26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

Why are you assuming the OP has poor mental health or any medical issues - she hasn't mentioned any.

She is understandably upset because she been treated very badly by her ex partner and her mum's not great comments on top.

I've no idea either about OP medical status and while seeking HCP advice is always wise most women know termination is an option till legal dates are past.

I can say from personnal experince glib just get an abortion comments when past legal limits and not wanting one was hurtful not helpful.

That did not mean I was ever judging women who had legal abortions as your post implied - just that many people who suggest it are incredibly ignorant about how it works past 20 weeks and the legal requirments.

The OP had a shock - she'supset and hurt by her ex and her mother's actions as most people would be.

While I agree that she shouldn’t give the baby his surname, if she did she would not be stopped leaving the country.

the child’s name is irrelevant when travelling. Being married to or with the father is also irrelevant.

What matters is that permission from all those with PR. So if he’s on the birth certificate she will need a letter stating she has permission to leave the country.

If he is not on the birth certificate he does not have PR had she does not need his permission, regardless of whose name the child has.

just wanted to point this out as I regularly see the myth that different name to child means you can’t travel. That is incorrect and you need permission documents in any case.

He doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate for OP to claim child maintenance either, though a DNA test will be required by them if he denies paternity. He will need to pay for this test, though it will be refunded if it shows he’s not the father. If he is unable to pay, the services may pay for it but he’ll need to pay them back if it’s positive.

Hi OP, my ex left me for another woman when I was 3 months pregnant - he'd said he wanted to get married and have kids for ages and then abandoned me. Also I got fired for being pregnant (whole other story). It was awful and I've never felt so low and didn't know how I'd get through it but I did. I think I pretty much cried every day - especially with the hormones. I now have a wonderful toddler and a lovely new partner who is incredible with my son and I know we're better off than with my ex.

The advice I can give you is just try and look after yourself, surround yourself with good friends and family (apart from your mum maybe), go to your doctor and get counselling (you'll be a priority). Focus on the baby and what you need for them. Do nice things you enjoy such as cinema, reading or yoga before the baby arrives. Focus on you as you can't control your asshole of an ex unfortunately.

Oh course you can do it, 1000’s do it alone
You have a choice
you go it alone (he doesn’t want the child)
or
you terminate VERY SOON

I have never read anything so cruel, he didn’t have the bottle to say it to you that he did not want the child.
The keep phoning/texting must of been a lot for him to go to the measure he did
” a solicitors letter” there not FREE
He acted how he feels so leave him alone, you will get done for harassment
Dont waste your time & energy on someone who doesn’t want to hear from you.

get some self esteem back , make your decision and leave him out of it.
your wasting your time , energy and self respect

Your in shock at tge moment

Ugh what a rat.
Don't contact him again. Have absolutely zero nothing nada to do with him in any way, shape or form. Don't even tell him when the baby is born, what gender it is or its name.
Live in your house, have your job, and raise your child your way, with your family and friends and with zero input in any way from this vile piece of filth.

To be honest I didn’t really get the impression she was a mess all the time, just shocked and upset by the allegedly legal contact.

Agree she needs to get it together, but I didn’t feel there was enough info to be sure she hadn’t.

He doesn't want the baby. He doesn't want the responsibility and expense of being a father. Hence the DNA test. He will make you fight for every penny he gives you.

Then, when the child is a bit older, walking, talking, a real person, he will start to think that maybe he wants a relationship with this fruit of his loins after all. And you will encourage it, because every child deserves to know its father. And your kid may even come to love their father. And it will be hard.

I’m not going to add anything original or say anything that hasn’t already been said, but this is not all on you. It’s not some great secret that no contraception is 100% effective and you didn’t impregnate yourself. You don’t love this man. You love the man you thought he was. So you have the heartbreak of losing him, and finding out that version of him never actually existed in the first place. That is going to be a pain that nothing can heal except time. Eventually, he won’t be the first thing you think of when you wake up. You’ll think of him and it will be with anger, rather than pain, and then eventually, with nothing at all. And then you’ll reach the stage where you’ll be glad it happened because it stopped you from wasting your life with a man who wasn’t committed to you.

You cannot contact him again. Or any of his family. You just can’t. That letter from his solicitor is all the closure that he’s ever going to give you. You cannot rely on him for help. He’s not going to want a relationship with you, or with your baby. And as painful and scary as it is to think you’ll be on your own, you will manage, because women manage every day of the week. Make the maintenance claim. And let him have his DNA test if that’s what he wants. You’re not doing it for him; you’re doing it for your child so they never have a doubt in their mind that this excuse for a man is their father.

Keep that solicitor’s letter. Because, in years to come, nobody can ever claim that you didn’t try. Not him, not his family and not your child.

Hear, hear

(He has no doubt that it’s his child though. He’s just being a cock.)

I have taken my children abroad without my exs permission I think this applies when there is a court order in place. It would be simpler op if you do not use his surname and if you don’t need his money do not put him on the birth certificate. I wouldn’t give take one day at a time make a plan of what you and the baby need. Little steps.

I wouldn't let him know. He doesn't deserve that courtesy. The first he should know about it is when the CMS letter arrives for him.

I know the op doesn’t need to respond but that fact the guy is a coward I would do it just so he knows that he is a coward because he is. Op gets the last word.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you at what should be a joyful time.

One thing that stands out from your post is that you have been living with him for a year and you hadn't got round to renting out your house. Obviously this is a godsend now and it makes me wonder if this really is as much of a surprise as you say it is? A years rent is a lot of money to forego without a reason. I wonder if you had a niggling gut feeling that he wasn't someone you could rely on 100% and you held on to your flat 'just in case?'

Keep your eye on the prize here. In 4 months time you will be a mum. That's a gift, even in these less than perfect circumstances. Do what you need to do to establish paternity and ensure he has to step up financially so when your baby arrives you are able to focus on them.

He has done this because he is a pathetic spineless dickweed.

It is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong.

He is hoping to make the baby go away, we'll he can't. The little toad will have to pay your child money for the rest of their life. Don't be too proud. It is your child's money.

OP, I am OUTRAGED on your behalf. He has a lovely little baby on the way, and he does this? Pearls before swine. Absolute pearls before swine.

Put him on the birth certificate and take his money. I'm sure you don't want to, and it might stick in your gullet to do so, but your child really deserves that support. Do it for him/her.

You can make a lovely life for yourself and the baby. You don't need this worthless piece of shite dragging you down. And can I just say, what an ABSOLUTE BABY! So threatened and intimidated by the thought of an actual baby that he reacts as if you've put a bomb under him? It would be cartoonishly funny if it wasn't so awful. I have an image in my head of a cartoon man wailing like a child and then disappearing over the horizon because his cartoon partner is pregnant. I mean, talk about an over-reaction! I don't know about you, but my fanny would be drier than the Sahara Desert whenever I thought of him, after this. He's the opposite of a cool, calm protector and provider. Just a toddler at heart. You can't take his rejection seriously, because it's just so childish. At least you'll only have one baby to care for, not two!

You will be so happy when your baby is here. Honestly, I'm single after a long marriage to a massive baby, and it's the best thing ever.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! 🐣👶🐥🍼👩‍🍼🚼

Op gets the last word.

There is a baby involved here. There will be a lifetime of negotiating child support and maybe visitation if the dad changes his attitude. There won't be any 'last word'.

I agree with this, as someone who has been through similar.

Seeing as OP hasn’t responded about her repeatedly calling her mum, I’m willing to bet there’s more to the story. The level of calls etc would have to be huge for the solicitor to agree it constitutes harassment.

Put him on the birth certificate and take his money. I'm sure you don't want to, and it might stick in your gullet to do so, but your child really deserves that support. Do it for him/her.

@NameChangeMay2026
OP can’t put him on the birth certificate without his written acceptance of paternity, or his presence at the registration, or by court order.

It’s a bad idea anyway as it gives him parental responsibility and thus input into decisions regarding the child. (He can seek this via the courts later if he really wants it.)

His name does not need to be on the birth certificate to claim child maintenance from him.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate as that gives him Parental Responsibilty and input into the child’s life. He can refuse permission for the child to go on holiday, vaccinations, what school, apply for access etc.

he can’t go on the birth certificate anyway unless he accompanies o/p to the registry office or gives written permission.

o/p can still apply for child support even if he is not on the birth certificate. It is on him to prove he is not the father or to apply to get himself added to the birth certificate.

whose name the child gets makes no difference. She can call him Dave smith- that doesn’t mean Mr Smith down the road gets parental responsibility.

so much misinformation and casual bad advice thrown around.

Seriously?? In this day and age of paternity tests?? This law needs to be updated.

As a single mum who's ex left when I was pregnant, you can't put them on the birth certificate if they're not present. @Brokennn it makes things easier. My son has my surname and actually I love not having to ask some dickhead ex for permission to go anywhere or do anything. I actually don't get CMS as he lives abroad and it's a long story, but I would apply if I was you.

I stand corrected.

The most important thing is that OP is able to access CMS. If the BC situation doesn't change that, all well and good.

OP is past the legal limit and is pregnant with a wanted child.