Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

I’ve read both threads OP & I’m so sorry you’re facing this 💐 everyone saying the OW has reported him, well, the other angle is someone has seen something & reported them especially as they’ve both been suspended. Meeting with a friend? Nah that was meeting her to discuss damage control.

Been there, didn’t know, had all the gaslighting & lies, when I did find out he told me not to say anything as she was also married & set to inherit quite a lot from her ill husband…

At least you’re aware, get your ducks in a row, burn the chair. What an A hole to put you through this

Blimey, just read all your updates op.
Good on you for telling him you want a divorce! Agree with others to seek legal advice asap.

Lol at him thinking he will get redundancy money.

Fucking men thinking with their dick all the time. Also sick experiencing and hearing about managers who take advantage of their reports.

If they have accused him of indulging in sexual practices at work, they must have pretty good evidence.

I worked with a couple and she was filmed giving him a BJ in the car park and the pair was sacked. It wasn't even in work time : )

God, how awful for you, OP. It might feel like your whole world is falling apart right now, but it is going to be okay. You'll get a divorce and find a lovely place to be with your children, and he'll do... whatever he does. Hopefully involving financially supporting his children and trying to be a decent dad to them. You'll create a safe, loving home that he cannot ruin, and you'll find happiness. Just got to stay strong while this man falls apart in real time around you.

Oh, for sure. I have no sympathy. Turned out the manager (actually a director) I described had a bit of a reputation. He normally managed to stay one jump shead. This time there was too much evidence, not just of the sexual misconduct but also business misconduct. My suspicion is that he has had his reputation thoroughly tarnished in the industry. Unofficially of course but people talk to people.

In OP's shoes I would also be looking at getting an std check, her 'D'H may have played this game before. Though he will claim that the office temptress led him astray.

Regarding him saying they haven't given him the evidence, that's pretty normal. Where I work once someone has been told they are under investigation the employers first have to appoint an investigating manager (who can't be the manager who instigated the investigation as the commissioning manager), then the reason for the disciplinary action are sent in a letter to the employee.

The investigating manager then interviews all and any potential witnesses or people who may have relevant information e.g. OW, whoever reported the matter, anyone who may have seen the behaviours. They write a report and then the commissioning manager can decide whether the matter needs to be escalated. Then, and only then, can the details be given to the employee as until all the interviews are over they don't know what evidence may appear.

On a side note, I would find a Queening chair a total turn off!

Most normal people don’t have a magic money tree to be able to fund two homes on divorce. OP unless she is wealthy/has a great job that can fund a home and bringing up her child alone needs to be wise.

Assuming the family depend on two incomes currently I’d be, thru gritted teeth, be supporting the husband to get out of this employment cleanly and back straight away into employment. That way they both will be better off financially, and more importantly, will be better able to bring up their son.

He's, deservedly, going to be fired. So is “Bimbo”. BUT the two idiots need to be wise now as regards allegations as two jobs are on the line. A negotiated settlement will benefit the OP.

OP needs to separate upset/revenge/anger from the financial ramifications of the divorce/loss of employment. That’s, understably, very difficult to do. Still it’s what she must do, for herself and her boy. Calm heads.

Did his coworker tell HR as she will no doubt be sacked too?
Serves the pair of them right…
how stupid are people to do this at work!? He was her manager how did he think things would end taking that risk at work. Very, bad move.

You are doing the right thing divorcing him. His life is about to become a shit show and the last thing you deserve is to support him emotionally and financially from the fallout of his betrayal. The resentment you will feel if you try will overwhelm any feelings of love you may still have for him.

But you need to be clever about this. He is dealing with a lot and if you go all in, guns blazing, it could tip him over the edge. As PP have said, with divorce they may see you have a responsibility to help him financially if he’s a complete mess. He’s also still the father of your child, and whilst he is responsible for getting his life back on track to support his son, that should be your wish too.

With that in mind I would lay out a ‘plan’. He moves out for six months while you heal from the trauma and decide what you want. If that means he’s on benefits in a bedsit— so be it. You make it clear that right now you feel that divorce is the right option but you are willing to sit with it and let him get himself to a place where you both can make a rational decision that is best for everyone. In that six months you get him to agree to what a fair divorce looks like considering the circumstances of him imploding your lives.

Then after six months you can have a conversation based on how you are both feeling on whether to give your relationship another go. Whether or not you would ever consider taking him back, the hope could allow him to rebuild his life enough that he can be there for his son and financially support himself.

Without him in the house you will be able to see what a future without him looks like and prove to yourself that you’ve got this. You don’t need to punish him as the universe has done that for him. You can keep your head held high and put you and your child first.

Also with the B coin he will have a record of selling it so make sure you see that as it will form part of your joint assets. Don’t just take his word for it.

Please don't fall for any suicide threats either "If you leave /divorce me" It's trying 'to keep you in your place'.
My exh pulled this nonsense. I told him I was divorcing him regardless and that was his choice if that's what he wanted to do.
He was 'so heart broken' he moved in with a single mother within 3 weeks, then proceeded to financially fleece her before dumping.
She contacted me to say he'd met "Some old slag at the pub and has moved in with her."

If he gets fired and sees his circumstances changing, don't fall for his pleas of undying love.

It will be about himself, as are any tears.

He's a cockroach, all about his own survival.

OP needs to separate upset/revenge/anger from the financial ramifications of the divorce/loss of employment. That’s, understably, very difficult to do. Still it’s what she must do, for herself and her boy. Calm heads.

Yes absolutely. Although he may seem stupid, assuming he loses his job, if he chooses to then remain unemployed (for now) that would put him in an advantageous position in any financial arrangements.
We do not know how much OP earns or their relative earning capacities do we? At the very least, she runs a risk of having to pay spousal maintenance. If he manages to be unemployed at the time the divorce is decided that confers him a financial advantage.
OP can separate from him, or even give an outward appearance of being undecided, but she should avoid being proactive on the actual divorce finances until he is financially secure again.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I hope your transition to a better life is as smooth as possible 💐

OP, I am so sorry all this is happening to you. Truly I am, because this near identical scenario happened to me too. It completely threw a grenade into everything I thought I knew, and almost destroyed me in the process.
You might be surprised to hear we’re still together. That’s only because after the defensiveness & lies etc were out in the open, he agreed to go to therapy and finally started being honest.
I Always said I’d never give him a second chance, and I wouldn’t have done if he hadn’t proved to me he would do anything it took to win his trust back. It’s been 5 years now and he’s like a different person. If your husband is minimising, refusing to do ANYTHING it takes to get you back (including leaving his job etc), he doesn’t want you badly enough. You call the shots now. You need to tell him exactly what YOU want.

I understand the posters saying to stay in case he gets fired and help him through for the sake of the child but honestly, fuck that. Totally fuck that! Why should she stay for 6 months or however long, knowing what a prick of a husband he’s been, fuck him and get out

I think his only hope of retaining any sort of package is they will want to sweep this uder the carpet and not advertise what has happened either to the rest of the company or to the outside world - it is not a good look when senior staff get themselves into this sort of trouble. So he may get a small pay out just to go quietly...
I think you are doing the right thing in considering leaving, good luck OP he sounds horrible.

I’d second @PurpleReindeer2’s suggestion.

In a perfect world:
Ducks in row.
Ensure you are ok financially without him -
if you can live without his financial support, say you’ll try said sex chair but handcuff him to the damn thing, then as a parting gift, email his workplace anonymously and impart the knowledge that he is having a relationship with a subordinate colleague, that she instigated. Fuck them both.

Then move onwards and upwards from the spunkknuckle!

Events appear to have overtaken this advice though!

I'm to scared to Google it. Lol

I googled it, don't do it.. It's fucking disgusting!

Yes I realised too late things have galloped on.

Well done to OP for holding the line!

So someone reported him for having sex with this woman at work? Presumably that’s not just come from nowhere and is very unlikely to be from a colleague furthering their own career and untrue - that would be an evil thing to do when it’s not just his job but his marriage too that he will lose from that false allegation

I've been wondering this, too. I mean his delusions are so extreme, including his assumptions about a big payout from work.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-and-sex.aspx

There'll be no "have to" if the OP decides not to stay.

As for a negotiated severance OP shouldn't hold her breath. He'll be lucky if he gets more than a basic reference. What on earth was this man thinking (probably wasn't thinking at all).

So far @Welshie2 husband has blamed everybody else involved, played the victim, invented conspiracies....
He will never take responsibility for the mess he created.