26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

You do know that anecdote doesn't equal data?

I have been taken aside at UK immigration, even though I am a UK citizen.

You might not imagine it based on your own experience, but damn right it happens - and frequently.

As it should, IMO.

Don't ever put him on the birth certificate.
Do the DNA test and then claim child support.
Keep all messages diaries and solicitor letters should you wish to share when your child asks why he/she has no contact with that idiot.

Put your surname on the birth certificate.
Should help with traveling overseas.

Yes it should. Children in my family were abducted by a parent, could have saved years of unhappiness for the children and their mother if someone had done their job.

i also want to say that if ops actions are deemed harassment if the alleged father goes to the police then this will most definitely trigger a social services assessment at the very least

I would keep it as evidence. Monsters like him can turn up later.

I think that it would be advisable because the letter she has received today refers to 'harassment'.

It would also be good for any further letters he may wish to send to go to the solicitor rather than OP herself.

I wouldn’t know, but given the circumstances I’m fairly sure that no action would be taken.

And again I wouldn’t know but how likely do you think he’d be to go to the police? He doesn’t come out of it looking that good.

He could easily have spun any old shit to the lawyers. “She was cheating, I told her it was over and she won’t leave me alone.”

Of course you’re not allowed to harass people no matter what, but I bet he wasn’t brutally honest about the circumstances.

What domestic abuse was there?

he’s an arse but what has been described isnt domestic abuse that women’s aid would help with.

he’s been clever because by doing this the op is painted as the abuser.

the number of calls/emails/texts does seem to be quite a lot though - I understand why you did it, but because of the way the law is written, you spoke to him face to face, he didn’t engage and he didn’t reply to any of the texts - thats enough that you legally should have known, a reasonable person would conclude, that he didn’t want them and they were therefore deemable as harassment.

You have done nothing wrong. If your ex decided he didn’t want to be in the relationship any more, he had the choice to tell you. If he didn’t want to be part your child’s life he had the choice to tell you. I personally don’t think he has the choice to opt out of financially providing for his child, but you can pursue that later.

Whatever you did or didn’t do after he changed the locks, he’s behaved like an arsehole and your baby’s life will be better without him in it.

He’s already gone to a solicitor though. Which the op didn’t see coming - I would not be surprised if he did go to the police.

Hard situation for you however sounds like nice or not you've been getting to the harassing stage as changing locks isn't particularly usual and even to the point of your mum getting a bit annoyed. For those saying don't put father on birth certificate sorry never agree every child has a right to know who it's father is no need to be petty. Anyhow get some strength together, get back to work instead of focusing on all the whys and what ifs it's what I did and successfully brought up a now 16 yr old alone

OP doesn’t have to do a DNA test to apply for child maintenance. He has to do the test if he questions paternity. If he refuses to do the test then paternity is assumed.

She left for a couple of days peace because of rows. She made that clear. Stop kicking people down when they don't need it

Three texts a day for a month even is over 100 texts.

so in 10 weeks it could be 150-200 texts.

Forget this man. He’s an untrustworthy little weasel. You might not feel it now but I promise you you’ll look back in future and see what a lucky escape you’ve had. It also sounds like he doesn’t want to be involved with the baby at all. Sorry, for being blunt, but that’s great. You’ll be free of him!

He’s annoyed about you texting and emailing because he thought he’d sent you a clear message - that he didn’t want to be involved. Don’t contact him again. Just reply to the solicitor’s letter very, very briefly.

Forget him! He’d have been a millstone round your neck. Focus on yourself and your baby. Take the time to eat well, rest, practise mindfulness - and look forward to a future with your child. I know it’s been a massive shock, but you need to move past this now. Don’t give him anymore power, don’t let him live in your head, and don’t go over and over things.

You’re ok. You have a home and a job. You can do this - and you can do this well. Speak to your midwife if you need to, but you’ll find the strength inside you. Settle the whirling thoughts and breathe xx

I would be very interested to hear his side of this story, and why he would consider a DNA test to be necessary. Needing to instruct solicitors due to being the victim of harassment is not something anyone does lightly.

Rubbish. Some fathers don't deserve to be involved full stop. Like people who change locks and demand dna tests. And she can't put his name on the birth certificate without his permission. They aren't married or living together. Do you think he's going to agree?

Not sure OP should give a nasty piece of work like him the power of parental rights for the sake of CMS. Obviously that would also depend his and her financial situation.

Legally she can call the child whatever she likes. She could even put your surname on the birth certificate if it took her fancy. What she cannot do is add him to the birth certificate
or to be forced to do so. She cannot even be compelled to get a dna test.

its not that he doesn’t know if the baby is his, he doesnt want the baby to be his and is doing what he can to remove himself from what he considers her problem. It’s an age old tactic. Let’s not pretend men always automatically and heroically accept parentage when they don’t want children, they cause problems, make their ex partner out to be mental and then demand dna before paying their contributions, if they even do at all.

OP may not have behaved perfectly but she’s in a tough position and she doesn’t need the stress made worse by this manchild’s inability to take responsibility for his unprotected sperm ejections.

Hmm are you sure its a legit letter? He could be playing manipulative games to make out your the one harassing him but if this did go down the police route he can say he sent you that letter requesting no contact. Some people just get off on controlling people its awful i know its how they get their own sense of worth because they haven't got it from themselves.
If you do want to pursue for financial support you can go to child maintenance service if you are in the UK. They will organise the paternity test and if it turns out he is the father HE will need to pay for it, if he denies to take it then he will be deemed the childs father and be liable for maintence. Please note they are not always successful in collecting money alot of fathers find a way to cheat the system.

Oh you again 🙄

This is absolute crap. Anyone can send a cease and desist based on one side of a story. You're trying to suggest she's been sleeping around?

Fucking hilarious. I was sent two cease and desist letters by two staff I line managed in a job. Both were harassing me. One was sacked. That decision wasn't mine. Anyone can ask a lawyer to send a letter - it doesn't mean it's true

Unless you know him I have no clue how you can determine whether you’d be ‘surprised’ about his next steps.

If he does go to the police he’ll find out how difficult it is to get harassment taken seriously, and I’m not certain that the OP’s description of daily polite texts or emails would even meet the threshold for harassment.