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Original poster

Help me settle a bedroom disagreement with my and husband.

147 replies

CatsandSun · 14/05/2026 17:00

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
wordler · 14/05/2026 20:53

Just point out you have different sleep needs and for your health you need to sleep separately on the days before work.

Point out you’ll have much more energy for fun spontaneous sex if you’re not sleep deprived.

AtBeaverGoat · 14/05/2026 21:02

CatsandSun · 14/05/2026 18:55

Wow didn’t expect so many responses so quickly. I have no issue at all with sleeping in the spare room, he hates it. This is his second marriage, my first. He thinks separate bedrooms will lead to problems like., lack of spontaneous sex, intimacy in general. He thinks that I am holding this over him.. Do as I say or I’ll move into the spare room (this is what he said this morning) I just want to be able to sleep, he wants to relax for a couple of hours in bed next to me and I should compromise on this.

Tend to agree with him on this point, separate bedrooms ( due to her snoring) , was the beginning of the end for me, ( I was the one in the spare room) lack of intimacy lead to sexless relationship which ended the relationship

StormGazing · 14/05/2026 21:06

Sleep in separate rooms, you sound like me and my DH and it left me completely exhausted, along with an autoimmune issue I have that causes chronic fatigue, it’s a relief and we can always have nights / parts of nights together when intimate

somanychristmaslights · 14/05/2026 21:08

Do you actually have spontaneous sex when he comes to bed? If no, then 100% sleep in the spare room.
I have trouble switching off my brain, so I normally play something easy like Friends on my phone (face down so there’s no light) with 1 earphone is. Works a treat. If DH is snoring, I’ll go in the spare room. But I love our spare room bed, so I’d have no issues sleeping in there permanently.

MousseMousse · 14/05/2026 21:08

I just want to be able to sleep, he wants to relax for a couple of hours in bed next to me and I should compromise on this

Ultimately your need for sleep trumps his relaxation preferences. Forget his ultimatum, he has a choice: give you some consideration and care or accept separate bedrooms.

I know which would affect my desire for intimacy more.

Wauwinet · 14/05/2026 21:09

Spontaneous sex? Tell him that the only thing likely to result from your sleep deprivation due to him is spontaneous homicide. 🤨

Woodilywoodpecker · 14/05/2026 21:16

Poor baby man worried he won't get to -

  • go to bed when he wants regardless of who it disturbs
  • do whatever he wants in bed regardless of who it disturbs
  • consider any other sleep arrangements because he might gets less shags, when he wants them and this is more important than you getting sleep.

Poor fucking man. Yet another one.

That spare room should have been occupied a long time ago!

Sartre · 14/05/2026 21:22

I know this is totally beside the by but why is he watching podcasts? Don’t most people just pop the earphones in and listen?! I don’t understand.

Davros · 14/05/2026 21:23

He could listen to his podcasts when he’s commuting

Dalmationday · 14/05/2026 21:24

Just sleep separately. Why are people so insistent on trying to sleep in the same bed as another person

CherryViper · 14/05/2026 21:29

Have two principle bedrooms.

Convert the spare bedroom into your sleep sanctuary.

If your OH would like to stay in the same room as you, they need to, at the very least, watch or listen on their side.

My OH likes to watch the phone at night, his sleep hygiene is awful. I come to bed to sleep. He is a grown adult so we comprise. I wear a sleep mask, they stay downstairs for longer until I'm asleep. If I have an early start for work, they stay in the spare room. They hate sleeping apart, I love it.

MMUmum · 14/05/2026 22:13

CatsandSun · 14/05/2026 17:00

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

You need a slèep divorce, separate rooms for sleeping and no backing down

Yetone · 14/05/2026 22:57

OP of course you want to be able to sleep. I can thoroughly recommend separate bedrooms. Both my husband and I are really bad sleepers and sleeping together meant that we were keeping each other awake. Just make sure that you have a good bed in the spare room. When we decided to sleep separately we went out and bought a new bed double bed for me. I do pop in to see my husband occasionally and always in the morning for a cup of coffee in bed. It does help my insomnia because if I can’t sleep then I just read for a bit.

SapphOhNo · 14/05/2026 23:00

CatsandSun · 14/05/2026 18:55

Wow didn’t expect so many responses so quickly. I have no issue at all with sleeping in the spare room, he hates it. This is his second marriage, my first. He thinks separate bedrooms will lead to problems like., lack of spontaneous sex, intimacy in general. He thinks that I am holding this over him.. Do as I say or I’ll move into the spare room (this is what he said this morning) I just want to be able to sleep, he wants to relax for a couple of hours in bed next to me and I should compromise on this.

Have you told him that you not getting any sleep because hes a selfish pillock will lead to problems like lack of sex?

Nutmuncher · 14/05/2026 23:01

Separate rooms is the key to eternal happiness.

Also get him on Mounjaro, it cured DPs snoring overnight.

sittingonabeach · 14/05/2026 23:03

Separate bedrooms, you both have different sleeping patterns

BobBobBobbing · 14/05/2026 23:08

I've been with dh for coming up 25 years and for the last 20 of them it has been separate bedrooms cos of his sleep apnea. Still managed to have 3 children and a healthy sex life in that time. He went to get an official diagnosis after I started complaining he kept waking me up from the other bedroom.Angry

Now, even with his machine we still sleep separately. I've trained him to book an extra bed when we go on holiday so that I can retreat to my own space.

I claim the secret to a happy marriage is separate bedrooms and will not be convinced otherwise.

watchingthishtread · 14/05/2026 23:14

He has a medical condition which could reduce his life span. The is wearing the device because of the condition. He is not wearing it for you. He needs to understand that it is not a concession to you. He is trying to give you ownership of managing his health.

FrankSinatraonToast · 14/05/2026 23:16

Heliki · 14/05/2026 17:07

I tend to go up to bed later than DH (later than midnight) and I like to read books on my phone when DH is in bed and he has never complained.

How is that going to help the OP?

Fluffybuns88 · 14/05/2026 23:19

My husband has severe sleep apnea, we had to sleep separately for a while until he got set up with his cpap, granted he still woke me up most nights and it was draining. Loop ear plugs fixed the issue.

BeenThereBackThen · 14/05/2026 23:45

I think your DH is 100% in the wrong here. You can’t sleep with him on his headphones and phone. It’s not like you are lacking patience or being unsympathetic or anything else where you can change your ‘attitude’. You can’t fucking sleep, can’t get proper rest as a result. That is a torture and infuriating.

He needs to take his devices to spare room and stay there and have a little think about it, he’s being very selfish.

30mins · 15/05/2026 07:38

Separate rooms are a no brainier

Magicpaintbrush · 15/05/2026 07:47

Why is everybody assuming that the spare room is as comfortable as her own bedroom? And why the fuck if her dh wants to listen to podcasts can't he do that downstairs or HE can go in the spare room?! Doing that next to somebody who is trying to sleep is so selfish. OP yanbu at all - I despair of aibu sometimes, tje first two pages are always full of people telling you how unreasonable you are no matter what the issue is. In this case you are absolutely not being unreasonable, your DHis being thoughtless and selfish. Why should you have to move beds to accommodate his bloody podcasts?! The podcasts should go elsewhere - the bedroom is for SLEEPING not podcasts!!

Tamtim · 15/05/2026 07:49

The compromise is that he listens to his podcasts elsewhere until he’s ready to sleep and when he joins you in bed he wears his cpap machine. If one person wants to sleep and the other doesn’t, that person needs to remove themselves from the BEDroom.

Buy yourself some nice things for the spare room and move in there until he can be reasonable.

Frogrex · 15/05/2026 07:58

My OH has sleep apnoea but not bad enough to need a mask- he has a mouthguard made by ENT but it only works if he never changes position
We sleep seperately
He offered I didn’t ask- think he got sick of me kicking him in the night to shut up
I have MS though and struggle with sleep in general and if I don’t get enough it affects all my other symptoms
I feel it’s unfair if one person is happily snoring away but then the other person gets the “bum deal” so he should get the spare room in my opinion. Spent many nights lying awake in frustration almost in tears as I can’t sleep but he is flat out oblivious
Also he can listen to podcasts on his commute