26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

OP I’m a little confused.

You had moved out of his home.
You had made it clear that if he had to move for work, that you would not be going with him.
It sounds like you weren’t even in a relationship.

I’m not surprised he changed the locks when you don’t live there and apparently would try and get in.

In the gentlest way possible, I wonder if you’re a bit confused about the relationship status and therefore you have been a bit more intense than you realise.
You say you have been texting and emailing most days - obviously you want answers but he may have seen this as harassment.

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

You are a single parent OP and the quicker you accept that, the easier things will be for you.
To be honest, every one of us could have told you you were going to be a single parent if you had told us the situation from day 1.

Of course being a single parent isn’t the easiest thing in the world but it’s a lot easier than being in a relationship with a man where you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

Just take things 1 day at a time.
Focus on being excited about the baby and don’t let him spoil this for you.

This man is disgusting and your mother is a disgrace.
I suspect she has been hot and cold like this all your life and left you with insecure attachment which has been exploited by this horrible man.
Focus all energy, time and money on 2 people now OP: You and your baby. If your mum needs a favour, tell her you are busy, if she calls again remind her that she accused you of harassing her so needs to not be a hypocrite.
Read about attachment OP, I think you may find some answers. https://attachmenttraumanetwork.org/what-are-attachment-disorders/

The same thing happened to me!! All you can do is concentrate on yourself and the baby, he is not worthy of your time or effort. If you ask about on local Facebook pages for baby things you will be surprised how many people are willing to donate. As for your mum leave it where it is and let her come to you.
My daughter is 28 today and I can honestly say she has turned in to a fantastic human being.
Youve got this! Be strong for yourself and your little one and don’t let anyone dictate what you should and shouldn’t be doing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He's horrible, and you need to ignore him, and your mother, going forward. I'd only look at CS if he earns a decent amount and it's worth the hassle. Otherwise ignore, and move on. He's not who you thought he was, people can be shockingly cruel, and its all on him. You're shocked because its shocking behaviour.

I think he's an arse. Regardless of what you've done, the state of your relationship or how he feels, a solicitors letter is a step too far.

However. Calling your parents on repeat is possibly a bit of a red flag. This isn't a new breakup or a new pregnancy and you're heading towards 40. I wonder if you're over intense, demanding or very hard work?

I can understand in the first hours of a break up things are hard. But it's been 10 weeks since you split up with your ex. If you've messaged or called every day at least once, that would be 70 contacts. And calling your parents 'again and again' is intense too. As is being on sick leave for 10 weeks due to a relationship breakdown.

With all the best will in the world, you need to be more self reliant at this point. In less than 2 months you will be responsible for a baby. This is a very long way from what you'd hoped for but it's your new reality. It is your life now. Dig deep and move on from him. Start preparing for the baby. Cot, clothes, pram. Looking forward, not back. CMS after you've done the DNA test to prove the selfish arse wrong.

If someone is pregnant and suffering from stress - it sounds like the relationship was stressful towards the end. It's not for anyone on here to say that being off work for ten weeks is too much. It is a new break up. They've been apart two months

This situation is absolutely devastating. You went from feeling supported to being alone at one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Panic and despair are appropriate initial reactions.

Now it’s time to figure out your life. You have a home. You have a career. You have life experience. You aren’t unprepared for a baby. This is just a different path. You can do this.

Your asshole ex lawyering up is actually a positive thing. It makes this all much less messy. Once the baby is born, get the dna test. It’s a good idea to officially establish paternity so there can be no disputes later.

I can’t believe anyone is suggesting that there is any substance to the op ‘harassing’ her ex. These laws were not intended to protect people who get someone pregnant and then want to fuck off into the sunset without any hassle. Another case of laws intended to protect genuine victims being abused. That said, there clearly is no point in contact.

Op, I’m really sorry your mum was not more supportive and that you’ve been treated like this. I think it’s perfectly normal not to have snapped into accepting the situation just yet. I hope you have others you can offload to, as well as accessing the more practical support that has been suggested in this thread.

She's got to pull herself up and fast. Or she'll be a wreck with a newborn baby. And we're all wrecked when we have tiny babies. How will she cope if she doesn't sort herself out now? No one else is going to do it for her. It's the reality of her situation.

@BeeHive909 "Same as your mum she would have called you back when she could. I wouldn’t like it if someone was blowing up my phone with calls."

This isn't "someone", it's her daughter for god sake. A daughter that happens to be in an understandably distressed, scared and vulnerable situation. If I was getting lots of calls from my adult son, I would be frightened to death that something was terribly wrong, not pissed off. Are you a mother?

That still doesn't mean she was wrong to take time off work given the situation

Absolutely this

This.

Putting him on birth certificate mean he'll get PR - he can get this through courts later but he'd have to make an effort to do so.

Your Dmum sounds unkind as well and I wonder as PP have whether this is a dynamic you've repoduced subconsciously in a relationship. You don't hvae to undertsand why they done anything - you can't change their behavior just how you react to it.

I think you will have to look for some other support and plan to be a single parent .

They do, but if someone has put a ring on it it would be unusual for them to bail at first announcement of a pregnancy, plus there’s more protection. Flip side less easy to walk away or not give parental rights, but this isn’t what most women are hoping for.

Do you even want to be a parent? You can still have an abortion if continuing the pregnancy will severely effect yout mental health. You also have the option of adoption, otherwise i think you need to see the situation for what it is; even though not ideal you cant force him to want to care unfortunately. It does sound like your struggling to cope, maybe contact your GP or midwife and see if what support there is available going forward.

Did you get to know his family and friends? Do you think his parents would give the ex a kick up the arse and you some support given they have a a grandchild on the way? Is it your first child?

Personally I wouldn’t be taking the phone calls in class because as soon as I realised how bad it was, I’d be taking a day unpaid personal leave to support my daughter.

You don’t need to pay a solicitor to respond to this.

My mum and dad who were married split when I was around three and he had to be forced to pay my mum the absolute minimum in child support then he cut me out of his life permanently. Just because someone has rights doesn't mean they'll care

I’m a solicitor. Do you want my honest advice as someone who has been through similar ? Do not contact him at all , don’t tell him baby was born , don’t speak about him or message him or any sort of contact . Let his name out of the birth certificate for now . If he wants something to do with the child then he can do some hard work before . I have a feeling from his reaction he won’t contact you at all . I was a single mum twice and it’s much easier to do it in full control if the situation than having to out up with a nasty waste of oxygen. There is plenty of good men out there , I went in to marry an amazing one down the line but that guy is not one of them .

So sorry you’re going through this. Give a lot of consideration to whether you want to pursue maintenance as he would have parental rights and could make life very difficult.

He is being an absolute monster. If he comes back wanting a relationship with the baby I would say no and make things as difficult as possible for him. You are absulutely not the problem.

I think as the OP has said now he has asked her not to contact him again through a solicitors letter she won't.its important she does not contact him again except through professional channels regarding CM issues.
He does sound a pathetic,awful man but agree the OP needs to be careful not to give such a man ammunition with which to hurt her further.

I would do the DNA test otherwise he will just say you lied to make himself feel better.
That way he can’t deny they aren’t his child.
i wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate because then he can have rights to the child. You can still claim maintaining without the birth certificate.
Your mum sounds mean. It might explain why you’ve been attracted to an emotionally distant/cruel man though. Maybe try and lean on someone else instead of her.
Youll probably need to unpack some of this in therapy to stop you choosing the same sort of partner again because they are familiar to how you’ve experienced love, and to stop you repeating the parenting cycles your parents did with you on your own child. At the very least read “the book I wish my parents had read”by Philippa Perry

Would you/did you apply for child maintenance though?