Help me settle a bedroom disagreement with my and husband.

[CatsandSun]

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

This ^
Night arguments never end well…

By the way he is old enough to understand that people have different sensitivity to light/ noise/ cold/ warmth so his arguments are nonsense. Also he doesn’t wear this machine for you he wears it for himself.
I usually chill out in the kitchen watching films on my laptop, I just like my kitchen chair better, you don’t need to be in bed to chill out.

I wouldn’t even let him come get me when he’s ready to sleep. Sleep separately

Honestly OP he’s incredibly selfish. Decent sleep is so important for our well being and we all need to prioritise it.

OP his position and reasoning on this is incredibly controlling. Why should you suffer for his preferences?

He wouldn't be getting any sex from me, spontaneous or not, if he kept me awake by his selfishness.

My husband initially didn't like starting off in the spare room, but once he realised the visits were a lot more enthusiastic after I had slept well, he came round to the idea.
It soon became the norm....and we are still happily married..

Same

Just go sleep in the spare room it is absolute bliss. I did this until we moved and didn't have a spare room anymore. Oh I miss having a bed to myself ! At the end of the day, I don't get the big thing about sleeping together? You are asleep. Not like you are interacting. Just sleep in spare room

I think this argument isn’t going to end with him getting what he wants. To me it’s really really simple, come to bed when you want to go to sleep, use the front room, kitchen or conservatory to listen to podcasts or YouTube.
I’ve come up to have a bath, I’m going to the spare room tonight, he’s had all day to realise he’s being a knob and he’s come home in a sulk, no spontaneous sex for anyone tonight.. knobhead!
I know he’ll see sense and apologise, but I’m not arguing about it anymore.

Just make the spare room your room permanently.
my husband has sleep apnoea. Tosses and turns. Sweats.
goes to bed late. Takes work calls (when he’s on-call) Annoys the hell out of me.

only way our marriage has survived is by having separate bedrooms. I have my peace and my good nights sleep.

aaagghh just reading this made me angry for you!! It’s not his FAULT that he snores, but it’s his RESPONSIBILITY. I remember vividly so many holidays and breaks away I spent exhausted cos of no sleep next to my ex who was blissfully snoring away , i’d nudge him awake and within seconds he’s be back asleep snoring like a fucking pig again!!! You work full time, OP, you need to sleep!!!!!

1. You can wear an eye mask and ear plugs (get the silicone ones on Amazon)
2. When listening to podcasts the screen should be off. If the screen is on then he's a scrolling while listening
3. As others have said he can listen to podcasts on his commute
4. My DH has been using a CPAP machine successfully for 20 years. The type of mask that fits into the nostrils is actually way better than the one that fits over the whole mouth and nose. It stays in place far better even woj different sleeping positions. Your DH might be put off by the thought of it, but my DH says it's very much more comfortable and I certainly get a much better night's sleep

If all the about, use the spare room

Good luck!

Stick yo your guns. He’s a prize selfish knob. Does he have any redeeming features?

Or make the spare bedroom his, and you keep your bedroom to yourself.

I had this row with my husband many moons ago, who should be allocated the spare, both of us liked the shared bedroom.

My winning argument was, in the army, if the men share a tent, if one snores, HE is the one to leave ... that worked for me.

I have ptsd due to something that happened to me at 18. I took Zopiclone for years prescribed by my doctor and then Mirtazapine and I now take Phenerghan, I know it’s not great but my doctor is fine with it.
I have also had therapy, nothing has stopped the part of brain that can’t relax, it’s complete bullshit but that’s what severe trauma can do to a brain.

He just wants it all his way, so selfish! He just expects you to lie there not being able to sleep just in case he wants spontaneous sex - urgh!

Lack of sleep like this can be marriage ending, tell him that

I have my own bedroom and no way would I go back to sharing a bed!

You dont have to sleep next to someone all night to be close. You can start the evening off together then when you're ready to sleep, go to your own room. In the morning whoever wakes up first can bring a coffee into the other bedroom and you can sit in bed together for a bit.

People who are close will be close regardless where they sleep.

My husband used to snore badly, and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms after he woke up one night to find me looming over him with a pillow in my hands, and about to suffocate him, as I was so sleep deprived after 7 nights of virtually no sleep. It was the best thing we ever did. We both still have double beds, and so can spend time together whenever we want, but he no longer disturbs my sleep.

He thinks separate bedrooms will lead to problems like., lack of spontaneous sex, intimacy in general.

I’m going to say his snoring and behaviour is leading to a lack of sex, not the spare room.

He does, he won’t win this one, he’ll see sense buy me some flowers and turn his phone off.. Just takes him a while to get there sometimes.

You poor soul, I know exactly what you are going through. My DH snored like like a hippo, it was misery. Broken nights, anger and frustration. Even his father, who also snored, complained about him when they came to stay! You could hear him down the passage and in another room. On a caravan holiday the neighbouring vans complained.
we have separate bedrooms now. It makes for an harmonious marriage (been together more than 50 years). You can still have cuddles before sleep 🙂. I don't think I could share a bedroom with anyone now.
as he's gotten older he snores less, so there is hope!
have you tried recording him and playing it back to him?

I can’t believe you’ve got a spare room and haven’t used it before! My ex was a terrible snorer. When we split up it was absolute bliss to have peace and quiet.

I was soo confused when I got to the end and seen you had a spare room? I don’t get it? Sleep in different rooms?

You can't sleep so he's unreasonable.

He could switch to earphones, I have mine playing in one ear but DP can’t ever hear it. He shouldn’t need to look at the screen if he makes a bedtime playlist, turns it on and puts the phone away. I’m the snorer in our bedroom, I sleep on my sides and switch the earphone to the other ear if I need to turn over.

Make the spare room your bedroom permanently, it'll make for better sleep for you and a more harmonious household all around.