My husband tells his parents everything

[Shinyblackstone]

My husband is a great man, good husband, good around the house, great with the kids etc. He is very close to his siblings and parents which I honestly think is fab.

I get on fine with my family but we are not close. We grew up in a very private family where nobody could know our business and I was always stressed out trying to make sure that I didn't accidentally let something slip. My.mum was constantly telling me 'dont tell such-and-such this' and "if anybody asks, tell them xyz".

I never, ever ask my kids to keep secrets but at the start of our relationship would tell me husband what he could and couldnt tell anyone. He told me it stressed him out and so I stopped doing that because I realised that I was repeating a pattern of burden and putting it onto him.

However, I don't fully trust my husband and keep a lot to myself. Anything personal to me that I do not want to be repeated, I have to be very specific that he cannot tell anyone. I still have my doubts and just cannot be fully vulnerable with him unless I am really upset about something. Most of this is childhood trauma stuff.

Anyway I know that my mother in law tells everyone's business. I know all about my siblings-in-laws' lives, their kids, their problems, and as someone who was so guarded growing up, this is horrible.

Anyway recently, one of our older children (late primary) gor into very big trouble in school. It was very upsetting and while we supported the school and followed through on co sequences at home, I feel like i owe my child their privacy and that for their sake, I want this to be known by as few people as possible. It is not that I am ashamed. I'm not. But I value my child's right to be able to forget about it. It was a very sensitive issue and I just heard my husband on the phone to his mum giving him an update in a way which suggested that he has been keeping her updated.

On one hand, its his mum and he has a right to discuss his children with his family. On the other hand, its my child too and I value privacy and the right to not have everyone talking about you. I know far too much about my husband's nieces and nephews for example.

Is this me projecting my childhood or is my husband out of order for repeating every little thing back to a family who will share the news over dinner?

Aibu for feeling really uncomfortable with this? Am happy to be told that I am but dont want a big argument or to make things weird with him and his family.

And if your husband didn't feel the same way , what would happen then

And while I’m on, OP, concerning your DC, don’t despair. The HT told me he was sure DS would learn from it and never do it again. He is now 18 and the HT has told me several times how pleased he is with his attitude and general behaviour. It’s in the past, well and truly. There’s no reason why yours won’t learn from it and do well in future.

Ehh my dad is a bit of a gossip so I don’t tell him stuff unless I don’t mind my siblings knowing. Love him, but it’s a character flaw. He isn’t doing it to be malicious the man just loves to talk. My mum I will tell most things to, but I probably wouldn’t tell her if one of the kids got into trouble as she may well give them a telling off in an attempt to help, but it wouldn’t help. Sometimes my kids tell them (because they see them so often), but it’s their business to share at the end of the day if they wanna tell Nana and grandad they got time out at school they’re more than welcome to.

I think some of this is your up bringing, but given your MIL is a gossip I don’t necessarily think he needed to share this. I would say going forward if it’s about you or your kids he should ask before he shares, or at least tell you.

This is a great response OP to a frankly bizarrely mean and rude post.

Many, if not most, of us have been damaged in some ways, and we’re trying to heal and find ourselves and grow. Many of us are confused and conflicted at times. You’re not alone. Keep on doing what you’re doing, sounds like you’re doing a good job ✌🏻

I think it’s nice that he talks to his family but it doesn’t mean his mum should gossip about important stuff to other people.

As I said, the default is that we don’t tell parents if one of us doesn’t want them to know.

DH let FIL know about our infertility when FIL was asking when we’d have DC. We hadn’t discussed this and while I accept that DH was surprised and blurted it out he knew I was not pleased. I then had to deal with over two years of pity, disappointment, wholly irrelevant magazine articles being handed to me etc. I lost my privacy. There’s nothing I could do about that but there is no way i was going to put my DC through that. We have kept their DGPs on an information diet. When we’ve slipped up, and been bombarded with phone calls about a minor issue, we have remembered quickly why we usually tell them little.

Just posting to say I understand @Shinyblackstone

I grew up with a dad and to some extent a sister who were very similar to your mum. The sense that everything within our nuclear family was private and had to be kept that way was (and is) crippling. Telling anyone outside the family seemingly innocuous things was punished with silent treatment and shame. Conversely within the family, you weren’t allowed to hide anything, and talking about anyone behind their backs or telling mum something and not dad - was also seen as a betrayal, and got days, sometimes weeks of silent treatment from my dad.

I keep huge amounts (mostly stuff about my childhood) hidden from even my closest friends, and family, because the importance of privacy was just beaten (not literally) into me and I cannot shake the sense of shame at people knowing things.

My mum, still refuses to pass on requests or questions from us to my dad, even really minor things like, telling him we are coming to visit on certain days, because she can’t stand the idea of being accused of talking about him behind his back. She insists we tell him everything direct and at the same time.

My partner on the other hand comes from a family where everyone knows everyone’s business and everything is treated as gossip. Fortunately, she isn’t like this, so she can hold boundaries and keep some things between us.

If you’ll accept some unsolicited advice from a stranger in the same predicament. Find someone you can be honest with, ideally your husband, but if not him yet, then start with one very trustworthy private friend, and tell them some of the things you are keeping hidden. Being able to show one other human more of your whole self, and then seeing that the world doesn’t in fact end as a result, was so freeing for me.

Obviously it didn’t fix me, but it made see things more objectively and see that the insistence on privacy was insane and damaging, and something that was imposed on me, and it helped with the shame.

I dont think you are wrong if it’s to protect your son. General stuff like he won/ lost his football game , is tall/ short for his age etc is fine but I understand if something serious went on in school if you don’t want it being gossiped about cos you think it might hurt him.

Yanbu if this is sensitive for your child and MIL can’t be trusted to keep it to herself.

@Maray1967 As I said, the default is that we don’t tell parents if one of us doesn’t want them to know.
can just imagine the LTB if a mnetter posted “my dh won’t let me speak to my mum about concerns I have for our child”

Know about yes. Gossip about it no.

I meant if your husband didn't feel the same way about not saying anything as default. What if he didn't agree with hgat

Hi, upthread you’ve been called weird. I don’t think you are in the slightest.

You can’t trust your H to keep personal, private stuff…well private! Everyone has things they would prefer the world not know, especially a MIL who in turn cannot respect your or your H’s privacy & keep her mouth shut.

Being the listening ear of someone else’s struggles is a privilege, be it a son, daughter, a wider family member, the woman down the road, this is not your information to pass on. I cannot stand those that enjoy ‘paddling’ in another person’s troubles.

I don’t blame you at all about being selective with what you share, and as for your husband relaying all to his mother….you’ve got a bucket with a huge hole in it!

@Shinyblackstone its easier to just trust no one and be very selective with infomation

Of course yoûre not weird. We all have stuff from our childhoods. I had a lovely mum but was brought up to be worried what people might think. I realised in my thirties ish that it really didn’t matter ( when a friend was astonished that I cared) but for a long time it was just normal for me. 20 years later it still rears its head occasionally but I usually manage to shake it off 😉

My wife is much more secretive than me, not quite to your level but it’s tough, neither are necessarily wrong, we’re all just different. Fighting it doesn’t really help.

I always share stuff with (adult) family, and think it's good my partner can talk things out. TBH, I'd prefer that to him asking strangers online. It is normal and good to talk, and I hope my kids both feel comfortable to talk to me when they grow up. I do understand if your MIL tells everyone, you could have a problem with that, so both of you need to talk to her as a couple, and ask can she keep confidential, because if not, you won't be able to share things with your husband that he can then talk over with her.

Everyday news is fine, personal information is different. Tbf I talk to my sisters about everything, DH probably knows as we talk a lot but he’s never said anything. I’d be annoyed if he done it. 🫣

Exactly there’s a difference in gossiping about everyday stuff , just conversation ie your brother is thinking of moving , your sister got a new sofa in the sale etc and sharing private things told to you in confidence

Can you not just have a long conversation with your DH about what you consider to be “private” so you can both agree.

It’ll be exhausting if you have to discuss every single event to determine if it’s “private” or not.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind that my children getting in trouble at school would be private information. I’d need to discuss it outside the family to get parenting ideas!

Seems it’s been “decided” it’s her way or the highway..

Yep! That is really, really weird and not normal.

I think your children have a right to privacy and I would not tell their personal school business to anyone either.

Growing up, I remember a friend of the family telling my parents something fairly innocent that one of their (young) children did. That 'child' is now 40+ and to THIS DAY, my parents recount what this child did. Whenever her name is mentioned, they exclaim how she was always a wrong 'un.

My DH cannot keep anything to himself. I stopped telling him certain things as a result.

I voted yabu because I wouldn't like to be told what I could or couldn't tell my mum

I think some people are weird about the concept of “ secrets” and have difficulty understanding that just because you don’t want the world knowing something it doesn’t mean it’s a “secret” and shameful.