Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I get it, OP. I hope my DD will be a homebird at heart and want to spend summers at home. I highly doubt it'll happen that way though. Like PPs have said, all you can do is be proud you've raised an independent adult and enjoy the visits when they happen.

I went to uni and soon relised how suffering my mother really was.
I went home twice and it was awful shopping making plans i did it to keep her happy at the time.

After the second visit i didnt go home anymore, some parents say they feel freedome when kids leave home, i was the one that felt free this time.
I got a full time job and small studio flat and dropped out of uni, i never told my mother as she was the one constanly braging about it to her friends, it was not what i wanted.

But with my new found freedom i done thing i wanted my way without her in my ear.

I managed to get a new home still have my job 28 years later that i moved up in and love it.

Sometimes op its not the kids that are the problem its the parents that want us to have a special bond some of us just dont have that and we see how suffering parents can be when we get away.

I do wish she’d wanted to go to uni nearer home.

I'm not surprised she chose a place further away. You sound kind of suffocating. She's settled in where she's at for the time being.

I do think daughters are usually different and stay closer.

That's not true from what I've seen. They leave the nest too.

Your daughter sounds safe and happy and is gaining independence. Don't be laying guilt trips on her for that. She's not here to meet your emotional needs. You're going to need to get out and make some friends that can do things you enjoy with you and have your own life. You've done a good job so far so pat yourself on the back.

My mother put unbearable pressure on me to ‘come home’ in my summer breaks. I hated being at home and longed to be independent. The emotional blackmail and expectation was overwhelming and smothering and our relationship has never recovered. Build a life for yourself where she in not at the centre.

I just feel I live in the past all the time, thinking of how great things once were.

Empty nest syndrome is a real thing OP. It's a form of grief, and like all grief, it's best to work through it if you can, with professional help if need be.

Life changes can be very hard. If raising your daughter was the happiest period of your life, the change can feel devastating. But your devastation is not your DD's responsibility or burden to carry. Letting her fly free now that she's an adult is the most loving thing you can do for her.

Acknowledging that you're grieving is the first step really. There's lots of help and advice about empty nest syndrome out there. Facing it is the first step. All the best OP.

I absolutely hate comments like this. This happens because we expect this of young men and then raise them accordingly. It's quite insulting and unpleasant for mums of sons to be told this repeatedly.

Aside from that, op I think you sound quite enmeshed as your posts go on. To suggest you'd wish your dd was financially struggling and therefore forced to live with you is quite telling. You've not responded to the suggestion that you go see her and have a holiday period together that way. It sounds like you are really wanting to dwell in the emotions around having an "empty nest". If you're just looking to vent then fair enough, we all need to do that at times, but when you're finished dwelling then you need to look at how you can fill your summer in a different way, plan a little holiday with your dd, keep yourself busy and invest in other friendships and making new friendships and if it's making you really low then go for counselling.

Your dd has done well for herself. It's your job as her parent to financially support her during education and it has no relevance here that you help her in that way. You're in an emotionally hard place that we all come to at some point provided our children are healthy and able and it's what we raise them for.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get some hobbies and make your life fuller. I think feeling this devastated is OTT. And it’s lovelt you like her so much but you sound really needy. Wishing she was financially tied to home etc. You’ve not said you are but make sure you’re not guilting her at all and don’t become that parent that does the emotional guilt trip.

Missing your child when they go to University is normal, and acceptable...

Saying 'after all the money I have forked out for her, she does THIS to me, she doesn't come home for the summer!......'

Not so much.

That's why I wonder if there's deeper/underlying issues, and actual reasons why the daughter is choosing to stay away.....

I really do not agree with PPs saying you sound suffocating, OP. What's oppressive about hoping to have a last summer or two with your kid at home? Perfectly normal, but also perfectly reasonable that she has other plans, sadly for you.

What's with the lack of empathy?

Do we have the same mother lol.

My mother wanted me to stay close to home i chose one hundreds of miles away.

Yeah, wishing your adult child was financially tied to you so they can't leave you is a bit disturbing.

Did you not see the bit where the OP said 'after all I have paid out for her!' Like it's transactional. I did this for her, how DARE she not come home for summer?

And the OP also said she wishes her daughter was financially dependent on her so she couldn't leave home.........

You really cannot see an issue with this?

Come on!

.

i know someone with two DDs. Both have partners and children. One DD lives in a city about an hour away; the other lives next door to her mum. I know what in my heart of hearts I’d prefer but obviously both are totally reasonable things for adult women to do.

You should be happy you have raised an independent, hard working and forward thinking daughter.

@Lemonmeringue76 would you really want to raise an adult who didn’t feel able to live further away than next door

Shouldn't her daughter appreciate her mother and compromise. I get that young people lack maturity to see things from other peoples point of view. The op wants to feel appreciated any emotionally stable adult can see that.

You need to let go op.

I take it you would want your daughter to live next door to you thats not heathly.
Let her go and spread her wings.

Children living that close to parents is a rarity now. It seems like you're looking with very rose tinted glasses at what others are doing. It's not going to help you doing that op. I'm sure you know lots of people who's children don't live nearby.

The mom here wants to use her daughter as her companion and for emotional validation and safety. She needs other outlets for that, she's trying to be super enmeshed with her daughter and the daughter is taking some distance from her.

It's completely normal to start being more independent as you gain confidence in living away from your parents. I went travelling/working most of the Summers with my BF when I was at uni in the late 70s and only had the odd long weekend back at my parents. You need to chill.

@Shitshowpolitics ,NO child or adult child should ever be guilt tripped in to coming home.
They have to grow up they want inderpendece and we should be proud of that.

Not wanting our kids at home for as long as we can or every free time they have, or even liveing next door, cut the apron strings.

You think the dd should give up the opportunity to work and earn in order to appease her mothers need to have her home? I'm not being funny but where does that end? She's being very smart especially if she's going into final year the more she works and saves over the summer the less she needs to work in term time and focus on her study. The dd sounds like she's being very practical and hard working, not just cold and selfish. We can want whatever we want for or from our children but they're their own people at the end of the day and they have to be empowered to follow their own goals.

@Shitshowpolitics compromise in what way?

Most uni contracts these days are for 46-49 weeks so makes no difference.

The op is not toxic for missing her daughter and wishing she would come home. Her daughter is not toxic for wanting to get a summer job near her uni. What is troubling to read is the posters who lack empathy, understanding and maturity to have a conversation. The op isn't in any battle with any of you but still you keep on pushing.