26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Did you ever meet his family? Could he have a partner and kids already? His behaviour is cruel. Change your number and take him to cms.

I don't particularly agree that the OP should be advised on here to get the baby adopted or have a termination but this is her choice to make.

I would assess whether you want to involve this man at all.

Is it better to put him on the birth certificate, claim child maintenance, arrange contact perhaps.

Or is it better to completely cut contact, act as a truly single parent and forget him? Don’t add him to the birth certificate, don’t claim CMS, nothing.

Only you know the answer to this. I know what I’d do but then I’m not you.

I mean this really kindly because I know you’re pregnant and upset, but I think seeing a counsellor would be money well spent. You need to be strong for you and your child no matter what happens j. The future.

take care OP.

Get a sheet of paper. Drawn a line from top to bottom. On one side write positive things about your life. On the other negative things.

I will start you off with the positive:

you are happy to be pregnant

the pregnancy is going well

you are healthy

you have somewhere to live which is your own property

you have a job

you have family

you know now that your ex is a dick pretending to be a decent human being, hold this thought if he comes crawling

you are finding an inner strength you didn’t know you had

It's turned out quite sensible that she did keep her own place. She went away for a few days because he spent night after night staring into space and then they were having massive rows

You think someone being dumped at 18 weeks pregnant is ok - you've been really unsupportive of the OP throughout this thread.

All he had to do was send one email back saying don't contact me again

He’s a nasty bastard and now you know 💐

You can also block someone's number and email address if you really do not want to talk to someone. I had someone harassing me at Christmas. I blocked their number. It took less than a minute

This

No she needs to claim cms. The choice isnt hers unfortunatly men can be flakey he may well want to be a father at some point. OP needs every penny out of principle. Hes got money for a solicitor.... so let the man pay once baby is born.

Is it common for you to constantly ring and ring if you don’t get an answer?

OP, 16 years I fell accidentally pregnant. With twins.

I split up with my ex when I was about six weeks pregnant. The plan would have been to co-parent. I asked how much involvement he wanted.

I never heard from him again.

I didn’t know what I was going to do, I had zero savings and a mortgage to pay. But I figured it out, step by step.

My DC are 16 yrs old now. Having them was the best thing I ever did. And although it was hard at times, being single was better as I didn’t need to worry about a relationship or getting someone else’s opinion on how to parent. I loved being able to pick my babies’ names without having to consider another parent’s views!!

I didn’t put him on the birth certificate (obviously) and I never claimed CMS although it would have really helped.

Do you have someone who can go to the scans with you? Who would be your birth partner? Do you have a good friend?

Just focus on planning for you and your baby. Fuck this loser.

And pregnancy hormones can make you a little crazy at times. My midwife was amazing - she really helped me through my pregnancy. I suffer with anxiety anyway (I’m autistic) and she was such a support.

The best thing you can do right now is to forget him and start making plans for what your life will look like. Get a support network in place. What part of the country are you in?

He may have.

But regardless, silence is an answer.

We always tell women to block or ignore ex partners.

We only know that OP tried getting into his house, annoyed her mum by constantly contacting until she felt harassed and admitted to texting and emailing her ex every day.
She seems quite intense.
So it may be that he felt this was his only option.

Yes, an unmarried father's name can be added to the birth certificate if he is not present, but only if the mother brings a signed Statutory Declaration of Acknowledgement of Parentage. Without this document or the father's presence, the mother can register the birth alone, but his details will not be included

ive now checked and this hasn't changed

You seem well able to post on the internet so obviously you are released from your secure room occasionally? It is at that point you can do what most decent mothers would do and support their children.

You are being repeatedly unpleasant to the op, are you enjoying yourself kicking someone when they are down?

He's done with you, has asked for a DNA test wtf. He's probably out on the town, dating again.

Move on. Go for child support and enjoy your baby.

Hi op what a horrible coward he is. Blanking you then calling it harassment. Op if I was you I would contact the solicitor and say no contact suits me and no dna test will be done he doesn’t want this child so he won’t be involved thank you for clarification that he was still alive after all but just to much of a coward to answer my calls and text tell him he wins he will never hear from you again. Op this will help you not have to go through any custody issues with him. Oh and your mum was horrible to you kicking you when you are already down it’s not what a mum should do or say.

Really, you couldn’t manage a room of students for a five minute phone call to speak to your pregnant and distraught daughter? I find that quite astonishing.

@Brokennn This guy is an absolute tool, your life will be much better without him. I’m fairly surprised a solicitors letter would even be possible at this stage, I can’t see what legal threshold has been reached for harassment. Unless he’s very wealthy and can get someone to misuse their title and letterhead. And if he is, good news for your CMS award.

Try to be around friends and family, look forward to the future and push thoughts of this loser from your mind. It’s hard at first but it gets easier.

If you've been sending numerous emails/texts and making calls daily, then legally, that's harassment. Yes, all he had to do was reply to the first email saying 'Stop contacting me, I don't want any contact with you from this point onwards'. He didn't. He decided to go down the legal route and ask for a DNA test as well.

Your ex is telling you very clearly, that he's not interested in the baby. Going forward you will be a single Mum. Even if he does decide he wants to co-parent, your actual relationship is dead in the water. There's no coming back from being treated so utterly dreadful. Once the baby is born, I would then organise a DNA test...if necessary go through your own solicitors. Once the DNA comes back as your ex being the Dad, then claim CMS. Unless of course, your ex is asking for a DNA test to try and give a false sample, so the test comes back negative, and he can absolve himself of any responsibility!! He wouldn't be the first to try this.

You need real life support. Family/friends. Tell your midwife too. You have your own home and you work, so you are in a good position, in that sense. You will get through this, but I appreciate at the moment it doesn't feel that way.

Maybe if you've been in a relationship for a year and then get pregnant and then your partner gives you the silent treatment and then huge rows started she's felt better out of the situation - she had been living in his house for the past year. She was trying to get back into the house she had been living in for a year - to find the locks changed.

She stated that she had no response from him before he went to lawyers

Oh please. Talk about tone deaf. Hes behaved completely appallingly from start to finish

She doesn't have to respond to the solicitor - and I don't think she should until she gets advice herself. Citizens advice maybe

You do understand that the OP is probably suffering from a lot of anxiety at the moment?

This is just awful. You are being treated horrendously and your mother should show you a bit of compassion.
it will be a tough time in pregnancy and with a little baby but you will get through it.
he will no doubt circle back around but I hope you can tell him where to go when he suddenly wants access.

I have to say, if only the first few hours of a break up are hard for you, you should definitely write a self help book. Being upset 10 weeks after breaking up with a man she planned to have kids with, and is now pregnant by, is hardly surprising. She’s found herself a single parent by a man who won’t even speak to her. If she’s contacted him every day, yes that’s mad, but we don’t know either way and to change the locks and ignore someone having your child is equally batshit.

Turning it around on you to say you are harassing him makes me so angry. You are not “too intense” you reaction is part of the normal spectrum of reactions to ridiculous behaviour.