AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

In my area if a housing officer dropped in to someone's house and saw something like that there would be a referral to social work and social work would follow it up

To be fair if she’s okay with having you over she’s likely blind to the issue, so I doubt she’d make the connection between you ghosting her and the state of her home.

I agree though it’s not worth ghosting someone over it, there could be any number of reasons her situation is the way it is. Maybe it’s how she grew up herself so she doesn’t see it as unusual.

Environmental health deal with unsafe living conditions. Social services only get involved if someone is eligible for their support. If they had children, Children's Social Care would be involved, but this person doesn't.

Personally, I would find it weird if a mutual friend had not warned me of these conditions if I had known she had visited the house before.

Could your friend who hasn't visited be pregnant or need to be aware of these squalid conditions due to her own health conditions or people she cares for?

She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace.

HRTFT....

I'd not mention it if your friend says what she sees, just incase she blurts out....

"Jeez @SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog said your place was a shithole but I didn't think it would be this bad".

Your house owner friend will probably only hear your name come out of that and won't thank you for it.

There's every chance she doesn't see it as you do and plods on, or has got so bogged down with it all she doesn't know which way to turn.

I think she probably needs a gentle critical friend. I’d carry on going back when invited but would hang on with helping until the time is right, which you’ll have to play by ear (especially with the cleaning aspect).
I’d be tempted to start with the recycling of cans & bottles, on the basis of safety of people & pets.
Best wishes.

I've got two friends like this, but minus the animal poo which really takes this to the next level. One of whom has severe mental health problems, one is just lazy and a bit eccentric. I limit my visits to both their houses and meet them somewhere neutral/at my home whenever possible. If I have to go there (and this typically happens when they are unwell and unable to get out and about) I do not eat or drink whilst I am there, unless it is takeaway (I'll bring coffee in disposable cups or sandwiches and drink from the local deli). Even if I am bringing takeaway I'll limit what I drink so I don't need to use the toilet. If you felt so uncomfortable last time when on earth did you agree to go back? Why not invite them both to your house instead?

Is that right. Then how come when a police officer visited me to talk about anti social behaviour in my area and then decided to criticise me because my living room was a bit messy. Said if you had kids I would report you to social services. I don't have kids but she did. They took up her complaints and I was lettered saying a social worker would be coming to visit me

I actually complained about her conduct to police and they upheld my complaints against her - but I was reported. And I was not living in conditions like the OPs friend, - the fact that you are a social worker doesn't trump my lived experience

Environmental health in my area do not deal with unsafe living conditions

funny you should say that …

That’s what’s I’d do. Animals can’t speak up for themselves, it sounds disgusting and the animals need saving.

I’d warn my friend. If she’s a true friend. Suggest they meet outside her house. You don’t have to go into detail.

For this weekend - could you suddenly realise you have a voucher or there's a special offer on at a pub, restaurant or coffee shop nearby and suggest to both friends that you meet there instead?

Otherwise I think you need to raise it with her. She clearly needs some help getting things back in order and potentially do a deep clean - I can recommend someone if she's in the North West/North Wales area

Apart from animals it sounds like my neighbours. He is an older single chap, early 70s. He asked me to water his plants and take post in while he was away. I wiped my feet on the way out.
He's always complaining about his breathing/sinuses/chest, blames chemtrails spray.🤔 I bite my tongue from saying more likely rodent droppings, dust from his filthy home.

Are you concerned about your friend or the pets?

Did you eat or drink anything when you were there?

I want to have a shower just reading your post

Ah right. That's why you can't call social services. She's a social worker.

I think you are being disingenuous with your allusions.

Mentally she seems fine, holds down a good job etc but I know mental health issues can be difficult to spot. Without giving too much away, reporting her to adult SS would likely have far more implications than normal in this case.

I’ve actually been a few times now, it never gets any better (well, one thing has got worse but unnecessary to get into it now, you get the picture)

No, we don’t get the picture.

If this person holds a responsible job which demands high personal expectations then you should be doing something about it. Perhaps recruit the other friend to help you. I wouldn’t be setting foot in the house to be honest and I’m not a clean freak.

If she is a Social Worker then you really should be doing something.

To answer a few questions …

the time I posted about was the first time I saw it - first impressions which is what mutual friend will see.

I’ve been back a few times since then but only drop ins where I’ve taken her things when she was ill and one time in summer where we sat in the garden.

its not a council house, she owns it.

She lives alone with two dogs and multiple cats.

she doesn’t smell, I have no idea how she keeps clean considering the bath is unusable but she honestly doesn’t smell. The house and car do.

The fact that she happily took me into her bedroom with cat shit on the floor and half eaten food on the bed makes me think she either doesn’t realise how unusual this is or she simply doesn’t care? I used to work in the community and I’ve seen some sights but never seen someone live like this whilst appearing totally normal away from the house.

I want to know if you drink the coffee she made you?

My dil was a nanny for loads of posh people - she said the posher the dirtier was the conclusion she came to

getting to work and soiled nappies on the countertop and not been moved for days

I had a friend who lived like that. I couldn't believe she let me in with how bad it was. She was absolutely lovely though but I hated that her dog lived in that mess. She had a huge cane corso which initially I was scared of, so didn't stay in the same room with it alone. That's how I discovered how bad the kitchen and elsewhere was! The dog was absolutely adorable though, it loved me but it made her jealous seeing how it came to me and sat on my foot. I stopped going just because she got rough with him to show me I was too gentle with him 🫤

I hated going anywhere after being in there, the dog smell stuck to me like a thick layer and I had to strip and shower every time I got in the house. Let the mutual friend say something, it might give her a kick up the arse that it's not good for the dog or for her to live like that.

Tbh I probs would have made an excuse and said I had a dogey tummy/ over caffeinated I don’t reckon I could if the house was truly filthy

Mellow birds moment

if your old enough to remember

How does she present, day to day? You said she doesn't smell, but are her clothes clean and ironed? Is her hair washed? If she is a social worker, then surely she must be aware that her living standards leave a lot to be desired. If a friend of mine lived in squalor, I would say something, never mind damaging the friendship. Does she have any other friends? Any family members who might be called upon to intervene?

Have you ever thought about asking her if she’s ok? Sounds like she’s lost a grip on things and doesn’t realise how bad it is and how bad for her health and the health of others. Friend concerned for someone because you care about them, it’s ok to ask, she might be struggling