AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I feel so bad for your friend its clear that she has some underlying issues she could be struggling with her mental health, she obviously needs help and support, to be a real friend to her if I was in your shoes I would talk to her directly in the kindest way possible, do not tell your other friends or spread it about like gossip it sounds like that is the last thing she needs. She obviously likes you she invited you into her home and right now she needs help understanding and support not gossip and people whispering about her that is not what friends do if you help her see the problem now it might help her get things together a bit before bringing others and making things worse.

It is not me, but could well be. I don't have pets though but I live in filth and mess. Piles of stuff everywhere.
I have ADHD and really struggle with executive function. Cleaning and tidying is something I simply can not do. I know people will judge me and think I am lazy. I am not lazy. I have a disability that makes these things really hard to do.
Social services wont care. Paramedics put in a referral when they were in my house last year. That was 8 months ago and I never heard anything.
The poster who said to ghost your friend can fuck off. My friends dont care about the state of my house.
She might well be ND like me and struggle with the basic stuff.

My Son had a ‘sport club’ friend who lived in a house like this - total chaos and it was like walking into an episode of hoarders from hell when I went to collect him. I never went in the bathroom. I felt sick when I went into the kitchen - but did ‘survive’ the cup of tea mum made for me. I feel for you OP. Sons friend was absolutely lovely. Parents were loving, but creative .. and saw housework as a total waste of time. I was conflicted as I didn’t want to appear too judgemental and my son and his friend really enjoyed each other’s company.

Surely your friend must smell? Even if she washes daily, her clothes must smell??

Your posts are actually concerning me. Your mate is living in filth and so are her animals-and you're posting on mumsnet. How do you think those animals are faring in that stink pit? I get it. People struggle but she's living in filth with pets and all you seem to be concerned about is how your other mate will react

If this was a mate of mine - I would say something. Keep your mutual friend away from her house. Do not humiliate your friend like this. On any level. Do not do this

You don't know what someone's last straw moment might be if someone wades in where it isn't wanted. Just stop this. Tell her she's stinking and offer to help or stay away from her house

You need to call Aggie asap.

And for the people who are saying people are just lazy. I had a friend who had a friend was in a long term relationship. He cheated and left. She fell to pieces. She still worked but her house was filthy. My mate and a team of pals helped her to clean her house. It took them twelve hours - people can struggle for lots of reasons

This. Why are you going back? I couldn't.

But I have now read your other posts.
Say nothing to your other friend. But you may be stuck i. The middle of she does say something.

I struggle being tidy but toilets etc clean and could not ignore shit. So I'm not judging your friend but I couldn't cope with the smell it would trigger asthma.

If you're a good friend, you should try to help her (by being straight with her) and not allow her to be further humiliated by inviting people over like nothing is wrong.

I didn't assume prior engagement with services, I thought probably a teacher or social etc where it might affect her job.

💁🏻‍♀️

@SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog

I don't think getting involved with cleaning it will help. It'll take you a LOT of time & effort and as she doesn't have a problem with it, your efforts would very quickly be undone!

Have you ever watched 'Hoarders Buried Alive' ? They mostly don't want to let people in their homes. Some present as immaculate, in professional jobs. Even when they're toileting in a bucket at home! It's unusual your friend wanted to show you yet another part of the house. She needs professional help to deal with the trauma that has led her to live like this & then professional help to de hoard & clean.

i would stop visiting her at her home, and after a few meetings at cafes/parks/yours I would talk to her about getting that help. I'd offer to support her finding someone & being there when they come if she wanted that.

WRT mutual friend, I would talk to her on the way & say you are worried about your other friend & tell her what your plan to help is.

let us know how you get on 🌷

You are not a friend on any level if you could consider taking another friend into that mess. Just leave her alone. And you know she's got animals living in that filth and you've said zero. More concerned about making a visit so you she doesn't think you are judging her

Either tell her she can't go on like this or step away. If you say nothing you are doing her zero favours

And it is obvious that she's had some kind of trauma in her life that has led to this - because when I went through some really horrible trauma around 6 years ago my pets were well cared for but I was barely functioning. People do not live like this unless something is really wrong - keep your pal away from her house. This is not a freak show for peoples entertainment. The fact you could even consider taking someone into that filth shows you really don't have any insight into how your friend will feel if she's confronted - either try and help her or leave her be.

the time I posted about was the first time I saw it - first impressions which is what mutual friend will see.
I’ve been back a few times since then but only drop ins where I’ve taken her things when she was ill and one time in summer where we sat in the garden.

OP your posts are strange. You say you posted about the first time you saw the house but you posted today. You've mentioned going there in the summer so the first visit must have been a while ago and you make no mention you've been since then and it was the same.

I'm struggling to believe your posts now.

TBH I know a couple of posh people who live a little bit like this - though it is hard to tell from your description how bad it really is. I mean Coke cans and wrappers are actually not that big a deal, albeit unsightly, pet hair can be de rigeur in some farmy sorts of homes and I actually can't envisage how it would really get to an inch thick, and was the "shit on the toilet seat" lots smeared everywhere or a small oversight? The kitty litter and poo on floor sounds horrendous I admit ... but then lots of cat types seem not to notice kitty litter smell.

I think it probably comes of growing up in huge rambling old homes that once had staff to manage them and now they can barely afford a cleaner. I think they get kind of innured to the mess ...

What are you on about??

the woman invited them both! It's not up to the OP to decide who can visit the other friend!

I do think she needs to get the woman help, but she's asking for advice how to best do that, so stop accusing her of not being a friend.

Report it to the RSPCA. Animals deserve a clean and safe environment to live in too. Those animals are innocent and don't deserve to live in filth. They don't like it anymore than people.

And the OP replied ‘funny you should say that…’

And get a sheep dip

Sorry

Absolutely warn your other friend - you owe her that. I'd be furious if you didn't warn me.
As for your struggling friend, you aren't helping by saying nothing. I would be telling her I would like to meet her in the community from now on, and being clear as to why.
I'd also be making an anonymous call to the Rspca, to ask for a check on the welfare of her animals.

Maybe you should bother to read the whole thread before yelling in all caps about other people's reading comprehension?

OP first said "Without giving too much away, reporting her to adult SS would likely have far more implications than normal in this case," and then, in reply to the poster you are referring to, whose friend was a SW, quoted that and said "funny you should say that..."

i.e. more than a subtle hint that OP's friend is also a SW or in a very similar role.

By "piles of rubbish" everywhere, do you mean like piles of old baked bean cans and used tissues, or piles of things that were clean but just not put away, like books and papers?

She is posh. She doesn't know how to keep house without staff.

F

Again She hasn’t said she is a social worker

I would tell the friend who is visiting that it is bad. I don't think that is gossiping or whatever, this is a really unusual situation. After that, I would let it take its course. The friend whose house is a mess - I'd let her get on with it. I find it sad as like you, I am not particularly house proud, but there are basic standards of self care/cleanliness and this house does not reach that standard so I wouldn't worry too much about offending anyone (and I say that as someone who is NOT house proud).