AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I don’t know how you can like someone who keeps animals in a shit hole.

I’m going to throw in option d….
Sit her down and have a hard but very necessary conversation about the state of her house before the other friend comes over. Explain that you haven’t said anything before now but it has been bothering you and you are concerned for not only her own health and welfare but that of the animals and is there any support you can help with?
I can’t understand how she’s aware enough to keep herself clean and tidy but not her house and either not realise or not care what it’s like. There needs to be an intervention

I wouldn’t say anything as it sounds gossipy. Does your friend have mental health issues?

My mum lives a bit like this. There isn’t typically actual poo unless there’s been an accident but she doesn’t exactly scrub the place after. The smell knocks you back in certain areas and there’s grime, clutter and rubbish everywhere. She’s always been a bit mucky but it’s actually horrid now. She always has people round and I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she always says “well no one says anything to me so it can’t be that bad” and accuses me of overreacting. She doesn’t understand that people might be too embarrassed or not really know what to say. So… I think you need to have a chat with your friend. Nothing too harsh but a “what’s going on here?” Sort of thing.

the mutual friend, I would warn. Just a little “ there’s issues” or “she’s not houseproud”.

Whatever you do please give the other friend the heads up! To use the toilet/wear clothes she can protect herself in/have a change of clothes for the car and shoes etc

I would 100% go back this weekend with your friend. I would turn up with a bendy bucket full of cleaning things, gloves, a face mask and a lot of bin bags.

On arrival I'd simply declare, "Right, here to help!" and I'd get stuck in.

I don't think that would help.
It would be a really intrusive thing for OP to do, and overwhelming for her friend.
It is hard to explain, but if someone did that to me, I would not allow it as they would not be cleaning "my" way, and it would all feel out of control.

Warn mutual friend first.
Don't tell her not to mention anything to the person who lives there. She can say something if she wants.
You can suggest tidying up before mutual friend arrives, but this doesn't really work with dirty people. You may find that the terrible state you found the place in is actually the tidied up state and it's sometimes even worse! They're used to the mess so their perception of it is different.

No, you can't do that. It's not your place, in both senses of the expression.

You sound a kind friend, OP, empathetic and tolerant

By all means, go back if you like her, but please obviously take care of your health after. So many things sound rather unsavoury and unsafe, not to mention unhygienic obviously, and I do hope you won't be unwell after a visit.

She may or may not be depressed, it must be that she's possibly oblivious to it all as it's her "normal". But yes, you should tell your mutual friend, as she'll be forewarned and forearmed. I'd be glad if a friend warned me in advance!

You have to warn your friend. If you don’t, she might think you think such standards are ok!

Messy friend might need some sort of intervention though, she could be suffering with her mental health.

I got like this when I was severely depressed and multiple parts of my life collapsed around me. Relationship ended, business collapsed, parents died, finances down the drain. I gave up. I needed help but didn't reach out and should have done.

I'd offer to help... or just start helping..?

Agree with this.

OP, I'm only on page 2 of this thread, but there have been various suggestions that you could help this friend, but where would you start, in a house which is a bio hazard? The environmental health should look at this house urgently, it needs cleaning by bio hazard specialists wearing hazmat suits, and masks if the smell from the "walk in" cat litter is so appalling. Also, I'm amazed that your friend could appear clean when the bath sounds unusable. Your description of the toilet made me cringe.

How rude. No, that's not the way forward.

This.

@SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog You need to report to the RSPCA. You may not care about the squalor but there is a dog and cat who are suffering because of this woman's neglect.

They don’t really have powers. A lot of time they’ll convince the owner to surrender the pet. The standard is very low. A neighbours dog cries out the back 24/7 a large breed, never walked. But has a kennel and water bowl, neighbours reported it. It’s cruel, the bar for removal is extremely low, usually multiple pets, multiple visits and piles of dirt, fleas before they can remove the animal.

They do, they just don't use them enough

I hope the person who posted sheep dip thinks they are funny

This. But apparently it's funny according to some people on here "sheep dip". And some people are just pigs and mental health has nothing to do with it

Won't your other friend wonder why on earth you didn't mention such hazardous squalor since you've seen it before?
She'll probably be questioning your own sanity !

I had a friend who lived like this in a rented house. The house was not dirty but very dusty and cluttered. There were piles of "stuff" and empty boxes that she had not thrown out in corners. However the kitchen and bathroom were fairly clean if a bit cluttered on the surfaces. She didn't even tidy up for inspections. She said people have to take it as they find it and if they dont like it they wont come again.

I used to have an aunt who also lived like this with piles of unironed washing on every surface. If you needed to do something ont he table or sit down you had to clear a space.

No animals or young children were involved in any of these examples. The occupiers simply did not "see" the clutter and did not care what others thought.

If the house is such a 'non issue' ie, returning, then why are you pretending it's fine but then bitching about her on here behind her back? Two faced much? You're a crappy friend, and you're not doing her any favours by turning a blind eye to it all, It's not normal and it's disgusting. Have some balls and tell your friend even tho you really like her, the house is a shit hole and she needs to sort it out. Offer to help if you think it will help?

Sorry what? You’ve been invited over this weekend and you’re going? I don’t know if I believe this post. Why would you ever even contemplate going back in that house if it’s as bad as you say it is? I’m rather intrigued as to where you met this woman and what you have in common? I have a friend who has always kept dogs and cats and her house keeping is a bit lax but she always cleans and tidies before I visit because she knows I have asthma.

I would let nature take it's course. Blunt friend will speak up as she sees fit. If you warn blunt friend, she may say "OP did warn me, but I never expected this!" which will hurt dirty friend's feelings in an extra way.

Dirty friend has invited you both over, so just go.