AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

That's beyond filthy. In my view no one would live like that unless they were suffering from some kind of trauma or mental health issue. I have mental health issues. There have been times in my life where I have struggled with housework. Not because I'm filthy. Not because I can't be arsed. Because I have been unwell

I have. The funny you should say that comment was in response to a comment about a social worker

c. Let nature take its course.

From your updates, you appear to have been going to your friend’s unhygienic home for some months and yet haven’t kindly asked why she isn’t copying with cleaning and if she’d like some help.

So, you’re only asking now because the other friend is about to see it and (being plain speaking) will likely ask you if you’ve spoken, and offered support, to your mutual friend. And you’ll have to say you’ve done nothing.

IMHO if she’s a friend rather than acquaintance, you should speak to her about it, as gently, kindly and non-judgmentally as possible. It’s clearly not healthy for her or her pets to live like that. But the catalyst shouldn’t be the other friend’s visit.

Mess is none of anyone’s business to judge, unless it gets to the point of such extreme hoarding people have to tunnel into their own rooms, there are trip hazards or rodents. But lack of hygiene (e.g. animal faeces on a bedroom carpet) and an unusable bath (assume there’s no shower) will have health consequences, both mental and physical. It’s not good for anyone to live like that. Nor for her pets.

Hopefully, once your mutual friend has seen it, the two of you could both offer support, helping to clean up, room by room.

Some people struggle with executive function. Mainly people that are neurodivergent in some way. Being ND is not a mental illness.

Being posh doesn’t stop you from having mental health issues conditions

bit strange most people who live like this are ashamed and dont let visitors in

I'm not ND. I have ptsd and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I went through an event in my life a few years ago that almost completely ruined it to the point I could barely function. Nothing to do with being ND. If your post was referring to me and not the OPs friend

You said that someone must have MH issues to live like that. That is untrue.
I hope things are better for you now.

For me the animal faeces is the MH is or isn’t?

@Foodgloriousfoodie
Why don't you look again?
All you need to do is look at OP's replies.
Multiple people have already told you that you have got it wrong

I said in my view. That's all.

Thank you.

So literally people would report someone being happy and having a nice job to adult Social services and their GP? Wow

like, no chat to the friend and asking : do you want me to help or you are happy as you are

I don’t need to

they haven’t - maybe two

can we leave it there and return to the point of the post…I’m gonna anyhow

I find it hard to believe that someone who lives in this chaos and squalor is some kind of high functioning adult in a well paid job. Is this thread for real?

Listen. I do think there should be a conversation but there are pets in this mess. No one will be happy as they are in a mess like that.

Thing is, people don't just wake up one day and their house is suddenly like this. It builds up incrementally over a long period of time, and they don't necessarily notice how bad it's got because it's been quite a gradual process to get to that point.

The animal faeces is extreme though.

You are wrong. You've been told multiple times

I understand but when I have ever have had my flat in a mess I have absolutely known about it and wanted to do something about it. I do understand what it's like to be overwhelmed and not know where to start

And I think that's where the OPs friend will be. Not knowing what to tackle first

You’re so invested in it! Move on

we disagree

It sounds like she has mental health or she just lives that way, some people do. Are you close enough to ask her if she'd like some help with the cleaning and decluttering. Its a sensitive subject I know but its worth a try!

I've only ever known this happen where there are animals, I've never found someone who is truly dirty and they don't have animals, it's that which tips the whole thing over from undesirable to unhygenic. I think they just think that's part and parcel of being a dog or cat owner, although they must go round other people's houses and see that isn't true! I did once visit someone whose animals were removed by the RSPCA but that was beyond even this situation; the carpet was black with shit I guess and worn away. I had a cup of tea and didn't die!

The RSPCA wont care about shit stains on carpets. They will be looking at the animals themselves. Do they have food and water? Are they happy? Are they healthy?

The lady I was visiting for work obviously neglected her animals which is why they were removed, I don't think using a pantry as a litter tray would count, but I don't know.

I wouldn't offer to clean it or sort it myself. I don't have time to clean my own home, let alone other people's. I know it would just go back that a week later so I wouldn't bother. I would for a close family member but not otherwise.

You definitely have to warn her. I would arrange to meet elsewhere if you can. Sounds awful!

I used to have a very old cat that would not use a litter tray. My utility room was his litter tray. I just kept newspaper down all the time. Bless him, he was a sweetie but he was vile.

Yes, she must know it's not great but may be in denial about quite how bad it is. And as you say, not know where to start because where do you, when it's that overwhelming? So it just gets worse.

I've been in houses like this. I remember one elderly man where thick cobwebs on his ceiling reached right down to his bed (seriously - it was awful), and his electricity had been cut off years ago. He was a lovely, intelligent man but it had just all got way out of hand over a period of years.

ETA he didn't have animals, though. Well, spiders, I guess.