AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

This way of living is not normal and is not healthy for her, or the animals. If, as you allude to, she holds a position whereby she is responsible for the wellbeing of others in any capacity, I would find it impossible to let slide because you are consequently allowing her to harm not only her own wellbeing but potentially that of others. if she’s unable to recognise the reality of her own situation, how can she be doing it for anyone else?
You have an opportunity now, via your ‘straight talking’ friend to actually get involved. Would you consider it?

Have you tried suggesting to her that she gets a cleaner?

I don’t think they would come - animal
faeces 🤢

I wouldn’t go back. And I would report her - that level of urgh surely isn’t fair on the animals.
I think in circs like this you need to put her needs and the pets needs above any concerns you have about the s#&tstorm reporting may cause.

Do you drink the ☕️ she makes you?

In a class of 12 we had two mum's like this.

One was a hoarder with piles of newspapers piled up four feet high in the length of the hallway. She cooked for a family of four on a baby belling in a kitchen that was indescribably filthy. The breakfast room table was smothered in papers and books god knows where they ate. The husband was seriously creepy.

The other mum a TA at the school similar set up except they had pets. In the little boys room were gerbils that had died because she'd forgotten about water and food for a few weeks. My SIX year old came home shell shocked saying they'd never go back for a playdate.

@SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog
I suspected she was a social worker!

Are you a SW as well? She has the right to self neglect if she has capacity which given her job, I would hope so. Maybe she’s massively overwhelmed and all her energy goes into her job which isn’t unusual but that’s fairly extreme.

The animals are a concern. If they’re shitting in the house, are they having adequate exercise, health needs met etc? Are they groomed or matted?
If it’s a case of well looked after in a filthy house then the RSPCA won’t touch it either as their thresholds are high.

I find myself thinking, ‘she must know how bad it is’ but maybe she really doesn’t which is worrying.
Maybe she’s seen so many disgusting homes in her job her perspective has gone.

I would warn your mutual friend and try and get out of going tbh.

I also think I’d find a way to raise it with your friend. You can be gentle and curious about it but I don’t think you should ignore it.

I came on this thread to say I'm not house proud and would be quite sad if someone wrote a post about my home. I mean I have toys dragged out from the playroom and clean dry washing from the dryer stacked on the worktops above it folded waiting to be put away and one of my cats are fond of dragging teddies out the kids bedrooms. I also have pets but I'm very much going to advise warning friend, as it does sound like a health hazard. I think friend in question may need some professional help and a gentle conversation although hard may need to be had. I don't think it's a big deal having a bit of mess and clutter hear and there but this sounds extreme.

I take a bottle of water and say I don’t drink hot drinks but it’s too late for the OP!

Given up caffeine? Fasting?

If she’s a social worker, surely she’s trained to ‘spot’ stuff like animal faeces and waste food in beds?
How on earth does she recognise neglect and abuse if she can’t see the bloody obvious?!?

Does she live alone op?

TO EVERYONE

SHE ISNT A SOCIAL WORKER

that was another poster giving an example of her friend

Social workers can get burnt out. I know two the first her marriage was destroyed she was off her head with crazy conspiracy theories. Luckily her ex and his parents are managing the children between them now. She's functioning at work but outside of that she's not.

Another friend did social work in prison, violent offenders. She lasted four years before cracking up. She's fine now in a different field.

Wait why are you going back??

I wouldn’t go back. Sorry, that’s grim.

How could a social worker not be aware of those living conditions. Surely that’s literally part of her job and I’d be concerned about her ability to sufficiently assess other people’s homes if she can’t recognise cat shit on her bedroom floor is a health hazard.

Id warn your other friend but fully expect her to pull her up on it.

I wouldn't go back but if I did I would definitely warn my other friend. After all, it's not necessary to consider it personal information that shouldn't be disclosed if she's quite happy to have you both come round.

Sorry, not read whole thread.

Unless she is vulnerable in some way, I (as a former social worker) very much doubt social services will get involved. People have a right to live how they want, however much it may revolt other people.

If animals are being neglected or abused, that should be reported to the relevant people. But I don't know if there's evidence of that?

In response to original question - yes, I would warn the other friend.

She has a mental illness. I have a friend who works for the council dealing with hoarders and people who live like this. They can seem perfectly ‘normal’,, hold down jobs and be clean themselves, though more often than not they are older and that’s how the council hears about them. Sometimes she just gets people asking her to help with a parent or whatever.
Anyhow she is not a practicing psychologist but does have a PhD in psychology and has a special interest in hoarding. Her clients need support and gentle handling - you (or a professional) can’t just go in there and clean the mess up without addressing why she lives like this. Have you actually asked her about the mess? Like ‘Susan your cats have pooed in here and it’s not healthy to live like this’? Her reaction will tell you a lot. You obviously care for this woman but if you are reluctant to report her to SS then perhaps ask her if she’d let you help her remove the obvious trash (not her possessions). But really she needs to see her GP. Don’t judge her, treat her with compassion. It’s not normal and she needs help. Maybe say you are happy to go with her as support?

Sounds like your friend has MH problems and needs a diagnosis if she doesn’t have one already. Mess and clutter are one thing and need to be dealt with, but filth and biological waste are quite another. I’m not sure how you would approach it but there are both animal and human welfare issues here. Please tell me she doesn’t have children… 😬YANBU

I’d not go again until such time as they’ve got a cleaner.

Could you not have said while you were there, do you want a hand clearing up? That level of mess is not normal. I can't believe you are going back!

“I just tell how it is” I bet is how your friend describes herself ie often thoughtless and rude

My in-law’s place is like that, only minus the dog shit. I’ve refused to go in there for years and I’ll happily pre warn anybody who is going there and doesn’t know what it’s like. The smell clings to your clothes for hours afterwards and it’s awful.

Why did the OP say funny you should say that then?