AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

She did

Here we are. Social worker post

I would have to ask her if she is okay and say you’ve noticed she’s struggling with the housework. I’d probably go over with cleaning supplies and try to help. No mentally healthy person chooses to live like that. I struggle with my mental health but have a DS so have always kept the house in a half decent manner. I wonder if that would slide if I was alone although I can’t imagine neglecting my animals like that.

Is it possible she was brought up in a similar home. Reason I ask is I know someone whose parents house is full of junk (mutual collected friend from parents house) and their own house is filthy too, rubbish on the floor etc. I couldn't understand how they couldn't see it wasn't normal. It's quite sad I think

She is not mentally fine...the house IS the proof. Poor animals. Utility room litter is wrong.

Obviiously meet else where.

Your new friend doesn't want to host.
Invite her out to local cafe or pub. Give her a break, and tell her that it's best to meet at XX so that she doesn't feel pressured to clean for them. That you can see that she struggles.

People do live like this.

I've been in houses like this for work. I have visited at least two houses where the dirt, usually from dogs and outside, has put me on edge and one with kids where social services had been called but closed the case, and that had broken windows, hideous cat shit everywhere, the inches of dust on the stairs.

My daughter went to visit a fairly well-off friend and they had dedicated a corner of their kitchen or utility room for the new dog to shit in. Yes, on the floor. My poor daughter couldn't get out of there quick enough.

I know someone who had chickens and there was so much dog shit and chicken shit in the garden, the kids couldn't play outside.

There's no service called adult MH who come round your house and tell you to clean up! They would for children, but if you are deemed to have capacity, then you can live how you please unless it's so bad the council deem it a health hazard (e.g. rats) or if you were very elderly and at considerable risk.

Otherwise this is just mucky people. I wouldn't go again, meet at a coffee shop and personally I'd tell my friend why.

I mean I would tell the other friend why and rearrange at a coffee shop. If the dirty house friend asks, I might say why.

At a previous company I worked for I was invited round to the director’s house to work with her in her home office. The smell hit me when she opened the door, and the place was an absolute tip. Several large dogs bounded on me and had to be pulled off. When I used the loo the door was broken and I was again ambushed by the dogs 🤦🏻‍♀️ The bathroom sink was cluttered, so handwashing clearly didn’t take place. She said I could was my hands in the kitchen. Not a day I repeated! Perfectly intelligent woman, but she just didn’t care.

Now I’m far from being a tidy person, but nobody gets past my door if I haven’t tidied up, never mind giving a tour 😱 OP if you helped her clean her house, it would be back to the way it is now within weeks. Some people are just like that. Kim Woodburn used to recognise it in certain people when she did How Clean Is Your House.

You sound a very nice person not to drop her as a friend because of it. I think I would warn your other friend before going though, and probably meet elsewhere. It’s awful to find yourself in that position without warning (well, at all really!)

Why on earth would you go back. just don't go.It sounds utterly disgusting. arrange to meet in a coffee shop or bar.

And all the talk of MH is nonsense. Some people really are just filthy.

She needs to be told so option c

Just because some people have filthy houses does not mean they have MH issues. Some people are just filthy and live in filth. people don't always keep the same standards as others,

Some people were not brought up to be clean or tidy or cba to do housework. Yes of course there is a difference between a bit of untidiness and utter filth but sadly some people are happy to live in filth.

I agree.

I think you're doing her a disservice with any of the things you've mentioned.

This is no way to live. She needs help. Either sit her down and say you're concerned as her house smelt and quite obviously extremely untidy and dirty, or don't say anything and just meet her out of the house.

But honestly, you're her friend. I'd like to think if I was quite obviously really struggling that a friend would step in and say something, even if it was to say "let me help you find a service to help".

And some do have mental health issues and that's why they live like that

She doesn’t say she’s a social worker at all!!

No but it is implied.

It’s implied she is in a caring/help role

people were posting earlier saying “well if she’s a social worker then x y and z”

enough said

Of course, some do. But some don't. Some people are just filthy. Can[t just assume because some people have dirty houses they have MH issues.

NC for this. I grew up like this. The difference was that my mum obviously knew it was abnormal and unacceptable because we never, ever had people over. Not friends, not family.

I personally wouldn’t be able to cope with visiting because of my own past. In your situation I would not say anything to the mutual friend. Nor would I say anything to messy friend. If there are no minors or vulnerable adults involved, she can live as she pleases. But I’d find an excuse not to go round again.

I’d report to the RSPCA/SSPCA for the conditions the pets live in. You do not need to give your name.

No. Implied that she's a social worker

Look again

I would warn my friend. I wouldn’t be going back there though. I’d meet for coffee or invite her round mine. What I don’t understand is how she doesn’t smell. How can that be. I’m not one to judge anyone by their house but that doesn’t sound right either

Option A - you don’t have to be a bitch about it just factual

It’s amazing that these people must visit other houses but don’t realise how bad it is for others to visit their place. I went to my boyfriend’s house when I was in my early twenties and he had years worth of cigarette Ash and butts in his room.

Also been to someone whose house was ok but the toilet was streaked with shit. I’d be embarrassed sending someone to a toilet like that. And I’m also not particularly house proud.