Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

it sounds like you’re very close which is wonderful. Can you visit her for some long weekends ?
and /or book a nice summer holiday together?

I understand this so so much. I’m always shocked on threads like this that everyone doesn’t feel like this. Yes of course good to be independent etc - we know this - but it doesn’t change the emptiness and sadness of not having her there to do normal things. She might change her mind though - can she really afford it?

Yes the rent is paid anyhow as it’s a 52 week lease. She reckons she’ll get between 20-30 hours of work so that’s between £250-350 a week so that will leave her with ample to live on and still save as well for next year at uni.

Hi - I think that you should be proud that your daughter is becoming independent and not take it as a rejection. However, I understand what you are saying. You will miss her not being home and there will be void in your heart. That is painful. That is love. But as parents we have to let our children tread their own path while always being a safe harbour for them. Your daughter will be happy if she sees you living your own life as that will give her the confidence to live hers as she wants…

Hang on! Who reported my post telling somebody not to be an arse? That's not a personal attack. There's been sone real vitriol aimed at the OP and I get deleted?

I think it’s normal. Me and all my friends stayed at uni. That’s her life now. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It means you’ve been successful

@Lemonmeringue76

Can you not get on board that you have brought up a child to be independent ?

I would love to see a child of my up bringing fly

( I dont have children, just grandchildren and step children )

None of them are from me, but I care for them all , and living with the choices that the ( step ) children made, it was hard to keep quiet

But they are doing ok, one is a high flyer, one is a homebody keeping it altogether , never going to be a high flyer but has a happy home

We always want more for our children, but we also need to understand and accept life is so different We lived with less Now everyone "needs' wants everything

You need to somehow get past these feelings. It’s very hard, I get that, but you need to live your life as the mother of a young adult, not a child. Yearning for the past will not help you to have an adult to adult relationship with your daughter that allows her the freedom to grown and be independent.

My 2 went in the army when they turned 18.
And i loved it they have been home twice since then, both now in their 20s and i get a post card with their face on it, or a call every 3 months, flowers sent via post on my bithday and mothers day.

At first it was not hard it was different, and i was and still am very proud to have raised two boys into two inderpendent men.

They will always have a home they know where the door is day or night.
But they have a life and i want them to live it.
I have have a new chapter now.

When i was packing up thier bedroom a few years back, i knew they was not coming home again like it use to be.
But it was like packing up the life i had delt with and now starting a new one with a new chapter.
And tbh i love it i love my freedome love the fact i know they are doing what they love, and love that they are inderpendent i`ll always be their mum but they dont need me like they did, i will always be a mom but i dont do parenting anymore.

Op what im saying is the best thing ive learned is watching them grow in to inderpendent adults, knowing their going be just fine without me.
So now i do my thing clubs hobbies seeing more of mates doing me things.

I never want my chilchren to cling to me, i didnt want a bond so strong we couldnt be apart for to long, we love eachother dearly but they have a life to live, and so do i.

wtf? No. Girls usually do the same thing as boys. They grow up and live their own lives

That's a really sound logic and you should be proud of raising a DD with such a positive work ethic.

Is there any way you could go and stay with her, or perhaps book into an AirBnB nearby so you can spend a bit more time together? Is she planning on coming home even for a week or two?

I was at Uni in the 1990s and I came home for Christmas and Easter, but never over the summer. Like your DD I always had full-time jobs and was too busy growing into the person my parents hoped I would become.

I know you miss her, but she is happy and doing well. Be happy for her.

I look at my daughters room each morning as I keep it open for air flow then remind myself she’s not going to “live” there again only stay for holidays. When her and her boyfriend are here in the summer they will be in the spare room. Might as well let the dog have free rein in “persons” room lol

This is not true at all.
My sister has 3 girls and a boy.
All her daughters left home before her son did, 2 went to uni and never came back, only for short visit chit chat, the other to moved out at 19 now have kids of their own.

Well this is a shitty comment.

I think you need to be proud your daughter is “launching” into adulthood successfully when so many don’t. I understand it’s an adjustment being the first summer without her. Time to make some plans to visit her in her world and go off and do other things for you. I imagine it hits hard though - my dd goes to uni in September and I’ll miss her, we all will. Her uni encourages internships over summer so I’m preparing for the time she doesn’t come home. Watching your dc grow is rewarding but when the go there’s a hole.

I think it’s okay to be sad. I would welcome her making more money so she can pay her more of her own rent etc.
Then I would have more money.

My DD graduates this summer. She’s made a life for herself in her uni city and will move onto a neighbouring city for either a masters or work. She has a boyfriend down there and is moving into his house with their housemates in September. I’m really pleased for her. She still has her job in her home town and she will travel up and down for work and to see boyfriend and friends.

I think it’s sarcasm 😂😂

I never went home for summer. Not because I don’t love my mum and dad, but because I was in Edinburgh! I had to pay rent over summer anyway, but I was in a new city! A beautiful fun city! They came to me and I loved hosting the (separately, because they’re divorced) it made me feel gown up. I also had to work over summer, in order to pay the rent.

Also “I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy“ is such a weird thing to say. If you can afford to and want to pay your child’s rent then that’s one thing, but this is such a fucked up way to look at it… surly you’re paying her rent so she can focus on her work and not get in debt or whatever? If it’s transactional you should have laid it out before she left…

The comment is a little aggressive towards the op who is expressing normal human emotion. The op has not stopped her daughter she is only feeling sad that's all.

Yes, shitty sarcasm 😂😂

OP, I completely understand your disappointment. I used to feel so excited about collecting my son from uni for the holidays and loved him being at home. Ignore the negative comments, your feelings are normal for a loving parent. Maybe see if your daughter would like to come back for shorter periods when she has leave from work rather than the full summer break. Could you book a holiday together for a week and/or plan to visit her?

TBH I like her home but my god she makes so much mess! And the increase to the shopping bill. She has her own house from mid July