have been shared with her. Children have a right not to have their personal business shared far and wide. There are many things about our family that I’d quite happily share with my MIL, but I won’t because I know that she’d tell people that I wouldn’t be happy to share with. Regardless of whether it makes her husband happy to tell his mum stuff, they have to consider the rights of their children to privacy.

I think your DH telling your MIL is normal, your MIL spreading it everywhere is not and potentially hurtful to your child. Can you not establish that as a boundary - i.e. ask MIL to not spread things about the kids that are sensitive.

in THIS specific instance you are 100% correct to keep you child's info private and I would be furious for my H to tell his mother.

However I dont understand your previous post where you said that because he tells his mother things, you then feel obliged to tell yours. Why?

If your, frankly odd, mother finds things out then tough on her. She can't have it both ways. She doesn't want people to talk about her business, so why would she want to know about anyone else's??

It depends how you define ‘normal’. It’s perfectly normal for people to be gossipy just like it’s normal to be private. My MIL would do exactly the same and frame it that she ‘needed’ to talk to people because she was so worried.

I’d be annoyed if my DH did what the OP’s did too.

It’s because the in laws are so gossipy they tell her parents for her. So then it looks odd.

Your child will thank you for this. It's awful growing up with a parent who has no respect for your privacy. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings.

Yeah that sounds a bit extreme with the hairdresser, she presumably couldn't trust you with normal hairdresser smalltalk and the hairdresser potentially asking innocent questions about your family. But I get where you are coming from. I hate the idea of being gossip fodder, even if it's just the family talking about it. It creates a sense of bitchiness.... "oooh guess what's happening with so and so..." it would piss me off. I don't have any advice, maybe just if something like the school situation comes up you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about your child's right to privacy and make him promise to stick to it, let him chat about the lesser stuff.

Or the dm sent her to a completely different hairdresser as she didn’t want to share hers so if she’d said “you do my mums hair” the hairdresser would have been “who?!”….

These are separate issues. Yes, you’re clearly affected by your upbringing but equally, you and your husband should have agreed an approach regarding this situation with your son (which sounds very difficult). I can understand that you might not want everyone to know about a serious situation you’re trying to navigate, and as you say, you want to give your son the opportunity to move on without the stigma.

What has your husband said specifically about this situation with your son and have you explained the reasons why telling others, particularly those who gossip, might be a bad idea?

You both have different beliefs and values. Relationships generally work better if they align. You can’t stop him being who he is. You were brought up differently and now you have children it is more obvious.

I totally understand your feelings OP - your upbringing was extreme, which has given you anxiety about sharing your true feelings, but I also don’t think it’s weird to want to control the narrative sometimes.

I have three siblings, and lots of nephews and nieces - and it’s a well-known fact that anything we tell our mum becomes common knowledge. She’ll ‘forget’ she’s not supposed to talk about something and the next thing you know, everyone knows it. This is fine sometimes but like others have said, our kids can get a reputation or become defined by things.

My daughter had the beginnings of an eating disorder for example (which thankfully she’s recovered from after therapy) and I longed to confide in my mum as we’re close - I didn’t though because I didn’t want everyone (siblings, cousins etc) watching my daughter’s eating, making comments, making it an issue - this could have been really harmful to her as she seemed to relax and eat normally when away from home.
Just an example but it’s not ok if you can’t trust someone to keep something to themselves - and I do think kids deserve privacy too.

Yanbu. Yes your mum's ways sound harmful AND your DH's family sound very unboundaried and frankly disrespectful.

My situation is not the same but there are things I can relate to in your post and some of the comments. The truth is everyone has a line - even people who are saying your DH is not doing anything wrong will have things they wouldn't want shared. Sex life is an obvious one. Perhaps money matters, or marital disputes.

So who is to say where the correct line is?
You are, when it comes to your matters. With your child's business, that will take some negotiation and your child's voice could be taken into consideration too.

I think it's incredibly sad your husband hasn't become a trusted support to you. It sounds lonely for you, and stressful, if it ends in periodic outbursts when you can't keep things in. Would couples counselling to attend to this issue be an option?

Mainly wanted to say, I feel for you because this stuff is really hard. You're talking about feelings of safety and unsafety, when the threat is invisible, intangible, and therefore really hard to navigate and even define sometimes.

That said, not wanting your MIL blabbering about your intimate lives is quite bogstandardly normal.

Your mum is unhinged and you should definitely be discussing normal husband wife and wider family communication in your therapy. Don’t let her continue to control you- if she hears something about your children and is negative about it you say calmly this is why I don’t discuss my children health or behaviour with you. You’re allowed to name it. You’re allowed to not tell her, and you’re not a bad person because you have healthy relationships with other people. Or because your husband does.
you also need to learn to be clear with your husband that the children are his too, but your private issues are your private issues and not to be shared. Perhaps you should do some joint counseling sessions to help you express this? My dh is very close to his mum and was a chronic oversharer, I had to explain this very clearly and even then when I was pregnant with our first my instructions for my dh included your mum does not get updates on how many cm dilated I am.

Exactly. My MIL is like this—I know far too many details about her social circle. So no, my kids’ mistakes will not become gossip fodder for this group, nor did my major surgery to repair damage from childbirth—that was all kept under wraps to protect my privacy and my dignity.

I totally agree with you OP. I wouldn’t want my family business discussed over the dinner table with other in-laws or anyone the MIL choses to tell. Your husband should respect your wishes. You and your children have a right to privacy about things you’d rather not discuss in public. I think you and your husband need to agree what’s permissible to discuss and what’s not and stick to it. I also wouldn’t tell my partner private stuff if I thought he’d blab it to his parents who’d then discuss it with others. It must be pretty stressful to deal with, so I’d have this out with him and agree where the boundaries lie.

A lot of posters are jumping to the conclusion that the MIL is a terrible gossip and judging the situation on that, but OP doesn't describe her as a gossip. She says that she would likely share information within the family.

When my own nephew was going through some difficulties in school this was widely discussed within my family, including sisters-in-law, because we were all concerned and all wanted to help if we could. It wasn't gossip.

Of course MIL should be cautious about oversharing and the OP's husband should be judicious about what information he shares, but I don't think he's inherently wrong.

I also think a lot of posters have glossed over what I think is a deeply sad and worrying admission by the OP: that she doesn't trust her husband and that whenever she shares something personal about herself, she feels dirty and disgusting. These seem like really serious issues to be dealt with in therapy. I can't imagine feeling this way after confiding in the person I married. It's really sad that OP feels that way. OP your mother has really damaged you.