Help me settle a bedroom disagreement with my and husband.

[CatsandSun]

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

Just turn the spare room into your own little haven and sleep in there! Bliss 😊

Can’t he dim his screen or lie phone flat

and you wear an eye mask

He needs better headphones and he doesn’t need to look at his phone while he’s listening to anything, he’s being daft. I listen to podcasts when I’m nodding off, I have one of those sleep phones head band things, it goes over my eyes and DH is right next to me and can’t hear a thing.

After all these years of him disturbing your sleep he needs to be a lot more considerate. And if you need to sleep apart he can have the spare room unless you particularly want it. He’s causing the problems, he moves.

Just move into the spare room

Move into the spare room. You'll both be much happier in general and also with each other. Haven’t shared bed with DH for 30 years and we're very loved up.

You can also wear ear plugs op , he can hide the phone under the covers. Sounds like uou have both become intolerant of one another and refuse to compromise.

He is not making a compromise strapping a mask to his face, twit. He is saving his own life. Does he not understand that Sleep Apnea kills? Without that mask he may die. If he's so against it send it back and let someone who needs it have it, there is quite a backlog on machines

Selfish

He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.

This is the thing that jumps out at me. He shouldn't still be snoring on his back! He should be asking for a review at the sleep clinic because I suspect the pressures are too low to adequately open his airways- which is equally very dangerous for his health. It should work in all sleep positions!

DH has sleep apnoea and he is now silent- in all positions. I'm still in the process of weaning myself off using ear plugs nightly. I also wear an eye mask because I too hate any amount of light. Stay in the spare room, or get him to move there until he gets a respiratory review.

Have separate bedrooms, there's no other solution and this is stressful for both of you.

If he gets the wireless earphones that are in a comfy headband, he can lie on his side to listen to the podcasts - this is what I do every night to get to sleep. And the phone can go under the covers or be turned upside down on a bedside table so it doesn’t emit any light.

I’d move into the spare room permanently. I sleep in the spare room 3 nights a week when we’ve had a drink and then whenever one of us has a cold etc. I love sleeping alone.

I would have been in the soars room years ago!

I am assuming this isn’t his DDs room?
If not, then make it into your own permanent bedroom - you can still cuddle up and have sex etc and then go back to your own room.

This wouldn’t even be a discussion.

YANBU.

My biggest question is how on earth did he not end up under the patio with his snoring for years and your insomnia? That or divorced. Typical that it took someone else telling him how fucking horrible his snoring was for him to GAF. I’m a snorer with sleep apnoea and a CPAP, and same for my DH.

Why has he changed his routine to listening to podcasts in bed? He can fuck back off elsewhere wherever it was that he was staying up late.

Why isn’t he listening to the podcasts on his commute? That’s 10 hours right there.

If he’s going to insist on podcasts in bed then the bare minimum he needs to do is put his mask on and lie on his side before he starts listening to them. Putting his phone on a timer to switch the podcast off is a good idea. And dim the damn screen. Turn that brightness all the way down.

Does he not realise that wearing his CPAP is for his benefit? To improve his health, so he can feel better and so that hopefully he won’t fall asleep while driving and kill himself or innocent people? Dickhead.

In the meantime enjoy your new bedroom in the spare room. Make it yours and enjoy your sleep.

And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.

It's not a bloody compromise! If he didn't strap his stupid mask on, he'd be at high risk of high blood pressure, heart failure and stroke.

Move to the spare room and stay there.

I’m sorry op but this is totally unacceptable. I have sleep apnea. Ironically my DH forced me into a diagnosis after 15 years of me snoring. I got the cpap and was terrified and it worked. 3 years later he started snoring horrifically and I told him he had to go through the same.

your DH needs to change his mask and find one that works in all positions, and even use a chin strap or mouth tape if needed.

in other news, we go to bed most nights with a podcast or audio book on. I use Audible or calm. Both have facilities to set a timer and then they go back and the screen doesn’t illuminate at all. He’s being selfish and that’s that. In your shoes, I’d send HIM to the state run ad he’s not compliant with his medical condition and he’s risking his healthy every night. 100% compliance and a proper audible type app that doesn’t light up. Even if he needs to change his phone settings to do not disturb on a schedule ( both me and my DH do this, as we don’t always go to bed together yet still survive 95% of nights together sharing a bed). Of one is us can’t sleep, we leave the bedroom and get on the couch without the cpap. We don’t make the other one suffer.

He should move into the spare room, not you. He’s the inconsiderate knob.

Like everyone says move to the spare room!

Exactly this. My husband used to go to the spare bedroom when his snoring disturbed my sleep constantly. Eventually, he came to accept this was his room now, though we often started the night together, or 'visited' like you said, in the mornings.

As we have aged, the visits are less frequent, but the marriage is all the stronger for us both getting the uninterrupted sleep that suits us both.

This. It is not difficult.

Why can't he sleep in the spare room? he sounds quite selfish tb.

I'd either agree a rule that for everyone, the bedroom is for sleeping only - no tv/podcasts etc or agree to sleep in separate rooms.

I sleep separately to my DP but have the master bedroom. He is the one who snores and uses one of the other rooms. I love it, it's great having your own space to do our own things if we want and more than anything else we both get a good nights sleep with no resentment between us. It's not as though you can't hop in with each other whenever you like for whatever reason.

The idea that this is in someway reflects poorly on the relationship is daft to me, we're happier as a result and it's not as though anyone is spending meaningful time together asleep in a bed at night.

Short answer is move rooms.

Long answer is he needs to overhaul a lot. His ear phones are too loud if you can hear them. He’s going to bed too late. Does he need to lose weight to stop the sleep apnea?

I’d look at sleep masks with speakers in them for you both if you’re staying in the same room.

Not sure being on sleeping tablets for 26 years is great? Probably worth looking at what might help you too.

Discuss this at the weekend during the day when nobody is tired or grumpy.

Wow didn’t expect so many responses so quickly. I have no issue at all with sleeping in the spare room, he hates it. This is his second marriage, my first. He thinks separate bedrooms will lead to problems like., lack of spontaneous sex, intimacy in general. He thinks that I am holding this over him.. Do as I say or I’ll move into the spare room (this is what he said this morning) I just want to be able to sleep, he wants to relax for a couple of hours in bed next to me and I should compromise on this.

He's utterly unreasonable. Why should you have to tolerate noise, light or snoring just because he thinks you should?

There's a spare room. Use it. There is no need whatsoever for the two of you to be having dreadful nights. Just sleep alone.

If I really wanted to attempt a compromise then suggest he can do podcasts in bed one night per week. Obviously not when you have work the next day. He can have one hour then podcast and phone off. What do you think about that?

Well he's heading for a second divorce if he pushes the issue and expects you to spend your life constantly feeling exhausted just in case he feels like some 'spontaneous intimacy'. The man's an idiot.