Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Yes this. Other people need to know to be able to try and help him. It’s not on you OP.

What the fuck is he talking about redundancy for, he isn't going to be made redundant, he's getting fired, you don't get paid to be fired! He's pretty thick isn't he?

OP I just want you to know as a stranger I am thinking of you and I hope you come through this. I think it's easy when you are angry but then it falls apart when sadness hits but that's the point where you dig deep and just try and get through, do not give in though, he'll be getting his sex chair out to celebrate if he thinks he has a chance to get back together 🤢.
Good luck with it all, it's not easy but you'll get through.

Yep that will be the next thing, that if he does himself in it will be your fault for not supporting him.

She definitely dropped him in it when he broke off their affair. She probably got spun, and believed, the old line of "I will definitely leave when the kids are older" or similar only for him to drop her like a hot stone as soon as his cushy home life was threatened. She knows her days are numbered as he has all that on her, so she is taking him down with her. Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.

Dismissal for gross misconduct is without notice pay. However I’ve seen a few get notice pay but for a one off incident rather than a serious breach of trust like this. So in this scenario I’d be dismissing assuming company have evidence.

Always surprises me how little people know about employment rights and especially that redundancy is one lane and has nothing to do with conduct/performance (if it did it’s an unfair dismissal).

Anyway if this woman admits to engaging in sexual activity in the workplace she could also get disciplined, and maybe dismissed assuming she says she consented. It’s not a case I’d like to be managing.

So sorry this has happened to you OP. His world is truly imploding and all by his own hand.

If they had suspicions about his behaviour then they may have made him an offer to leave. They would be unlikely to offer redundancy in that instance because, if they need to replace him, it’s tricker to put someone into the same role (the point of redundancy being the role is no longer required).
However, they are investigating a serious complaint about sexual behaviour in the workplace - the likeliest outcome is they’ll fire him. The only way he may get any payout is if they can’t prove anything and want him out, they may offer a settlement to get him out the door, but it sounds unlikely here.

Did the OW not know he was married??

@Welshie2 this is so horribly stressful. Was he always good before this?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. Stay strong-divorce is not an easy process but life will be so much better once it’s finalized. Please don’t keep his secrets for him-this is his shame to bear and people who know him deserve to know how he’s totally screwed up his life

Redundancy is when a business closes or there’s a diminished need for work of a particular kind (or less people needed to do the same work etc).

As others have said, completely irrelevant.

He is being accused of gross misconduct. It’s a potentially fair reason for dismissal assuming Burchell tests, ACAS code etc all complied with.

In practice that means following investigation if there’s a potential case to answer he’ll be called into a disciplinary meeting with the outcome being likely dismissal.

His final wage will comprise wages to date of effective termination and any holiday pay owed to that date, that’s it. He’s then got the headache of potential sanction if he claims benefits and/or how to explain gross misconduct and no reference to next employer.

He shouldn’t put too much faith in TU rep either. They can accompany to meetings etc but a lot of reps are chocolate teapots and even in good cases, where prospects of success at tribunal reasonable funnily enough they later down the line don’t want to know.

His mess OP. I’m just really sorry you’re going through it too.

"His world is truly imploding and all by his own hand".

More accurately, all by his own dick ...

Not only would there be no payout, if it’s found to be gross misconduct that’s usually dismissal with immediate effect and no notice pay.

Its kind of nice to sit back and watch some asshole realise that....WHO KNEW?! Actions have consequences!

Except it isnt because it isnt just him experiencing them.

So for that reason @Welshie2 I would strongly suggest you engage a shit hot lawyer ASAP. Because when reality hits, Mr Victim will morph into Mr Bastard and will screw you and the kids over in any way he can just so he can prove to himself that he hasnt lost everything.

I was the HR rep on a dismissal of a (female) CEO who it turned out was living with one of her subordinates. It came out when they were seen on CCTV shagging on the bonnet of a car in the work car park one night. This was a highly public organisation and she was very well known. She was dismissed for the conflict of interest (managing someone she was in a relationship with and failing to declare that in line with policy) and for the act which had a high risk of bringing the organisation into disrepute.

Her partner got sacked for the same reasons.

Well, this one is about to be an absolute cluster. Stay as far away as possible to shield yourself from the blast zone OP, because it’s going to be seismic.

I know it’s early days, but you’re doing great so far. While he’s being contrite and panicky, it might be a good time to get him to tell you the whole truth (just so you have it, but he doesn’t need to know it’s too late) and also to provide proof of the b*tcoin sale, his days of blithely telling you not to worry your pretty little head about that kind of thing are OVER

Wow it has all blown up quickly 🤯

When he said he might be off sick he knew then what was coming. HR haven’t alleged these things without proof.

No redundancy - no money past his dismissal.

Don’t believe what he says about finances. If he’s being contrite say you need complete financial disclose to see how you’ll get through this and then copy what information you get.

It’s all about damage limitation now. Good luck.

Is he genuinely having a breakdown? Manic? Personality disorder?

His behaviour is beyond gross and stupid.

I would want him to check in with his GP.

Your story reads like a nightmare, so sorry @Welshie2 that he's dragged you into it. I don't think I'll ever forget he thinks a sex chair was the answer to all your problems. Wowzer.

As much as this is horrible for you now, your life will be better without this lying man who has no respect for you. Certainly more calm. Wish you all the strength and good wishes going forward. Live your life well.

What a staggering coincidence that the minute he breaks off his affair with this woman the allegations begin…

I was about to say the same. Don't be drawn back in. His parents, friends & doctor can support him. Don't let him use it as a manipulation tactic to stop you leaving. Go to your parents with your child ASAP. Get some distance from him imploding through his own egotistical selfishness. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

Can you access his phone during the night? Check all the folders on his phone even ones with totally irrelevant labels.

My DH does some trading type stuff and showed me which folder it’s in so I know where to look if anything happened to him. There must be some apps somewhere. I’ll ask him if I can look again to try and remember some of the names.

If you have any money in joint bank accounts transfer it to your own accounts now. I'm not talking about stealing anything. Be open and honest and comply with whatever is agreed with in the divorce, but you know that if he has a chance to transfer that money you will never see a penny of it again no matter what a divorce court decides.

exactly. I’m wondering the same.

prior to the HR issue, I was going to suggest he has a confidential meeting with them in regard to the awkward position he has found himself in. However with this latest development, I’m wondering if there is more to his work place after than just the messages.

I wouldn’t trust anything he has to say.

I hope you realise when so many posters called it.

He is lying scum who is up to his neck in work with his lies and bullshit.

He is cheating scum.
He thinks he is sp clever, when he clearly is thick as mud, hence so many posters calling it.

I wouldn't share a cup with him.
I'd get tested and tell EVERYONE the truth.
Clear out any bank account you can, while you can.

Sort it out later.
I wouldn't trust him an inch.

I’d contact the woman he was messaging and ask her what’s happening. I’d want to know and it looks like an office affair that’s went wrong!

OMG! Commented on your last thread. It’s all unravelling pretty fast. I’m so sorry 💐

Quite a coincidence his behaviour was reported to HR just after you confronted him about the messages. Wonder if he broke it off with his line report and she reported him in revenge.

He’s either daft or thinks you are. Of course he won’t be made redundant for sexual contact with a line report in the office. He’ll be sacked!

Suggest you seek legal advice from a good local family law solicitor asap. You need advice on what your options are under a divorce settlement if he’s at risk of being unemployed, having been sacked and unable to get another job due to such a poor reference. Suggest you put in a UC claim in the interim. It’s a minimum 5 week wait until you get it. And apply to the council for social housing.

Still can’t believe his response was the sex chair. Sounds like a manic sex pest.