26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Agreed. If he got his long-term partner pregnant and then refused to answer her calls, that is far more disturbing than anything OP has done.

It’s pretty obvious that he’s painting a picture (perhaps even to himself) of him as the poor man who was harassed by his ex and besides, doesn’t even know if it’s his child. Whereas in fact his own behaviour is unreasonable, abnormal and I would even say unhinged.

Oh and loving the victim blaming upthread by someone saying that there must have been signs that he would do this so it’s all OP’s fault. Yeah right 😂

I am so, so sorry that your mum has been so unsupportive, @Brokennn - my heart goes out to you, and if you were my dd, I’d be giving you a massive hug right now.

Do not do this OP.

yes still an option to get an abortion although theres consequences for everything you do

I agree but he's done, moved on. Has legal involved for harassment, changed the locks. How am I being tone deaf? He's made it quite clear he wants nothing to do with her or a baby. You can't force him to care. All you can do is make him financially responsible.

o/p does not need to organise a DNA test. It’s on him to prove he is not the father.

if she goes to the CMS and he denies he is the father, he will need to organise the DNA test, I believe through the CMS, to show that he is not and he is not obligated for child support. If he doesn’t do the DNA test, it is assumed he is the father and he will need to pay for that child.

o/p needs to do nothing.

An abortion at 26 weeks!! That's disgusting to advise.

I highly doubt the NHS would agree to this anyway for obvious reasons, at 26 weeks there’s around an 80% chance of survival. It isn’t even abortion at this stage (unless, of course, there’s severe deformities or the woman’s life is at risk), it’s murder. Plus OP doesn’t want to abort so I don’t know why anyone would even suggest this.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. He’s acting like an absolute child which is shameful for a man edging towards 40. It will likely go one of two ways. Either he will get a grip of himself when the baby is born and start seeing him/her or he’ll wait a while, have some sort of crisis and get in touch demanding contact. He might also just cut you both off entirely, some do. It sadly sounds as though he never wanted children at all and likely told you you could TTC at a later date to shut you up.

I don't think this thread should turn into a discussion about abortion given that the OP hasn't said she wants one. I said that earlier

You can report any threads or posts you feel are inappropriate

People don't think through the timelines and are often unaware past 20 weeks its a full birth - labour or c-section - they think they are giving options .

Last pg DH was made reduanant and I was at time SAHM - 20 + weeks and people kept suggesting abortion to me - DH had new job just before birth so it was only a few months and we managed with savings we had. It was fucking shock it have it constantly suggested but people don't just don't think.

I do think he done with you OP - it's very nasty and shocking but you have a job you have a roof over your head - you need to take a breath then start planning how you do this alone.

@Brokennn

Obviously, do not contact him going forward. And frankly I wouldn't be contacting my mum either. TBH when I first read what she said I thought "Oh, OP's made a typo, she surely meant HIS mum, not her own!". But at any rate, what she said was cruel and unnecessary. If she did feel you were 'calling too much' (not saying you were) there are kinder and gentler ways to handle it.

Do you have any other people to lean on? Friends or relatives? You may also want to contact Gingerbread or Support For The Family who I understand offer support for single parents. Perhaps they know of a group that you might benefit from. Or perhaps short term counseling to 'come to terms' with things may help you.

So, he wants a DNA test? Fine. If he's so 'sure', there are prenatal blood DNA tests that are 99% accurate. Tell him you're willing and that he can pay for it. I will caution, however, that if you feel you're going to want to NOT put him on the birth certificate so he won't have parental rights (often a wise move if a man isn't going to be involved) having a DNA test will allow him to establish his rights through the courts, should he choose to. If you plan to claim maintenance you'll have to have one after the baby is born anyway.

Take a deep breath. You are stronger than you think and you will get through this. I know it probably doesn't help but you are not the first nor will you be the last pregnant woman a man has walked out on. They have survived, even thrived, and so will you.

i wasn't advising her to have one just highlighting her options. There are women who do, lets not start shaming those women who choose to

Sorry your not the discussion word police

I never said I was the "discussion word police". I just don't think it's helpful and I'm not the only person who has said so. I have the right to my opinion the same as you do

Yes, you will be a lone parent.

Yes, you will afford the things because this absolute loser will pay you child support.

You will cope with the birth and recovery because new mothers are forced to cope and having a boyfriend around won’t make things easier for you.

He is fine. You are transferring your anxiety onto him. He doesn’t care about you. He is fine without you. He is denying paternity and has engaged solicitors.

Stop all contact with him. This POS illegally evicted you from your home.

Don’t tell him when the baby is born. You give your child your last name and name him/her whatever you want. As soon as your baby is born put this loser on child support.

I know it’s so so hard to think in these terms now, but the day will come when you are thankful that he showed his true colours to you before he had the chance to meet your baby and that your child won’t grow up with such a damaging person in their life. 💕

The UK limit is around 23 weeks and so many days I think - she is past it at 26 weeks.

She'd only be allowed one now in cases where there were pretty serious medical problems plus she'd have to go though a birth.

It's very unlikey it's an actual option and as someone who people kept "helpfully" suggesting it to for short term problem a very wanted baby already kicking in my body - it was distressing to hear.

Op I know a lot of women who end up lone parents - as men fucked off in pg or afterwards - it's always daunting but they do all manage - you have a job and a somewhere to live - it may not be anywhere near what you planned - but he's shown you can't rely on him. TBH I say don't contact again - don't put on BC and focus your time and energy on you and the baby.

And we dont know ops medical mental health status. Hence why i mentioned going to her GP or Midwife to discuss available support. Poor Mental health can effect your ability to take care of a baby.

@Brokennn please please do not give your baby his surname. You won't even be allowed to leave the country without his permission. Just don't do it!

Could you afford a birth doula to support you with the birth?

Oh yes, I agree. He's nuts. Totally. Not to mention a complete bastard. But 10 weeks later to still be such a mess she can't function when the baby is coming within a couple of months is worrying.

Long term, she's clearly much better off without the useless sperm donor because he sounds totally dysfunctional. But at some point, she's got to get it together in order to be able to cope. She left over 2 months ago and has 2 months of pregnancy left. She can't fall totally apart or her safety to care for the child may be called into question.

There's still civil harassment. But agree, if she only contacts his lawyers going forward, she should be fine.

If someone can't take a call, they can't take a call; but would you really go on to say, to your distressed and broken child, that they are harassing you, and that someone's cruel and inhumane towards them is justifiable, as OPs mother has? Really?

OP please don’t put him on baby’s birth certificate, even if that might be needed to claim child support, it’s just not worth it for a couple of hundred a month. It will give him the freedom to make your life hell.
My friend’s ex and father of her son told her he didn’t want to be in the baby’s life, the second her son turned three and he was no longer a boring little baby and now more of a fun little boy, he got in touch and made demands to see the boy, etc. prior to this, and even without him being in the little boy’s life, my friend has had to ask him by email every time she’s wanted to take a holiday, and every time she’s just got a reply saying “you do not have my permission to take him abroad”. There is nothing she can do