Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

Iim not sure on whether it's normal or not but I don't understand the funding thing. If you are paying for them ( I never did) why would it close less if they were at home leaving empty accomodation

Pretty sure it her life or are you paying the rent to keep control of her?

I broke my mum's heart by not coming home during the summer holidays. I didn't know it at the time, of course. But from your daughter's perspective, she's building a life, has friends, a job etc. She has gained her independence, and while yes, it's lovely to spend time with family and it doesn't mean you love them any less, for me I didn't want to go home and slip into being 'that' person. I loved my uni life. I love it so much I stayed in the town after graduation and have built my life here. She's spreading her wings - as long as she is supporting herself financially then be proud that you have raised a daughter that can.

Lady, I absolutely get where you come from
I left for uni when I was only 19 and never came back for the summer holidays or even Christmasses because my father was horrible
I wish my mother to have been divorced, then I would go back for her
my own daughter is a total homebody and told me she never wants to leave the family....well....

Lady, I absolutely get where you come from
I left for uni when I was only 19 and never came back for the summer holidays or even Christmasses because my father was horrible
I wish my mother to have been divorced, then I would go back for her;
my own daughter is a total homebody and told me she never wants to leave the family....well....I would want her in an ideal world to be like me, move abroad, go to uni etc etc...but life is life

I am actually going to read the whole thread now....has for me much more depth and glimpses than just peoples' opinions is it pro or against

I know it's sad for you but it just means you've done a brilliant job as her mum. She's ready to fly and off she goes. It's a wonderful thing, and it's about them not us. We just have to hope they come back now and then! x

Well it will depend a great deal on your rental agreement of course. My DS has a 52 week tenancy. He is going to go back to the same flat next year, didn't want the hassle of moving his stuff out and plans to spend a lot of the Summer in his University city anyway. But he has plenty of friends whose contracts end at the end of the academic year. They can't use their accomodation during the Summer and their landlords will be letting it as short term accomodation for conference goers, tourists, contractors who need a few weeks in the city etc. Obviously that's quite a lot cheaper than a full year contract.
And even if you are paying for a full year, if my DS came home for the Summer and shut up his flat I think it would be a bit cheaper. Feeding a family together costs less per head than separately and I doubt the increase in my utility bills of having one extra person in the house would be as much as his solo bills over the same time period.
We are fortunate enough to be able to afford for him to stay there and he wants to, so that's fine but if our budget was tight we'd have made different choices I'm sure.

But this is what it’s all been about - them building their own life. My son is currently on his first holiday abroad on his own - I’ve been worried sick at times but he’s having a great time and we know we’ve done our job to set them up to be independant to do this. Sounds like you see her more of a best friend relationship. Time for you to get out and start doing stuff - that’s what I’m doing!

Which is exactly why shes not coming home thats too much

I'd come off social media to avoid the posts of cringey, attention seeking parents.

When we fund education and give financial support as parents, these things are done as investments in independence. The “return” is not gratitude expressed through proximity; it is competence, confidence, and true adulthood.
This is a really good thing, although I know you can’t see that right now.
You haven’t lost your daughter; you’re losing only exclusive access to her daily life. This is very often a more durable relationship than enforced proximity, as you get intentional visits and quality over quantity.
It will all be ok, you just need to let the new normal settle in.

I needed to get away from home at her age, I needed to properly have some space from my family to figure out who I was, as an adult. It didn't mean I didn't love my family, and we're close now 20 years later, but give her space to stretch her wings and fly. I imagine you'll find she'll circle back round and want to spend the summer with you again at some point!

I feel for you but you’ve clearly done a good job raising her and are a great mum. Perhaps you could plan a holiday with her?

@Lemonmeringue76 you need to get some therapy or something because you are heavily dependent on your daughter.

I thought i recognised you from a previous thread about your daughter not wanting to commit to celebrating a big birthday with you because she was at uni…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5497378-upset-dd-wont-celebrate-my-special-birthday?page=1

Why be so mean?! If you have nothing nice to say… I think her upset is perfectly reasonable.

I was gutted when my sons moved away after uni. One has been gone almost 5 years. We text everyday and talk 2-3 times a week but just yesterday I broke down because I just miss him sometimes.

That’s a bit harsh!

I agree, you don't have a child for them to be your companion. She's doing exactly what she should be as a young adult. Perhaps she finds OP a bit smothering and quite rightly doesn't want to dedicate her whole summer to keeping her mum company. OP needs some friends/hobbies of her own or risks pushing her daughter away by placing these unrealistic expectations upon her. Also the comment about 'paying for myself to be unhappy' comes across as pretty toxic.

She’s probably distancing herself from her smothering mother.
Get a life of your own and stop living in the past.

Once mine had a shared house she tended to stay and work but I went up regularly to visit (we just shared a bed).

It’s totally ok and understandable for you to feel this way OP, I’m sorry that you’re in pain.
However it would be incredibly inappropriate for you to tell your daughter how you’re feeling, the guilt would eat away at her.
Try to take comfort in her being very happy in her life, which you’ve helped her to build.
Do you have a partner or some good friends? If not, perhaps you could focus on achieving that for yourself?
I wish you lots of summer visits x

To be absolutely devastated sounds really wet and pathetic. She sounds a sensible and confident girl getting on with life. She's a grown adult. Don't you work and have a life of your own? I moved out as soon as I was 18 and my parents sold up and moved to Somerset to run a B&B. I spoke to them every few weeks but that was it.

My daughter has just done her first year at uni, and is just coming back when she is booted out in july for about 6 weeks. She rarely comes home, she is a FT wheelchair user so i have accepted that her halls are far more accessible and she is minutes away from the city centre, wheras at home we have to chase up and down stairs getting stuff, cooking and dropping her places as our house is not as accessible and involves a 30 min public transport journey. I was a little surprised that she wasnt rushing back as i expected. I know our ciecumstances are different but i think our whole family dynamic has changed since she left and we would all annoy each other for that length of time. I am beyond pleased she has got the confidence which it should be about. She has a good group of friends who are also hanging around and plans for meetups in those 6 weeks. I dont think she has any plans with me, despite me having to advocate on her behalf for many years healthwise, but that was ultimately for her future independence which she now has. 3 months with her would be a nightmare!

“I feel she could have worked her home job and saved as much money and also would have had free food and bills all summer.”

Yes she could have but has chosen not to. Why are you making this all about you? Your daughter is becoming more and more independent and is choosing her own path, don’t begrudge her that.