26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Interesting. You may be right. Expensive though.

I wonder if it would benefit OP to be able to send a letter denying harassment considering the circumstances?
A solicitor on this thread already said she’d do nothing though so I’m really not sure 🤔

The police will laugh him out the station. Police did nothing for me when I was stalked for over a year and got death threats and parcels sent to my home. I don't know what your issue is but you seem to have something against the OP. Why is that? You think it's ok the way he's behaved over this. Why are you victim blaming someone who posted on here looking for support?

the problem with harassment is that it’s based on how the victim feels. Which is why this man can say that after the 2nd contact he felt harassed.

she can deny it - she contacted him and he can say he felt harassed. It is just the way the law is written.

Op, please read everything with a pinch of salt and bear in mind we aren't all mothers here or women. Make no assumptions about the posters or their own agendas..

Garbage. People are just making stuff up off the top of their heads now. The OP posted on here for support. Is she getting it?

Fully agree. I travel frequently between the EU country we are resident of and the UK. My children have different a surname and it is often questioned.

I have never felt inconvenienced. I am glad that these checks are in place.

Having a baby tests even the strongest of relationships, if this man can’t even cope with a pregnancy where you’re doing all the heavy lifting he’s doing you and the baby a huge favour by telling you now he’s not up to snuff. Have the DNA test, collect the maintenance he owes you and only contact him via lawyers. You have a job and a house you can totally raise a baby alone!

I’m not victim blaming her.

im autistic and my tone is sometimes off for which I apologise.

ive also been harassed and stalked, and someone messaging me hundreds of times, emailing 20 times and call in a similar amount would definitely be something I would go to the police about.

Sorry no. She's done nothing to put him in a state of fear and alarm. She's been polite throughout. No threats. He could have responded and said go away or blocked her. He did neither. Once more. Why are you constantly putting the boot into the OP. Because that's what you are doing.

What she cannot do is add him to the birth certificate
or to be forced to do so.

His name can be added to the birth certificate later on by court order. This can be without OP’s consent (or alternatively without his consent if OP pursues it through the courts instead).

I was stopped once with my kids - I reverted to my maiden name on divorce and we were stopped coming back from Ohio.

Why do you want to talk to him? If someone was that awful to me I wouldn’t go anywhere near him let alone want him near my baby. I was move, not tell him where you are and get on with your life with your wonderful new baby. Your baby is so much better with just you.

I would get in touch with a local church or something and take as much support as you can. You can get a lot of what you need for your baby from free bay etc.

You need to awaken your mama bear

In that case I don’t think I’d be engaging a solicitor at this stage.

He's the father of her child. She was wanting to know why he changed the locks. The volume of communication might be an issue but it would be more of an issue if she was being threatening

If I didn't want to hear from someone. I would block them. Police have better things to do.

@ThisHeartyQuoter yes I did wonder why he hadn’t just blocked me.

My head is spinning with it all. Those saying he wouldn’t go to the lengths of paying a solicitor if he didn’t feel harassed, money is no object to him so he won’t have thought twice about the cost.

I can’t comprehend how he could have gone to
initial scans with me and talked about our baby to now suggest he’s not the father!!

The police told me not to block so I had evidence of harassment.

he should have told her to stop. But he didn’t.

If money is no object, get that cms claim in hand the day your baby is born

If you ‘needed’ help with harassment you’d go to the police. And before you did that, you’d tell your pregnant ex not to contact you.
any more. And before you did that, you’d probably try to be a decent person and end the relationship properly, rather than changing the locks.

Whatever ‘his side of the story’ is, his behaviour is unacceptable.

Well I'll tell you something. If he thinks this is harassment he doesn't know what real harassment is. I have had my address tweeted and photos of my house put online. Parcels sent to my home. Threats to maim and kill me - and police did nothing.

He started this when he locked her out. Imagine being 26 weeks and you have someone who locks you out of the home you've been living in for a year and then refuses to communicate with you

@TheZTeam i will do that. Just heartbroken at what he has done. I can’t believe he’s actually browsed for a solicitor, taken the steps to speak to them and approved a nasty letter like that when I’m weeks from giving birth.

He doesn’t feel harassed, he has money to pay for an allegation that isn’t really true, and he’s putting the DNA test request in writing now so he can later document that he believe this all along.

I understand that but the volume of hate I was getting I had to for my own sanity. Yes he should. He really should. He should just have had a conversation with her and been honest and it would not have got this far

Of course she could. She could give the baby her name, his name or she could pluck a name out of the phone book at random. The only thing she can’t do is put his name on it without him being there, as they aren’t married.

OP, I wouldn’t reply to the solicitor if I were you. There’s nothing to say to them. You’re not going to contact him anymore and his solicitor can’t force him to answer your questions or involve himself with a child. I’d resign myself to not speaking to him again until he decides that it’s time for him to become father of the year and he can tell everyone that you’re withholding his child from him.

When money is no object, appearing to have no money on paper is very easy.

I retained my maiden name, hence the issue sometimes.

But I am still all for the checks. My work has brought me into contact with women whose children have been taken by the other parent.

It is always traumatic, costly and rarely has any decent outcome.

Given the cards on OP's table. I would parent alone. Cut contact and definitely not put him on the BC. Unless he is very wealthy and his input would mean a life change for the OP and her dc, I would fully walk away.