Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Yep, this. Why hasn't he told you in full what has happened if he is so committed to saving your marriage? This story has more holes in it than a string vest. I really don't think I could trust him ever again and would have to end the relationship.

I googled 'queening chair' and this came up:
"A queening chair (or queening stool) is a piece of BDSM and fetish furniture designed to facilitate face-sitting and oral sex. It typically features an elevated seat and an adjustable head sling, allowing a "submissive" to lie comfortably beneath you while their face is positioned perfectly to serve you."

Exceptionally bad idea when there is a live investigation!

I wouldn’t care. He’s not telling her anything so I’d want to know.

Thats what i was thinking

He thinks he's got away scott free with cheating. In his head, that means no more boundaries for him, because you've allowed him to trample over them all. This person is who he REALLY is. This is how he is freely choosing to behave when he thinks there are no consequences. It's quite scary. Be careful OP.

But her priority should be what’s best for her financially in a divorce.

So better not to get involved and let him deal with it with his union.

Have sex at the office, get reported to hr fo gross misconduct. Thats how the cookie crumbles, and he’s lying about everything. You are doing well op.

@Welshie2

A PP above suggested it and I agree 100%. If there are any joint accounts or other joint assets (investments etc) you need to remove exactly half of it into an account in your sole name. Do not spend any assets you transfer, let them sit there as they are likely marital assets. There is no telling what may arise from this investigation and although I wouldn't think there would be any type of monetary 'issue' (except something with the B money if it was obtained in a shady way) it's best to have your half of joint assets neatly tucked away where they cannot be touched.

As far as what happens with the complaint, if you are seriously contemplating divorce, let that go and he can deal with it. Unless you think it's something you really want to know about. The issue of 'having sex multiple times in the office' sort of tells you all you need to know about this affair that he's been denying all along. He willingly embarked on this workplace affair, so let him take his punishment on his own.

Oh, and go see a solicitor, pronto!!

What a rollercoaster for you in the last few days OP. At least he's stopped going on about the sex chair or whatever it was (hopefully).

I'm sure he won't be honest but it were me I'd tell him it's been one bomb after another the past few days so you want to hear the rest of it now to get it over with rather than dragging it out and finding out later anyway.

He will definitely threaten to harm himself shortly I would imagine, please do what's been advised and call the police instead. He is not your problem.

I hope you are ok ❤️

Eewwwww, what?! You can do whatever you want to him????

There's no way he's inviting you to punish him sexually unless that's exactly what he wants you to do! It wouldn't be any kind of real punishment, he'd get off on it! Especially with the "not so random" chair he bought for himself for you. He's into BDSM. And what better time to introduce that into your marriage than at the point you've been caught cheating, are about to lose your job and your life is imploding?!? He probably doesn't even know how to give good oral sex anyway, most men don't. He's on another planet isn't he. What a nasty POS.

I hope you manage to divorce him without too much hassle.

I have read both these threads and while I do feel awful for you, maybe hang on to this - in the distant future, when you retell this story, him ordering the sex chair is going to be the funniest anecdote you could ever hear. You will bring crowds of people to their knees with laughter as you tell it. No one will ever be able to top it 🪑

What a total scumbag. Hope you are OK op.

A likely scenario, and one that fits the timeline, is that he’s ended the affair because you’ve got wind of it. She has got the hump because she’s been dumped and gone to the senior manager to raise a complaint about harassment/bullying, and the senior manager (correctly) has reported it to HR.

Yep absolutely

No excuse at all but I wonder if he has developed bipolar - I have a friend whose husband went completely overboard with a sort of mania around BDSM with this. She got away thank goodness. He crashed and burned and crashed and burned. He did eventually get a diagnosis, medication and therapy and lives alone still years later. The whole thing was a disaster for him.

When mine tried to argue his way out of his absolutely fucking obvious work affair the only two things I said that made him stop and think were: ‘Do you think you married a stupid woman?’ And. ‘I accept it’s over. You two can be together properly now’.
Both of those had him absolutely floundering. They didn’t fit the stupid plan in his head to carry on fooling everyone and keep the marriage and the affair.
Yes he threatened self harm. Was mooning about and trying to get me to panic about him while I was panicking about the end of my marriage and running around after the children.
OP. He will turn. When he realises you mean it. He’s not on your side.

You are clearly a very strong woman and he is clearly a very stupid man. But looks like karma is on your side!

You have been through so much in such a short amount of time, you must be absolutely reeling.

He is a deluded, gas lighting twerp whose priorities are totally misguided.

As a previous poster said, get yourself to the solicitor. Sending you continued strength, you sound awesome. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you OP. Stay strong 😔

There will be more knowledgeable people with the law than me . However is it worth seeing a lawyer - asap. If he loses his job and is unemployed for a while he may be able to claim he is the main parent?

It’s probably that she’s spoken to someone who’s reported it to their manager, they’ve been left no choice but to report it. He’s probably been messaging using the company chat services too, in which case they’ll present the entire exchange as evidence,

Interesting he was initially referring to her as a Bimbo who wouldn’t know how to make his life difficult. He supposedly messages her to tell her to calm things, and suddenly he’s suspended.

Also wild he thinks he’d be paid redundancy for gross misconduct. Oh to have half the confidence of an average male.

It’s all escalated very quickly since your last thread but as others have said I suspect the person he was messaging/probably having an affair with has gone up HR.
She will have saved messages/have evidence of sexual contact in the work place.
Your husband won’t be made redundant if there is evidence he will be sacked for gross misconduct.
There is no way he is just a victim in all of this, sending you a big hug.

I am so sorry OP, you are right to go for a divorce. It was clear from the beginning that he was shagging her, now he’s called it off and things have got messy. What an absolute moron he is.

As others have said, prepare yourself for the suicide threats, that’s classic behaviour.

OP, start researching narcissistic behaviour. If he fits the bill you are in for a really rough ride. You will need to educate yourself.

The fact that he’s trying to blame you for stringing it out and that it’s impacting his mental health, when he’d have known re the disciplinary, rings alarm bells. Not to mention the initial thread.

If he’s is a narcissist you will need to get expert at noticing his patterns of behaviour and the manipulation. Once he knows you have seen behind the mask and aren’t falling for his manipulation he will get nasty.

Read or watch Dr Ramani.