Help me settle a bedroom disagreement with my and husband.

[CatsandSun]

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

Just move into the spare room
Thats what I did and its bloody amazing!
I have a lovely peaceful clean non farty bedroom and I love it!

You’re just not compatible to sleep together.
Dh snores when drinking - on a Friday night i tend to decamp to the spare room.
I will also take myself there other nights if I’m struggling with my insomnia as my tossing and turning pisses me off so god knows how irritating it must be to him.
He will go there if I go to bed before him on a Friday night rather than disturb me.
If we’re on holiday though I’ll usually have had a drink too and will fall asleep easily and not notice his snoring!
Do you have somewhere else you can sleep?

You have the luxury of a spare room so just move in to it, and only visit his for 'fun'. Your sleep and mental health is more important than lying next to him whilst asleep or frustrated.

Not seeing the problem here. There are two bedrooms, use them.

The only answer to this is separate rooms - up to you both to decide who has which room but it shouldn’t be a case of you just kipping in the spare room or having to give yours up when guests come to stay by default.

Properly and equally nice separate rooms.

There are multiple solutions to this. Yes, a spare room is reasonable although I don't understand why he needs to come and get you. Surely, if you want him to do that, he may as well come to bed at his usual time and relax listening to podcasts downstairs beforehand. Is there a reason why he comes to bed at 10?
You could also wear a sleep mask to block the light. I'm not a fan of earplugs so I don't suggest it as a solution but I wore them in the past when sleeping with snorers.

I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.

Why would you want him to wake you up? Stay in the spare room! Or better still, put him in there!

Is the sleep apnea due to excess weight? He needs to sort that out first…
You’ve been taking sleeping pills since you were 18?! Is that because of your DH? Surely that’s a total dependency and there’s other ways!

I tend to go up to bed later than DH (later than midnight) and I like to read books on my phone when DH is in bed and he has never complained.

I wear sleep mask that plays white noise after years of insomnia. Its been game changer

I think you need to have a conversation at a neutral time. Obviously you snapped last night - totally don't blame you at all - but nothing productive comes out of those types of interactions. But like the non-sleeping new born, who is getting more sleep discussions...never to be done in the middle of the night!

Doesn't he realise the mask is to help his health, and by using it he'll feel so much better; it's not just something to please you.

By the sounds of it until he gets his head round the idea, it sounds like the spare room is the best place for you (for your own health).

Just move into the spare room? Absolute no brainer

He has 10 hours a week to listen to podcasts on the train amd phone light is bloody awful.

Team OP

Hell no. Screens on when someone wants to sleep is totally antisocial. Its the flickering. I can cope with a steady sidelight on, but not a flickering light.

He needs to do the podcast elsewhere, abd come to bed when its time to sleep.

If I were being petty, I’d point out that he has two hours a day, 5 days a week, to listen to podcasts…

But if I were being practical, I would take full advantage of the two rooms.

me and my partner very rarely sleep together as we have two very different preferences when it comes to sleep conditions.
if you are totally against that…an eye mask and ear plugs?

I'd move into the spare room. You can both be happy then.

I started sleeping separately to DH when I had my baby. I was devastated when we put baby in his own room and had to sleep with DH again 🤣

When I was younger, I used to be scared to be in the house alone. Now I fucking love it. DH has to travel for work once a month and I look forward to it all week when he does. But I have to pretend I'm sad and DH always brings me a gift and sends me sweet texts because he thinks I'm lonely and scared of the dark 🤣🤣

Obviously move into the spare room permanently.

Can’t he listen to podcasts while he is commuting?

The mask isn’t a compromise so that you can sleep it’s for him and his health. But you sound incompatible sleep partners so you should sleep in the spare room

Move into the spare room permanently. He can snore and watch podcasts to his hearts content. You'll feel so much better for it.

Why would you want him to wake you up to go and sleep in the other bed. I can’t get my head round that.

Make the spare room your own, and prioritise your own sleep. He is selfishly dictating to suit his own needs. Sod that.

Being together in a bed is so unnatural IMV, it should only be for cuddles and sex. Separate rooms all the way, or at a push separate beds at least, like in the old Hollywood movies, twin beds lol. Seriously though, we never expect our kids to share a room not to mind a flipping bed, so why can't the parents/adults have the same peace and privacy!

Out you go OP, or even better, kick him out to the other room. 😊

Not wanting to be goady but he doesn’t need the phone light to be on to listen to a podcast. I listen to a book to get me to sleep - I have sleep ear pod things that my partner definitely can’t hear, I put my iPad under my pillow (screen off) and put a sleep timer on the book so I generally fall asleep before it just switches itself off. Neither light nor sound is emitted to disturb my partner. I do it as I’m respectful of his needs for a dark, quiet room.

Move to spare room.