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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

523 replies

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 19:34

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

OP posts:
WhatNextImScared · 15/05/2026 08:40

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/05/2026 08:25

I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

You paid for her to grow up and become independent and that's exactly what she's doing! Good for you, and good for her.

I just long for things to be as they were once again.

It is very sad that you can't enjoy another fun summer together and you miss her. But things can't go back. So now you can start building an adult relationship with your lovely hard-working DD - just earlier than you expected.

I feel she could have worked her home job and saved as much money and also would have had free food and bills all summer.

Sure, but some things are even more important than bigger savings and free food. At her age independence is one of them! She can afford to feed herself and save some money.

Yes a weekend visit isn't the same as living together but don't let that spoil the times you do spend together. DD still needs you, just not in the old way. If you handle this well then you are building a good relationship as adults which will last for decades.

This is a wonderful, kind post and absolutely spot on.

I would say that although you’re sad you’ll miss the summer your DD’s independence is a credit to you. Many of those kids who stay at home for their whole twenties aren’t only suffering economically, they’re also suffering from failure to launch. It sounds like you’re not going to have that issue with your wonderful DD. You might miss this summer - but you won’t regret not having to scaffold her for another decade. Be proud do what you’ve achieved.

OP, this is a time where you can build a new, beautiful relationship with your adult daughter - and also focus much more on yourself. What are you doing now? Are you working? Are you putting time into friendships? How do you like spending your time?

Dancingspleen1 · 15/05/2026 08:44

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 15/05/2026 00:38

OP, I get it. I'm very close to my dd (my only dc) and she is my favourite person in the world. I really look forward to seeing her and spending time with her. And I would like to think that she looks forward to seeing me too. So I would certainly be disappointed if I found out that she wasn't coming home when I had been expecting her.

But I think you have to try and reframe this in your head. Don't see it as sad that she isn't a home body or that she has chosen to go to uni far away from home. Celebrate the fact that you have successfully raised a confident and self sufficient young woman who knows that there is a big world out there to explore. The fact that she isn't rushing home at the first opportunity isn't a sign that she doesn't like home, or that she doesn't care about spending time with you. It's just a reflection of the fact that she feels secure enough to try something new. And that's wonderful.

It's entirely natural and healthy for young people to branch out and start living their own lives, and yes, as parents we might feel a little sadness for the fact that they are building lives in which we will never be as central to them as they are to us. But that is exactly as it should be and I don't suppose that we would really want it any other way. Would you really want your dd to limit her world to keep you happy? I certainly wouldn't want that for mine.

I ended up living on the other side of the world in my late teens and again in my twenties. I often think now about how hard that must have been for my mum, but I don't think it really occurred to me at that time to think about how much she might miss me. I wasn't trying to get away from my parents in any way, I loved being at home and I adored them. I was simply excited about the opportunities in front of me and being able to explore them. Knowing that I had a secure base which I could always call home gave me the courage and the confidence to explore the world. I will be forever grateful for the fact that my parents always seemed happy and excited for me, and never let on that they were sad.

Now, my dd is an adult and she too is exploring. I miss her a lot, but I couldn't be happier for her. I invested so much of myself in raising her. I want her to have all of the adventures in the world. And if that means that I see her a little less often, then so be it. The love between us is still as strong as ever even when we're far apart. And communications are a whole lot easier these days too!

Edited

This is a lovely post. You sound like a great Mum.
I've always had a sense of adventure and it was never about what I was leaving behind, just the excitement of something new ahead of me. My children are now teens and although I'll miss them I hope they get to experience this in life too.

Screamingabdabz · 15/05/2026 08:45

You look at social media and compare yourself to your friends but all of their children would stay away too if they could afford to, trust me. However much you love your parents, independence is sweeter.

I say this as a pining parent to young adults myself, but I’m just happy that they’re happy. It’s not about me. They deserve to live life on their terms.

YABU to make this about you.

Whatwouldnanado · 15/05/2026 08:51

With all respect please nip this in the bud now. Be proud she is independent and enjoying life. Look to your own life now - get busy with friends hobbies, be interested and interesting. She’ll come back to her lovely bedroom hopefully with friends too and you’ll have lots to talk about. Keep it free and easy, open house. Don’t always be around.
One of ours buggered off to work abroad all last summer and the other inter - railed for a couple of months. We joined them for a bit before doing our own thing. Roots and wings.

DilettanteRedRagger · 15/05/2026 08:58

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 22:26

i know someone with two DDs. Both have partners and children. One DD lives in a city about an hour away; the other lives next door to her mum. I know what in my heart of hearts I’d prefer but obviously both are totally reasonable things for adult women to do.

OP, my comment was too long and I was able to say this much more kindly, so this will be much more blunt: your entire frame of reference is based on how you were socialized as a woman. Get therapy. The status quo of your brain is unhealthy for your daughter. The fact that you view those as the two options (one hour away or next door) is wild, when the fact is with WhatsApp or WeChat, distance is an illusion. Your daughter is a free individual and post-uni, she may settle across the world from you.

You cannot discourage this because your own view is so narrowed by what your mum taught you and what her mum taught her about support networks and strength of love being distant-dependent. That was 100% necessary for survival in the past; it’s not anymore. Time for paradigm shift.

At 40, I can talk to my mother every day in a way I never could at 20, and we’re separated by over 5000 miles.

JulietteHasAGun · 15/05/2026 09:15

Screamingabdabz · 15/05/2026 08:45

You look at social media and compare yourself to your friends but all of their children would stay away too if they could afford to, trust me. However much you love your parents, independence is sweeter.

I say this as a pining parent to young adults myself, but I’m just happy that they’re happy. It’s not about me. They deserve to live life on their terms.

YABU to make this about you.

Totally agree with this. Dd isn’t coming home from uni this summer. She didn’t at Xmas either. She’s having a whale of a time living in a big city. I get that home is boring compared to that. I miss her but I’m happy for her.

Mcdhotchoc · 15/05/2026 10:20

Oh be happy.
She either has friends that are staying on over the summer or a love interest. You have raised her right.
There are many things to be devastated about in this life. A happy child isn't one of them.

Loopylalalou · 15/05/2026 11:18

MesonBoson · 14/05/2026 19:40

How dare she stay away when you've paid good money for her love and affection?

This is a bit harsh but there’s an element of truth within.
Your child is no longer your child. Once they leave home, which include uni, they start to look at life differently as they realise they are free to make their own choices. Your expectations of a repeat of last summer are widely out of scope. She won’t be the same person.
I’d suggest that’s why she doesn’t want the near-home job - it belongs to the person she was, not who she is becoming.
As the mother of two in their 30s I’d recommend giving them their freedom but keeping them close with a light and loving touch. And never ever use guilt tactics.

BunnyLake · 15/05/2026 11:25

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 21:00

I think lots of posts are about sons who didn’t really come home after leaving for uni. I do think daughters are usually different and stay closer. Like it’s often said grandparents on the mother’s side are more involved.

Do you mean sons feel less obliged to keep their mum company and are freer to spread their wings without guilt?

What you’re saying does have some truth in it, but is it really a good thing? Daughters should be able to have independence without constraint just as much as sons.

HelloSkeletonFace3 · 15/05/2026 11:27

Sending hugs. I'd feel the same x

FunMustard · 15/05/2026 11:31

MesonBoson · 14/05/2026 19:40

How dare she stay away when you've paid good money for her love and affection?

Oh get a grip. She's allowed to be upset, and she knows it's an irrational thought.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/05/2026 11:36

Obviously this is hard for you but she’s an adult and has her own life. You need to let go.

Millymollymandy4 · 15/05/2026 12:06

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 21:53

Yes the rent is paid anyhow as it’s a 52 week lease. She reckons she’ll get between 20-30 hours of work so that’s between £250-350 a week so that will leave her with ample to live on and still save as well for next year at uni.

You should be so proud of her taking control of her finances so well

Didimum · 15/05/2026 12:13

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 21:00

I think lots of posts are about sons who didn’t really come home after leaving for uni. I do think daughters are usually different and stay closer. Like it’s often said grandparents on the mother’s side are more involved.

Come on now, OP. I know you're sad but don't be sexist about this and discard advice.

Flipflopsandsunhat · 15/05/2026 12:15

Your other thread about being disappointed in your daughter is illuminating OP. Maybe take a step back and have a think about whether you're asking too much of her and she's stepping back for a reason

tiramisugelato · 15/05/2026 12:17

Flipflopsandsunhat · 15/05/2026 12:15

Your other thread about being disappointed in your daughter is illuminating OP. Maybe take a step back and have a think about whether you're asking too much of her and she's stepping back for a reason

Exactly. OP has posted before about her DD pulling away and her last thread in particular was really odd.

sittingonabeach · 15/05/2026 12:24

I think there was an older child in the other thread, wonder if OP felt as bereft when that older child left home?

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 15/05/2026 12:25

I did this second and third year of uni (went and worked abroad etc) and I honestly didn't give my parents feelings a second thought. They seemed excited for me from what I remember! I still have a close relationship with them 20 years later, it's not like I was rejected them, just spreading my wings.

Notmeagain12 · 15/05/2026 12:39

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 21:00

I think lots of posts are about sons who didn’t really come home after leaving for uni. I do think daughters are usually different and stay closer. Like it’s often said grandparents on the mother’s side are more involved.

Utter rubbish.

ime all the kids I know who remain close to their parents are the ones who didn’t go to uni.

Out of interest, did you encourage her to go to uni, to move away? Did you suggest going to a local uni and living at home?

tiramisugelato · 15/05/2026 12:42

I think it's worth people knowing that OP has another recent thread about her DD where she complains that she won't commit to doing anything for her (OP's) birthday months and months in advance.

yumyumnibble · 15/05/2026 12:47

What I wonder is what happens when all the internet savvy young adults find threads about their lives where mum has shared an awful lot of information with strangers, it's bound to happen.

Itsseweasy · 15/05/2026 12:53

I recommend reading the OPs other thread before posting a reply to this one.
She was again all upset with the daughter for potentially not being available to make a fuss of her on her Birthday.
The daughter is apparently duty bound to her mother.
I’d say your daughter has found some space after being enmeshed with you for so long, and is enjoying the freedom.
You need to stop any guilt tripping you’re doing because at the end of the day you’ll be driving your daughter further away from you, physically and emotionally.
You need to find your own friends, take up some hobbies, join some groups and concentrate on your own life rather than focussing on your daughter’s.
I adore my kids more than life itself but couldn’t imagine looking at things the way you do.
It sounds like you’d happily stop paying her rent to get her back home if you could!

outerspacepotato · 15/05/2026 13:00

Lemonmeringue76 · 14/05/2026 19:40

She had a job at home that she came back to in the holidays and had also got a part time job at uni which she will be able to do more hours at over the summer. I am upset she’s giving up her home job as she’d done it for years and it was very flexible and always there for the holidays.

You know that means she's not planning on returning to live there again. She's 21 and she's likely not coming back for any more summers.

You can't expect her to live your insular life in a very rural area where the majority seem to use their family for socializing. You want an enmeshed family because you don't have that big family network where you are and you've been using her to meet those needs for emotional connection and socializing. It's pretty obvious you're lonely where you are but do you really want your life for her?

You seem to have very different ideas about what sons do vs what daughters do that seem dated and out of touch and she doesn't share your thinking on that.

It's time for you to get some counseling to deal with your feelings and start creating a life of your own. You immersed yourself in being a mom but have little identity outside of that. That needs to change

Notmeagain12 · 15/05/2026 13:14

Itsseweasy · 15/05/2026 12:53

I recommend reading the OPs other thread before posting a reply to this one.
She was again all upset with the daughter for potentially not being available to make a fuss of her on her Birthday.
The daughter is apparently duty bound to her mother.
I’d say your daughter has found some space after being enmeshed with you for so long, and is enjoying the freedom.
You need to stop any guilt tripping you’re doing because at the end of the day you’ll be driving your daughter further away from you, physically and emotionally.
You need to find your own friends, take up some hobbies, join some groups and concentrate on your own life rather than focussing on your daughter’s.
I adore my kids more than life itself but couldn’t imagine looking at things the way you do.
It sounds like you’d happily stop paying her rent to get her back home if you could!

Got a link?

I admit the idea of spending my uni summer break with my mum shopping, lunches and spa days sounds like absolute hell.

i’d be doing it to keep my mum happy.

Oriunda · 15/05/2026 13:20

Flipflopsandsunhat · 15/05/2026 12:15

Your other thread about being disappointed in your daughter is illuminating OP. Maybe take a step back and have a think about whether you're asking too much of her and she's stepping back for a reason

Oh, it’s that OP. I remember that thread, and have just gone back through it again. Looks like she’s taken none of the great advice from that thread onboard, and will continue to do the same here.

We’re clearly all shouting into the void here, but, OP, at the age of 55 I moved with my DH and child to a totally new country. I had to create a new social life for myself from scratch. Child wasn’t primary, so no mum friends via school. I joined classes, Facebook groups and put myself about. It wasn’t easy, but I made it work. This is what you need to do.

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