Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I think this is cobblers though.

We have one of each and both came home some of the time in the holidays, but not all of it, and neither ever lived back at home after graduating. I'm one of 4 sisters (no brothers) and we scattered all over the country after graduation and this was back in the 60s and 70s. As for grandparents' involvement, DH and I never lived close to either set of parents after we married, but both sets stayed in touch and cared, despite them all still being busy with full-time jobs when our children were small.

Are you quite an intense smother mother?

Christ! She just loves her DD and enjoys spending time with her. I expect it's mutual.

What makes you want your children to live with you well into their adult life? Do you have a partner, friends, hobbies, work? Are you otherwise happy and fulfilled in life?

My dd is a couple of years further ahead. She came home the first summer only and then stayed at uni. Student rent is for 12 months and she would have had to quit her job to take that long off.

Of course I missed her but she is living her life. She now has a full time job on her uni city and that is her home now. And I couldn’t be more proud of her!

Please get rid of the sexiest nonsense that daughters need to stay closer to home. And give your head a wee wobble that you want her to struggle financially so she has to move back in with you.

See, I disagree there. I know they are legal adults, but most are still very dependent on their parents to pay for everything while they're students. I don't consider a child to be a true adult until they're funding their own lives.

I do know that some people are hyper-independent from a young age, though. Sounds like you were the same. I absolutely did not want to return home after uni, but I didn't mind when I was still there. I didn't really understand the rush to be independent, myself. Perhaps partly it was because I LOVED my parents' house and my bedroom. It wasn't a large house, by any means, just three mid-size bedrooms, a lounge and kitchen, but it had a beautiful view and was east-west, so we got the sun in the morning and in the afternoon. It was gorgeous in summer.

Yes I think that is true. Many of her school friends are not available in the same way. Those who didn’t go to uni are working and don’t have all summer to socialise and the others might be on holiday or away at various points. I think she feels that coming back is regressive while I just long for things to be as they were once again.

Here is the article OP

• if you read Phillipas answer she explained how she navigated it

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief

I wonder how many on this thread was the middle child growing up?

None of my uni pals, some of whom were girls, me and my sister included, who went home again after uni. Its quite common, and shows she's found somewhere she's very happy, it doesn't mean she wasn't and isn't happy at home, but she may have found her feet there and speaking as someone who was in her shoes, knowing I did have my home to go back to anytime I did want to, meant I could feel brave enough to be independent.

Focus your time, money and energy on yourself, OP! Friends, hobbies, interests, gym, travel etc. if you invest in yourself then you won’t find yourself so negatively impacted by what is a good and positive thing

@Lemonmeringue76

Maybe be pleased she is independent. I wish my son whose coming back from uni was like that.

Me neither.

what if she wants to go travelling or even emigrate after uni?

Don't worry OP, the cost of living will bite her in the arse after she graduates, and then maybe she'll come home for a year or two while she gets established!

I think some people are being a bit mean. I’d be sad too in your position. It is good for the DD to forge her own life but it’s also another reminder of the way things change over time and that she is an adult and will never be that child or teen at home again.
I don’t think it’s selfish or unkind for a parent to feel sad as well as happy that their child is growing independence
Could you have a nice few days away together?

@Skinnysaluki I think there is a difference between being sad and being devastated

Do you have any other children, OP? And a partner?

No, people's lives are ruined by needy and controlling mothers.

What a question to ask.

It might be that if she doesn’t keep the uni job over the summer, she’ll lose it.

Bless you op. Unfortunately this is what success as a parent can look like! Your daughter feels safe and loved and secure enough to spread her wings. Perhaps this is unhelpful but think about if the opposite were true - if she wanted to come home all the time and struggled to make friends and didn’t feel safe or happy enough to build her own life. You did a wonderful job raising and supporting her - you should be proud.

Mine is going on holiday then on a months summer school abroad. So I think she will be home for about two weeks at most. I’m really sad about it too, but happy for her doing things she will enjoy. I’ve found I’m her going to uni to be a weird sort of sadness actually, and it took me a long time to get used to her not being here. It’s fine to feel like this OP. And normal. As long as you remain positive to her and pleased for her if she is happy.

I'd be sad too regardless of it being natural part of growing up. I was so happy to see ds over Easter. He invited me to tag along with his gf. But it's just nice to be near him, just under the same roof.

Getting old and dieing is also a natural path in life. Loosing people to old age and illness. Not every natural progression is joyful. No point pretending otherwise and this bit is harder than the good milestones like first word or first steps.

My eldest dropped out of uni after three days and that was such a hard horrible time. So I'm glad he is back at uni of course. The alternative was hell for him. But is it a high light of parenting that fill me with joy that this is beginning of him leaving home? Not really. I rather like him being around

This. Well said @Abcdefg22220 . OP, my DD was working at her placement year job last summer and we all missed her. This year she's home for two months and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm very aware that it might be the last summer she is home for an extended time.

Believe it or not your son is the clever one because he can work and save for his first home. He won't be paying a landlord money.