Feel absolutely devastated my dd isn’t coming home this summer

[Lemonmeringue76]

My dd is not coming home from uni this summer, even though the holidays 4 months long. All my friends’ children are; all over social media I see posts about not long until they come home and his all these parents can’t wait. We had such a lovely summer last year - a holiday, spa days , lunches and shopping. I had it in my head I’d get two or three more summers until she had a full time job and would move away.
I was getting so excited and now I feel so down about it. I keep thinking I am literally the person paying for her rent in her uni city and I have paid to make myself this unhappy.

It’s ok to feel sad, my kids are only little but already the thought of them leaving one day makes me feel so sad.

But I was that child, I moved to university and I never properly moved home again. I was into the next phase of my life, I loved my new life and was very happy. It didn’t change how much I loved and cared for my mum though. You’ve raised a confident daughter who is probably having the time of her life at uni and finding her own feet etc. as sad as it is for you you can be very proud of that and be happy for her that she’s moving into her future with confidence

If the rent being paid had strings attached that should have been clearly communicated. OP could always go and stay with her DD or go and see her on her days off/ when she has days off.

In her head she’s left home.
Sorry

Ah OP I can feel your lonliness in your post.

My DC is still in secondary and I look forward to the weekends when we can spend time together, go for walks and chats. I love our conversations.
I hope you can visit her for weekends and vice versa.

Are you the poster who was posting a couple of months ago about how your DD refused to commit to doing something for your birthday in six months time?

Your writing style is really familiar.

OP, she's left home, she's earning some money, building her CV, getting on with her life. Which is exactly what she should be doing, not running home to mummy. You should be thrilled that she's doing well.

It is obvious what they mean - the usual, modern narrative. Which goes along the lines of - children don't owe us shit-all, yet we owe them everything, bring them up, pay for them, help them buy the house, give them more money, baby-sit for their kids, but without saying a word and also providing cleaner services, then, before dying and leaving everything to them (remember, we did not go on holidays, we were baby-sitting our grandchildren so spent nothing on ourselves), we have to tidy up the house, clean it out, throw all the sentimental stuff out (remember, they are sensitive, our children, they will be upset clearing the house after us) and we must not forget to pay for our own funeral plan - those TV adverts they are pushing at us in daytime, remember? We are owed nothing, basically. Utter bollocks.

The OP is entitled to her emotions and if her daughter does sense them despite nothing being said, no guilt trips laid, then she will just have to deal with it like the grown up she is.

This is nonsense. I couldn't wait to get away from the family home - I never went back.

She’ll need some metaphorical or real leylandi

She's probably oblivious to how her mum feels she's living the best time of her life.

This. ^ Odd comment from @Shitshowpolitics

And so she should be. On some level though, the daughter very likely has picked up on how her mother feels. 'What about meeee? I have paid for all this and that, so you owe me....!' It's very naive to think that the daughter hasn't picked any vibes up from her mum.

The op has to also pay to go and see her daughter after working all the hours that God gives to keep her daughter going in university. Seriously the maturity is unbelievable you don't get it do you?

Oh.

Yes. And she's dealing with it by not coming home for the summer.

As hard as it is OP - you’ve done a fantastic job as her Mum to get her to fly the coop. I feel your pain - ignore the facetiousness of some posters. You’re a Mum and want her close but this is a success story: you raised your little person to take independent steps into the real world and she’s happy and ready. No words of advice but I want to send you a hug (not very Mumsnet) and tell you you’ve done everything right. Go and visit her and spend some quality time.

The more this thread is going on, (and the more I am reading,) the more I can see why.

OP do you have a job? A good social life of your own? Hobbies and interests?

If not, time to get all 3. Motherhood can be wonderful but there's more to life and you can't be putting pressure - veiled or otherwise - on your DD to be your 'everything' forever.

Can you go and visit her?

@Lemonmeringue76 I have a similarly aged dd to yours who is currently at home doing not much at all. I would be over the moon if she left home.

Well done for raising an independent adult, that’s our job as parents. Your comment about her being your favourite person in the world jarred a little with me. I hope you’re not expecting her to feel the same about you.

The wonderful thing about having adult dc is having more time for yourself - to focus on your career (or even start a new one), travel, see friends, have fun. The more you pressure her to come home, the more she will pull away.

The op has spent most of her time paying for her daughter to go to uni and her own bills. I doubt she has time for a private life when all she's doing is working to pay the bills.

Millions of people have children that they put through University, and support while they're there, (including me!) Everyone has bills to pay, and everyone is 'busy' but most still manage to get out and socialise, and make friends, and take up new hobbies, and allow their adult children/children at university to get on with their lives!

I do think (kindly) that you are having a bit of an extreme reaction here. She is a young woman - at least 19, if it's the end of her 2nd year - and quite rightly will want to be forging out on her independent way in life. She's staying to work, and if her friends are around there, I can see why she's chosen that, especially if you would be paying rent anyway.

Can you maybe talk about going to visit and stay with her for a week in the holidays, if you can get that time off work. She might enjoy showing you her Uni town/city? I know I did, when my Mum came for the weekend, when I was a student. Nothing stopping you doing cinema, spa days, shopping trips there.

Also, just because she's not coming home this summer, doesn't mean she will never come home again! I spent much of my 20s yo-yo-ing back and forth to my parents, between Uni, then living overseas, and between rental periods back in my Uni city. I now live about 25 miles/45 mins away from my Mum. Doesn't mean I'm not close to her!

The ops financial situation could be different to yours. Most families have to budget your lucky you had enough for hobbies as well.