Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

OP, be pleased your DD is stretching her wings and gaining independence - is that not what we bring our DC up to do? I can’t tell you how much you don’t want her to be someone who fails to launch - be pleased for your DD, and maybe ask her when would be convenient to see her, and rent an Airbnb where she is for a couple of days. She will come home to see you, so don’t despair! I know you’re feeling disappointed now, but the fact that your DD has the confidence not to come home means you have been a good parent to her.

I do know a few families with adult children who live in the same road, and can't seem to pull themselves away from their mum. It's nice to have a close mother/daughter relationship, but without exception, the adult women who live really close to their mother have really co-dependent relationships with really needy mothers, (and the adult daughters become needy and dependent too...) Sometimes it's sons as well as daughters...) But it's daughters moreso... And they see each other every single day (like spend 1-2 hours a day together, not just 'in passing.') They are never encouraged to go to University, or travel, or leave the area.

A few families I know (like this) all live within 10 minutes walk of one another. Parents, grandparents, siblings, their children, their cousins and aunts and uncles, the grandchildren etc... It's so weird and very insular. They very rarely have any friends, it's just this intense, very close extended family dynamic, with a matriarch who is usually 55-60+, who is mortified at the thought of ANY of them moving any further than 1 mile away.

On the rare occasion any of them have the courage to leave the area, they are pushed out, and rarely included in anything.

My 2 DC (both in their early 30s,) live around 15-20 miles away, and that's fine with me - and them!

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I feel she could have worked her home job and saved as much money and also would have had free food and bills all summer.

Use your imagination

Just a really mean comment when the Op is feeling sad, like a normal person would when their child is away

Even although it’s normal progress, it’s hard and ok to feel sad

An hour is nothing. Whilst I sympathised with the sentiment of your OP I'm a bit concerned by your updates.

(Also, semi jokingly, the one who lives next door to her mum will have a thread on here at some point about boundaries)

@QuadrupleH or the partner will be posting somewhere about their MIL

Yes, this... I suspect this is why the daughter isn't coming home for the summer.

It was pretty much like that for DD. Her university city and new friends were much more interesting than our village. Her school friends stayed in their university cities as well so there wasn't much for her here.

I expected this though. DD stayed in her university city after graduating and worked there, then went to another university for post grad.

I don't expect her to move back home.

If she moved home for the summer, she could save money (free food, fewer bills) and would not need to work during the school term. I teach at a college, and I see firsthand the impact that working part-time during the term has on students' grades and their stress levels.

@Lemonmeringue76 you posted earlier that most of her local friends won’t be available during the holidays. At this age friends should be much more her social circle than her mum. Assume there will be social life in uni town

The op was talking about someone she knows. I know a woman who's daughter lives next door to her it happens. Nothing wrong with compromising and thinking of others. Even if it's for one weekend. Independence doesn't start until they leave uni. They are still being nannied.

I get why you are sad, but you should also be proud of her independence. She has done really well, job, friends, flat, and she is very happy. This is a good sign for future independence. It means you have done a great job.

I pretty much left home at 18 for Uni, then my parents moved overseas to the far east when I was 19 so that was it, no home to go back to, but a nice holiday once or twice a year.It certainly made me very independent.

Anyway, it isn’t wrong to feel sad that she has moved on, but she has and now you need to fill the gap so that you aren’t just moping.

OP I understand your devastation that your daughter isn't coming home for the summer, but you should feel proud that she is working and feels confident enough to spend time away from you. She knows you will always be there for her . You know what, she may hate it... probably all her uni mates will be away but she obviously sees an opportunity to make good money and work. It's hard to let them go...I know I have 4 but I'm always so proud when they break away and do what they want to do ❤️.

Should she not visit her mum for one weekend. With the cost of living crisis I hope it does work out for her it's not that easy. Most youngsters are going back home because of insane rents. I tell my kids all the time when you finish your studies get a good job and save for your forever home. We don't ask for a penny from them. I don't want my kids relying on the state because of their own ego for freedom.

My sons uni accomodation was 48 weeks so he's be paying whether or not he stayed in it

@Shitshowpolitics there is nothing to say that the DD won’t visit or OP can’t visit her.

If DS had to move home due to COL or lack of graduate jobs available I will love him being home but sad for him that he has these barriers to move forward

Go and visit her!

Seriously OP, maybe you need to start getting a hobby or travelling more, to stop you obsessing over your DD not coming home as much as your friends. It’s not good to compare so much and you sound like she was your whole world. But you can’t have that pressure on her as she tries to make her own way.

I understand. My ds1 is at uni and he is loving it. He is so happy there. I miss him so much and after he goes back after the holidays I always cry. He is coming back home this summer but I know he prefers it at uni where there is more stuff going on and he can choose what to eat etc. He loves it when we go to see him but it's hard getting childcare for the younger dc so we don't go as much as I'd like. I think it won't be long before he doesn't come home for the holidays.

Perhaps not consciously. But the OP said she feels "absolutely devastated" her DD isn't coming home this summer. And she says feels she lives "in the past all the time, thinking of how great things once were".

Do you really think her DD doesn't sense that?

That must be hard. I suppose the lesson is not to assume. Is it where you live? I mean less appealing than uni place. If friends staying around etc more fun. Relationship? Means nothing about how the future unfolds. Have you got plenty of of your own stuff on? Can you plan a holiday with her?

But she prefers to do something different now, in a different place, with different people. Which is completely normal. She's exploring the possibilities of life, as she should.

@Lemonmeringue76 do you have a partner? A job? What do you do to keep yourself occupied whilst DD is at uni during term time?

Even people with uni degrees struggle to get a first home. I met a woman who moved back home after working in London for 5 years after she graduated so she could save for her first house. Going through your 20's is a challenge until they hit their 30's and the real world starts calling them.

I gave up my ‘home’ job and didn’t go back for the summer from the 2nd year onwards. I lived in house share once I finished uni and never returned to my family home.

I was just very independent and wanted to do new and different things.

I think it’s a good thing and shows she’s happy and settled where she is living, but totally get from the other side being a Mum why it’s disappointing.

Suggest to book some new things in to look forwards to over the summer, perhaps with friends?