Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

So, you caught him, he ditched her, she’s reported him at work as a result? Oh shit.
He has played the stupid game and he’s about to win the stupid prize. And yes, if he gets fired for misconduct he absolutely won’t receive a payout?
Sort your finances asap and get away from this twat. He’s about to lose everything and you need to do everything you can to prevent him taking you down with him.
What a moron, has he never heard the phrase “don’t shit where you eat”??

At the disciplinary hearing, maybe he can bring his tiny chair to sit on? At least then it would have some use.

It would be better for the OP if her husband doesn’t lose his job. He certainly deserves to lose it of course. They’ll have to rely on her income and their savings if he’s fired with no notice and no redundancy.

OP needs full disclosure on everything. Right now he is likely to be more honest in an effort to save his marriage, OP should use his panicked state to find out exactly what happened at work and get info on all assets. She should transfer all monies into a single account. When he finds out she can tell him that she panicked as he’d been so deceitful about “bimbo”. I’d also use this as an opportunity for him to give her full access to his phone and emails.

If the union rep is any good the husband might get a negotiated settlement to leave quietly. That puts him in a better position financially, which will help the OP, in addition he needs to actively seek a new job so it looks like he’s just leaving a job rather than being fired. This way he’ll be able to financially supportive for the divorce. Otherwise the OP will have all the financial strain on her.

Get that divorce moving, OP. He sounds like an absolute arse.

if he’s not done anything illegal the company will probably give him some ££ to leave quietly. It’s what ours does. They’d rather that even with useless employees or ones who broke company rules than have a protracted long goodbye where bad behaviour comes to light.

& slunk off to hide at the gym…all the signs of a man who is transparent

Definitely get legal advice ASAP.

I would want to know whether if you file now, before he gets sacked, whether that benefits you financially. I’m worried he will claim he needs spousal maintenance due to not working and mental heath (both things are likely to be true).

He will not be fair. He will fight for more than he deserves because he is an entitled twat.

They’ll have to rely on her income and their savings if he’s fired with no notice and no redundancy.

Eh, what? She's divorcing him. Her income is hers and half the savings is hers. He'll have to go on benefits like anyone else unemployed once his share of the savings runs out, if he still hasn't got another job by then. She doesn't have to support him through this in any way.

Sooner the house (that he won't be able to pay half the mortgage on if he's skint) is sold, the sooner OP can get on with her life without him. Unless she gets him to move out and she keeps the house, if she can pay the mortgage alone and buy his share if that's necessary.

I’m worried he will claim he needs spousal maintenance due to not working and mental heath (both things are likely to be true).

They're also self-inflicted. Hardly anything to do with OP is it. Can't see a court going for that, myself.

The courts aren’t going to look at his behaviour though. They will look at what they are presented with at the time.

it’s in OPs interests to get him back into employment. If he spirals it’s just going to make everything harder

God, what a horrible twist in an already horrible situation, OP. It sounds to me like he panicked over you finding the messages and told the OW that it's over and he wants to save his marriage, and possibly told her that she needs to move to another department, as though it's all her fault. She's either retaliated by telling management they've had sex at work, possibly making it sound like he abused his position as her boss to seduce her, or a friend has done it for her.

But however his side of things have unravelled, thank god you're already in the mindset of wanting to divorce him. It will make the coming weeks and months easier to bear.

I hope all the people who criticised you for looking at his phone are eating their words now.

I'm so sorry. The best that can be said is that it's definitive and you are well rid of him.

Did he really meet his friend the other night? No he’s met up with OW, they’ve had a fight and now it’s all gone off.
An affair at work is common - and truly awful.
But having sex on company premises when you know the consequences is next level.
As he’s senior and older than this young woman it looks far worse for him.
Not saying she’s not responsible as well, but he’s in a position of authority.
Even if he has a Union rep they can only do so much - there is probably a raft of evidence.

He had her down as a Bimbo, lied to you that he wasn't her manager. Didn't shut down the jokes about sex at work (now we know why), when you found out, he was going to fail her probationary period, to just get rid of her. He's an absolute rat, she's fucked up, but at least she has the excuse of being young. I thought the days of the boss shagging the pretty, new, thing and then sacking her, were gone. He's always been shady and not fully committed. Sitting on his face every night isn't going to change that. I'd be talking it over within the family. This has got to be the end.
I hope everyone who criticised you for looking at his phone is keeping up, these threads never end innocently, we know when something is amiss.

In my last company, when something like this happened, the manager was offered the choice of resigning with immediate effect or facing a gross misconduct disciplinary investigation. He chose the former. 8 years on his career has still not recovered.

@Imdunfer it really does your head in, when it's claimed that snooping is as bad as inappropriate messages (which rarely end there). We know when something is off with our partners.

So the mate in crisis was obviously OW. He probably ‘gave her one’ to keep her happy and made more false promises and she had enough

@GnomeDePlume he was actually going to fail her probationary period to get rid of her. If she has proof, she might not let it go away. She might not be the first or only.

This is really good advice OP. Once you can spot the signs (and the first one for me was his reaction to you finding those messages on his phone - there have been many since…) you’ll be well armed to deal with them. They will try every tactic in the book, insincere apologies and begging, gaslighting you and making you believe it is your fault somehow, threatening self harm or worse, putting on a display of being charming and behaving like the perfect husband so you think they have changed etc.
The best way to deal with every single one of these is ‘grey rock’ - cold, distant, give him zero reaction if you can manage it. But you need to get out of that house as quick as is practicable

“False allegations” my ass. It sounds like he’s been caught by you and caught at work, possibly even this woman reporting him because she got mad he cut her off. Good you know and can move forward sorting out the divorce. I’m sorry, what an absolute piece of 💩.

MumsNetters love to criticise 'snoopers' but I had to know WTF was happening in my own life and, like the OP here, I instantly had a window in and was able to take action to protect myself because nobody else was going to, nobody on here and especially not the DP that professed to love me!!

Given their messages, and then him suddenly telling her they need to stop… she’s probably made a complaint to someone or been moaning to someone who has then gone and made a complaint. It does sound like they might have been having sex at the office and now she has told someone because he ended it. Or she has made that part up out of spite; but I don’t think you’ll ever know.
They could have had sex at the office, or that part could be made up. But if they’ve got the messages from her as part of the complaint/investigations then he could find himself out for gross misconduct.

This isn’t redundancy. This would be getting fired. He won’t get a redundant packet. He could have a protected conversation and discuss a pay out to leave quietly but if this amounts to gross misconduct then they can get rid without it costing them anything.

>>> engaging in sexual activity on the company premises on multiple occasions and not complying with the company conflict of interest policy and reporting that he has a conflict of interests. <<<

On the former, presumably that means two (or more) people involved and the kind of accusation that would likely have evidence. On the latter, that's likely to be a quite objective test.
Both really serious.

... and it's an even tougher labour market now, so harder to rebuild a career.
Still, for most people that choice was probably the right one if the evidence was strong.