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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

468 replies

Welshie2 · 15/05/2026 15:01

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

OP posts:
StressedStudentPara · 20/05/2026 18:12

He’s a cunt of the highest order! Reminds me of my EX! I don’t believe he was with his friend at the weekend either, in fact I’d bet my house he was with her.

im sorry you’re going through this, but promise it does get better once you get rid of the lying snakes!

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2026 18:38

Any threats to self harm by him, call the police.

This. If it's a serious threat, they will take him where he can be kept safe and evaluated.

If it's not, it's for manipulation and he will be less likely to pull that again in the future.

It sounds like the shit has hit the fan at work today. Get done what you need to get done and be prepared to get out quickly if you need to. He's volatile and erratic and blaming you for his screw ups. Do not stick around for him to abuse you in any way. Get the kids out, do you have someone that can watch them through the evening? Have you checked the house for any drugs?

Be prepared for this to be a lot worse than a work flirtation.

MynameisnotJohn · 20/05/2026 18:40

Things to say:
I don’t trust you. That affects everything.
You don’t understand women.
Don’t blame me for the consequences of your actions.
If you choose excitement over stability you need to live with the consequences and accept I have choices too.

My ex actually enjoyed all the drama that resulted from me finding out about his work affair. It was exciting! Caused workplace grief but he was dizzy from all the attention. The secret meetings, the attention, the attention.

I accepted the role of nagging boring no-fun responsible mum and left him to it and I have won in the end. There were no sex chairs though. I don’t want to be treated like a goddess - just a partner, with respect. What a knob.

Original poster
Welshie2 · 20/05/2026 18:41

He says there has been a false allegation made against him and he’s been asked to stay off work until after the bank holiday whilst they assess what has been said. He has not been made aware who made this but said it obviously involves his direct report and that she has also been told to stay off. He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false. He won’t tell me what the allegation is, has said I don’t need to concern myself with it with everything else on my plate and that he will sort it.

I am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · 20/05/2026 18:43

I mean we all know it’s not a false allegation given the messages you’ve seen. What a twat

good on you for seeing through him but please be careful when you tell him. Perhaps have a friend on standby?

Latenightreader · 20/05/2026 18:46

Absolutely agree that he may threaten self harm. He will be desperate to get you hooked back in again as everything in his life is unravelling.

outerspacepotato · 20/05/2026 18:48

He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false.

True to form, now he's blaming someone else, another manager. There wouldn't be shit to stir if he had kept things professional with his coworkers.

Now's the finding out part of his FAFO.

Noobzz · 20/05/2026 18:48

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been there and empathise fully. I agree with the previous posts and they were right to think there was something more. He’s not telling you the full story for a reason. I was too quick to forgive my ex and regretted it but hindsight is a great thing. You are handling this so well and deffo tell him you want a divorce when you’re ready. It might not seem it now but it will 100% be for the best. He betrayed you and destroyed your trust and that alone is enough. It’s all on him and unfortunately you’ve got to deal with it but stay strong and don’t listen to any more of his bs.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 20/05/2026 18:56

Wow OP, I've just read both your threads, I can't believe how well you are handling this hurtful and ridiculous behaviour from him. You sound very calm, and he sounds like he's falling apart

ScupperedbytheSea · 20/05/2026 18:58

So just to recap, he manages her.
There were dodgy messages between them, and you saw ones about her wanting him to shag her on a meeting room table, and wearing no knickers to meet him.
He made a comment about her arse and her not needing more stamina.
He then started acting very strangely and ordered a kink chair so you could have a 'good shag'.
He disappeared for a crisis talk with a friend that he wouldn't name.
He's now been suspended from work but won't tell you what for.

Clearly they've been having sex in the office. It's been obvious to others, and they've quite rightly complained. Possibly she's gone nuclear too.

So sorry, what a mess for you. I'd get away this weeknd with the kids if at all possible and tell him about the divorce later. He could turn nasty.

Rhaidimiddim · 20/05/2026 19:03

Welshie2 · 20/05/2026 18:41

He says there has been a false allegation made against him and he’s been asked to stay off work until after the bank holiday whilst they assess what has been said. He has not been made aware who made this but said it obviously involves his direct report and that she has also been told to stay off. He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false. He won’t tell me what the allegation is, has said I don’t need to concern myself with it with everything else on my plate and that he will sort it.

I am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

Please confide in your family and tell them what you know thus far. You're going to need the hand-holding and the real-life support.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 20/05/2026 19:04

Welshie2 · 20/05/2026 18:41

He says there has been a false allegation made against him and he’s been asked to stay off work until after the bank holiday whilst they assess what has been said. He has not been made aware who made this but said it obviously involves his direct report and that she has also been told to stay off. He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false. He won’t tell me what the allegation is, has said I don’t need to concern myself with it with everything else on my plate and that he will sort it.

I am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

Nah, that’s all bullshit. If it was a false claim he’d be happy to share those details with you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

HyggeTygge · 20/05/2026 19:13

I'm genuinely not trying to make excuses at all, but this sounds very slightly like the behaviour of the husband that was sectioned? Is there really an investigation going on or is it paranoia? A pp mentioned similar behaviour in her bipolar DP.

Brokentoes85 · 20/05/2026 19:26

Just read your other post and all the updates. He's a disgusting, lying, cheating, vile pig.

He only values women for titillation, he's chatting up some "bimbo" who is below him in work and the way he thinks to sort this out is to shift the blame to her, blame you for looking at his phone, pretend he feels unwell and buy a sex chair.

What a charmer.

TeaCupTinsel · 20/05/2026 19:26

Welshie2 · 20/05/2026 18:41

He says there has been a false allegation made against him and he’s been asked to stay off work until after the bank holiday whilst they assess what has been said. He has not been made aware who made this but said it obviously involves his direct report and that she has also been told to stay off. He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false. He won’t tell me what the allegation is, has said I don’t need to concern myself with it with everything else on my plate and that he will sort it.

I am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

Well, he won't be able to 'prove it false' as it's true.
I'm so sorry this has happened but your plan is definitely for the best. Can you speak to a trusted friend or family member @Welshie2 so someone 'knows' that you are doing this tonight and can be on call if he turns nasty? Or is even sitting outside in there car ready to come in and support once it's done?

ilovebrie8 · 20/05/2026 19:33

He’s 100% been involved with her.
He was with her at the weekend not some mates having a crisis. That’s a lie for sure.
She has gone to HR I bet as he has tried to end it /backtrack..
He has been suspended.
Shit on his own doorstep.
You need to confide in someone for support.
This is all on him.

Horses7 · 20/05/2026 19:38

Welshie2 · 20/05/2026 18:41

He says there has been a false allegation made against him and he’s been asked to stay off work until after the bank holiday whilst they assess what has been said. He has not been made aware who made this but said it obviously involves his direct report and that she has also been told to stay off. He believes it was another manager who made the allegation and that they are shit stirring to further their own career/bring him down and he will prove it is false. He won’t tell me what the allegation is, has said I don’t need to concern myself with it with everything else on my plate and that he will sort it.

I am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

Good for you - I’m afraid he’s playing you like a dependable old fiddle - he obviously thinks you’re as thick as him…. you’re not btw.
You need to get tougher with him and he’s obviously in serious trouble at work - he’s risked dismissal already and for what? He’s really stupid.

Take advice from MNs more knowledgeable than me how to safeguard your future when you divorce. Also see a good solicitor.

tensmum1964 · 20/05/2026 19:42

HyggeTygge · 20/05/2026 19:13

I'm genuinely not trying to make excuses at all, but this sounds very slightly like the behaviour of the husband that was sectioned? Is there really an investigation going on or is it paranoia? A pp mentioned similar behaviour in her bipolar DP.

This doesn't sound at all like a mental health issue. For a start there is evidence of him in some sort of inappropriate relationship so no delusion there.. Secondly, everything he has said is not indicative of paranoia, hes looking to blame others in order to get himself off the hook. All of the dismissive and elusive behaviour towards OP is him trying to control her and the situation. As horrible as he is, hes as sane as the day is long.

CoralOP · 20/05/2026 19:52

Good luck OP, I do think he might go down the route of he needs you, everything else is falling apart etc but what he did was vile and I honestly think the aftermath has been even worse.
He has treated you horribly and deserves to lose you, his shag buddy and his job.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2026 19:58

i am going to tell him later that I want a divorce.

yay!! 🥳 good for you. Onwards to far far happier times than with this scum affecting your confidence.

NotAWurstToIt · 20/05/2026 20:02

He’s absolutely fucked if either someone has reported him and the OW, or she’s made a complaint because she is line managed by him. It’s very likely his workplace will view it as an imbalance of power and it will be gross misconduct.
Even if she says it was consensual, they won’t view it like that. If she’s said anything that indicates there was any degree of coercion they will fire him. It sounds like she’s pissed off with him, so who knows what she’ll say?

In a previous workplace a married (very senior) man had a fling with a single younger woman who was in his reporting line. It was found out and he was fired, even though she defended him.

I think it’s likely he will be fired - as PP have said he’s behaved appallingly to OP, but even if he was single, getting involved with someone at work who you manage is a very bad idea.

BeardySchnauzer · 20/05/2026 20:04

The other manager may have complained because other ‘juniors’ had complained of favouritism. Maybe she was getting better work or she was being allowed to slack off.

it doesn’t really matter if she defends him - most workplaces will have rules about relationships between people who report to the other

DinoDoughnut81 · 20/05/2026 20:05

Oh dear. I just saw this thread after the first one. It looks like the shit has hit the fan very fast.
Sounds like he's tried to cool off a full blown affair with a woman who reports to him and she has reported him. Or someone has noticed her being upset and knows about the affair and has reported him.
Mates crisis was bollocks, that would be OW in crisis.
I don't think he's on drugs or having a mental health crisis. He's just manic and freaking out because he has exploded his marriage and his job and his affair in one quick go. Total idiot.
You sound like you are staying strong and calm and that's good to hear. Onwards and upwards for you x

Bobcurlygirl · 20/05/2026 20:05

Well done for staying so calm. Get all your ducks in a row

MummyJ36 · 20/05/2026 20:13

Bloody hell each update just gets worse and worse.