My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

I actually agree with you OP. It’s not just a case sharing with MIL, it’s the fact that you know she’ll then share with whoever she wants to. I agree that children have a right to privacy and their personal business shouldn’t be broadcast everywhere just because their grandmother likes to overshare.

A lot of extremes here and no happy medium.

Obviously your mum’s way of doing things sounds batshit and awful; but I’m not sure things are much better with your DH and his family. Talking to each other is good but everybody telling your MIL absolutely everything, and her then sharing everything with everyone else is really not normal. It sounds as if the only options here are insanely rigid, over the top boundaries; or no boundaries at all. And neither is healthy.

You should absolutely be able to confide in your DH about past trauma of yours and expect him not to share that with his mother. And he should be able to talk to her about what’s happened with your DC and know that it won’t get relayed all round the whole family - if it’s something quite sensitive, and about a child who will soon be a teenager, that child has the right to privacy on her/his own account.

Have you ever actually said to your DH that you’d like to tell him more about things that have hurt you, but it’s really painful for you if he then shares your confidences with his mum, especially knowing that she’s likely to share them with others?

Could you say to him that while you accept the way things were done in your family wasn’t great, the way things are done in his isn’t great either? That while having too many boundaries is unhealthy, having some is actually good?

What do you think his reaction to that would be?

It’s his mom, I think it’s normal to tell them everything. Your family sound a little bit restrictive and made a big deal over privacy that it’s caused some issues. The truth is kids don’t blab all your business. They may let slip a few things but the majority of that will have missing context. Like the time my daughter told the school she had to protect me from her dad. I was called into a meeting and was horrified. We used to play a game where he’d grab me and she had to come and get me back. A game that she loved and would ask to play. It really tainted it for a while and I refused to play the game. Then I thought it was punishing her for trying to explain a game. So we resumed playing it but I said don’t tell anyone and my husband pulled me up. He said no sweetheart you tell anyone you want to because the game isn’t bad or wrong

I am not incredibly weird.

I have been somewhat damaged in some ways, yes, and have been in therapy on and off for some years. I am, as a person, however, not incredibly weird. Incredibly confused and conflicted at times, yes.

Blimey! Are you absolutely sure she hadn't been on the run since before you were born??

Oh god, I was brought up like you and my DH like yours.

I really detest my private business being shared and DH's mum was a nosey fucker who loved to find out every detail and then tell everyone she knows.

I did struggle with this a little but fortunately my DH was onboard with not sharing things I wasn't comfortable with with her.

We did end up going non contact but that was a different matter!

I feel for you, I'd be LIVID if my DH shared private things with his gossipy mother. He already shared more than I was comfortable with when we were dating, but thankfully, he reined that in on my request!

you are both at opposite ends of a spectrum. There needs to be a meeting in the middle. Find the middle ground You are a team and it needs to be a negotiation between the two of you what is discussed. He needs to pull back a bit and you need to let go a bit. Nothing to do with projection
communicate with each other.

Yes. He said all the right things but it didnt feel convincing. It was like 'yeah you can tell me anything, dont worry babe, I'll not tell anyone' but I just didnt buy it. If it was me trying to convince someone that I trusted them, I would make sure they believed it (if I meant it!). Its so triggering for me that I can't bring it up until I have a meltdown every 2 years or so and cry and pour my heart out. Then I feel I cant take it back and ai feel sick.

I come from a somewhat secretive family too, and it's bonkers. The worst offenders also have giant egos. I think it's a self-importance thing. They act like they're household names on whom the press would love the slightest bit of dirt! 🤣

It's only a sample size of three, but the worst ones all have a very negative view of the world and other people, and are low on empathy. Sunny and warm they are not. So I wonder if this secretiveness, much of which seems unnecessary and odd when practised on your own family, is part of a certain cast of character.

I'm with you on this one, infact my now exh is my exh because amongst many other reasons he cant keep his mouth shut about private stuff, he constantly told his parents, work colleagues and friends our private family business often added his own embellished facts to it too & I found it incredibly disrespectful, I too come from a family where things were and still are generally turned in to my fault, but I honestly believe your private business and that of your dc is exactly that and it's no one else's business but the parties involved, it's not juicy gossip to pass around.

This

When i hear my MIL tearing her good friends to pieces at length in front of me, I shudder to think what she must tell them about me

This is hilarious. My DM is exactly the same, and will actually go through with me at length how I am supposed to act and what I should say in order to seem normal whenever I do regular things for her like doing shopping, taking clothes back to a shop or picking up a prescription.

Once I said to her that I would probably just go with being me, and she actually thought about it for a moment and clearly rejected the idea that me being me was good enough, because she then went back to giving me her instructions for what I had to say in order to seem normal. If I had the time to think about it more I should probably be offended but I also have real life rubbish to deal with. 🤔🙄😂

That sounds really hard, to be married to someone you can’t fundamentally trust on an emotional level. He sounds rather dismissive about your concerns around him betraying your confidence.

You said earlier, “After I ever share anything personal with him I feel really disgusting and dirty for some reason.”

I’d say that feeling is mostly shame, with some fear mixed in. Not surprising when you were brought up to keep everything secret, and are married to a man who keeps nothing secret.

I think it’s quite common to feel like that if you feel you’ve overshared with someone you don’t really know well enough to trust emotionally. But it’s very sad to feel like that with your DH.

And I don’t think it’s normal/healthy for an adult man to tell his mother absolutely everything! If you have a row, does he tell her all about that too?

Really good on your DH (and that isn't something you see written often on Mumsnet!)

Too much secrecy causes paranoia and mental health issues.
That's what I heard and there's some mental health issues in my family so I was like ok,
I'm an open book from now 🤣
Honestly, don't sweat the small stuff and don't worry too much about people's feelings, you'll drive yourself crazy.

Hi OP,

Are you both from different cultures? I grew up in the Caribbean and its a very private culture, but probably not as private as to not disclose hairdressers.

Actually I’m in the minority but I agree with you. What can grandparents do in this situation anyway. It’s not necessarily being secretive but more a need to know basis. And why do they need to know anyway

It sounds as though you associate people knowing about something with them being malicious about it. Your DH associates it with care and support. The family dynamics sounds vastly different.

Absolutely not. We were in a similar situation with DS when he was 14. I made it clear that we were not discussing it with family. If DH had spoken to PIL about it I would have hit the roof. They discuss everything with their friends. Lots of people would have ended up knowing.

DS screwed up, and was punished at school and home, as were the other kids involved. There was nothing to be gained by telling grandparents and much to be lost by doing so.

So the husband isn't allowed what to choose to tell his own parents.

Would you be happy if he told you what you could discuss with your mother

Yes, agreed. They cannot help in any way, and a lot of harm can be caused. We got lots of good advice from school staff. It was probably not as serious as OP’s son’s case, but it would have still been a massive betrayal of DS if we’d told his grandparents.

Can you tell your husband that you feel you can’t talk to him becsuse he tells everything to mummy? I don’t expect my son to tell me stuff about his girlfriend why can’t he respect your privacy ? There is a middle line between not telling his mother anything and telling her other people’s private stuff

I'm gonna go middle here

Yabu in that, as its his child, you cant tell him what to do, obvs

But actually, I HATE someone that I can't trust. Like, why does everyone need to know what I am telling you??

As a man, can you not be strong and trustworthy? Just running to your parents every bloody minute 🤢🤢

Dunno, I am quite damaged so maybe hes what healthy looks like

But sometimes you just want to vent and bitched to your loved one, or share the most intimate parts of you, without worrying they're gonna tell all and sundry

Yanbu - I couldnt be married to such a man

What a mean thing to say. Its not weird just because you say it is

We usually agree on what we say to our parents, but if we disagree the default is not to say anything to them. We both have other very wise people we can talk to who don’t know our DC. If we really felt we needed someone outside the marriage we would talk things through with them, not with parents.