Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

I can't get over these posts.

You're allowed to feel how you feel ffs.

The answer to this discomfort and grief is to allow yourself to feel it for a while. Grieve the child who has now grown up and growing, possibly more and more away. Then - put all your focus into something new and fulfilling that is not attached to motherhood.

A pet? Volunteering? New hobby?

@Lemonmeringue76 OP well done coming here to vent rather than laying a guilt trip on your daughter. That's what mumsnet is for! I'm sure this is a difficult step for you, but your daughter will be back, don't worry. After she graduates I guarantee she'll be back for months while job hunting etc. This isn't the end! 💐

I’ve never seen people post things like that on Facebook. I think that’s very unusual to be doing like a countdown to them returning on Facebook. Lots of students stay in their uni city or go travelling or working abroad in their holidays. Lots have studied abroad for some time and stay on for the holidays. This is part of the university experience.

@Substance will you be happy that the DD has to come back home because she can’t get a job

You’ve done a good job OP. You’ve raised a strong independent woman who can stand on her own two feet. This is the purpose of parenting.
Yes it hurts, but you do have to let them go .

Most people seem to be the same way, as often the kids have to work, to make money, plus naturally they prioritise seeing friends. I know you might say just because every other young adult does this doesn't stop you feeling upset, but at least it might stop you worrying it's something personal. I can understand parents feeling aggrieved at having to pay rent for adult children, but maybe take that out if the equation, because you wouldn't want that being a factor in her coming home or not, and if you don't feel you should pay it, you don't need to.

OP I get it. There are some heartless replies here. My adult kids are my favourite people in the world too. When I’m around them I drink in the lovely energy they give off and I want to keep them near me. But I also want them to have wonderful lives and have all the experiences and feel free and know I’ll always be there for them. So it’s the bittersweet part of parenting.
It hurts and it’s normal and timeless and awful and inevitable and amazing. You’re not alone in this 💐

At first I empathised with you but you’re starting to sound a bit intense now.

She clearly doesn’t want to live at home anymore. She’s an adult. She’s found her city, her crowd. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore, she’s just growing up.

If you feel so deeply sad about her growing up and being independent I’d probably seek out a therapist.

You're grasping onto something that isn't yours. Let go and let her live her life. Your psychological dependence on her is something you might take into therapy perhaps, or at least work out why you feel this way before you actually damage your relationship with her.

It's a bittersweet thing when your DC spread their wings and I think it is understandable that you are upset @Lemonmeringue76
My youngest won't be home much this Summer either and it makes me a bit sad because we have always been extremely close and I really enjoy his company. But at the same time I am proud and happy that he is so busy and has built strong relationships in his University city. It's how things are meant to be, but it doesn't stop it hurting a bit.
And it is, when all said and done, something we've probably all done to our own parents to some degree. When I look back on myself at the same age I don't think it really occurred to me that my parents would be sad if I didn't go home much when I was a student. I was caught up in my own life. I feel guilty about that now I know how it feels but that's the nature of youth isn't it? I always loved them very much and still needed them, but I guess I just didn't realise that they needed me too. I remind myself of that when my young adult children behave pretty much exactly like the young adult me did!

LOL do you work fulltime? Most people do, and they still have social lives and hobbies. I managed to do it while raising 2 children to adulthood as a single mother with no other financial support.

The OP herself hasn't even said anything about working, that's your assumption you've presented as fact. If OP is working all hours of the day and night and has zero time for a private life she wouldn't be so desperate for her daughter's company would she?

ETA: the first post mentions spa days, shopping, lunches out... not the words of someone working their fingers to the bone 24/7 are they.

Giving Black Swan vibes.

It's hard OP. As others have said, you've raised a resilient young woman but it's absolutely understandable to miss how things were.

I remember being that age and loving my independence. I now have four adult children and it's important to support their choices. Three went to universities the other end of the country. Things move on and they make new friends which is a good thing. But it's absolutely allowed to feel sad about it.

I know its very sad for you but you should feel very proud that you have raised a daughter who is not afraid to work hard & follow her dreams. It’s hard when they grow up and want that independence & you feel its a bit soon.

are you able to go visit her or plan a trip together still.

If you haven't watched the film, this doesn't mean much! (I haven't watched it.)

Oh give over, because she’s a mother missing her daughter? That’s unkind.

She is not just missing her but sounding bereft and brooding! Scary stuff. Would run a mile.

OP, I get it. I'm very close to my dd (my only dc) and she is my favourite person in the world. I really look forward to seeing her and spending time with her. And I would like to think that she looks forward to seeing me too. So I would certainly be disappointed if I found out that she wasn't coming home when I had been expecting her.

But I think you have to try and reframe this in your head. Don't see it as sad that she isn't a home body or that she has chosen to go to uni far away from home. Celebrate the fact that you have successfully raised a confident and self sufficient young woman who knows that there is a big world out there to explore. The fact that she isn't rushing home at the first opportunity isn't a sign that she doesn't like home, or that she doesn't care about spending time with you. It's just a reflection of the fact that she feels secure enough to try something new. And that's wonderful.

It's entirely natural and healthy for young people to branch out and start living their own lives, and yes, as parents we might feel a little sadness for the fact that they are building lives in which we will never be as central to them as they are to us. But that is exactly as it should be and I don't suppose that we would really want it any other way. Would you really want your dd to limit her world to keep you happy? I certainly wouldn't want that for mine.

I ended up living on the other side of the world in my late teens and again in my twenties. I often think now about how hard that must have been for my mum, but I don't think it really occurred to me at that time to think about how much she might miss me. I wasn't trying to get away from my parents in any way, I loved being at home and I adored them. I was simply excited about the opportunities in front of me and being able to explore them. Knowing that I had a secure base which I could always call home gave me the courage and the confidence to explore the world. I will be forever grateful for the fact that my parents always seemed happy and excited for me, and never let on that they were sad.

Now, my dd is an adult and she too is exploring. I miss her a lot, but I couldn't be happier for her. I invested so much of myself in raising her. I want her to have all of the adventures in the world. And if that means that I see her a little less often, then so be it. The love between us is still as strong as ever even when we're far apart. And communications are a whole lot easier these days too!

When I was at uni in the early-mid Nineties, it was the norm to go home in the holidays. So much so that even if you had stuck around, everyone else would have left.

I'm wondering if things have changed. Is it more common now for people not to go home during the breaks?

Or, perhaps it's a reflection of financial status. There was no way my parents were going to fund me staying away when I didn't need to, and what I could earn in a student job would in no way have covered my living expenses. Which makes me wonder: Perhaps the difference is the minimum wage? There was no such thing when I was at uni, and you got paid about two to three pounds an hour for most jobs. I know the COL was less back then too, but those wages wouldn't have been enough to cover living expenses and save for the next term.

I also think that student accommodation is probably better these days than it was back then.

V. curious to know if it's more normal to stay away in uni holidays now.

Ah @Lemonmeringue76 I feel for you and totally understand your upset. My eldest is 13 and even though I know it’s inevitable and totally necessary I already am dreading the loosening of the apron strings. Hopefully your DD will change her mind and make it home for a week or too and you and she can maybe fit in a weekend near her uni city xx

Kinda weird she wouldn’t squeeze a weekend in during such a long period

We miss them @Lemonmeringue76 bit we know it’s a really good song that they’re enjoying life in their uni cities. My DD is a year older (finishing third year of a four-year degree). She only came home for a short visit last summer and is doing the same this year. We visited her instead and we also meet up for trips sometimes.

They're young adults now and it’s a different relationship.

MN is crazy. There are loads of parents who feel like you here, but the responses are wild.
Because youre not saying you dont want her to launch or be an adult, just sad about missing that time with her. Sounds like a normal reaction and you sound like a lovely mum.

No because she's not living there! She's left home! When I was a student nobody spent the summer with their parents after the first year. We were all working, hanging out with friends and living our lives. I think I went for a couple of weeks? Then after the 3rd year went straight into full time work. Your expectations were way off IMO.

She didn't say her daughter isn't coming to visit at all? Just that she's not coming back to stay for 3 months.