Help me settle a bedroom disagreement with my and husband.

[CatsandSun]

We had an argument about this last night and again this morning.
He has sleep apnea, diagnosed and he has a machine that stops his snoring, it only works if he lays on his side, on his back he still snores.
He only got diagnosed with this after years of me complaining about the lack of sleep i was getting because of the snoring.
A family holiday abroad made him realise how bad it was, because of the layout his teen daughter also told him how horrific it was.
We both work and have to be out of the door by 6.50am Monday-Friday. I work 30 hours but my office is a 10 minute walk, he works 40 hours but commutes an hour each way.
I have insomnia, I take pills have done since I was 18, now 44.
To fall asleep I need a dark and quiet room. I like to be in bed ready to sleep by 10.30.
My husband likes to stay up, until gone midnight some nights but normally 11.30ish.
He has started listening to podcasts, this is the issue.
He’ll come to bed at 10 with me but doesn’t see why I can’t stand him laying next to me, on his back with headphones in listening to podcasts.
My issue is, the light from his phone, I can still hear it regardless of headphones and he tends to doze and start snoring, last night nudged him awake to be told.. Fine, I’ll put my mask on but I’m still listening to it.
He kept dozing off, snoring starts because he’s on his back, it was so frustrating to lay next to while I’m trying to sleep.
I eventually got up and said.. Fuck this. I’ll sleep in the spare room from now on and you can come and get me when you actually want to go to sleep.
His argument is that number 1 he has less spare time than me to chill out listening to podcasts. And 2 that he already made a compromise by strapping a mask to his face every night.
He thinks I should learn to tolerate a little phone light and noise in return, who is being unreasonable here?

DH and I have had separate bedrooms for 20 years. Sex is great. Marriage is solid. We just sleep better on our own. Holidays must be prepared for: earplugs, agreement on going to bed same time, eye masks, sound machines.

His CPAP needs adjusting. I snore horrifically without mine but when in place I don’t snore.

He likely needs a new mask and perhaps an adjustment to the pressure settings.

I think make use of both bedrooms. But have a decent, calm, adult conversation about this, when you are both awake and relaxed. You both have different needs, and sometimes we are not compatible 24/7! Think about all the positive things about your relationship and share those with each other. Good luck!

As above, sleep in separate rooms! Pick the nicest one and claim that 😃Then get him to move into the other one. That way you both get a decent sleep. You will find that it is much easier to live with each other when you've solved this issue

My husband sleeping in the spare room has probably saved our marriage. We still sometimes nap together in the day and still have a great sex life but now I can actually sleep!

If he wants to relax with podcasts in a bed can he use the spare room for that?

Also he has a 1hour commute, I love my driving time for listening to podcasts!

If he wants to lie in bed listening to podcasts then let him lie in the spare room bed. There's no reason for him to lie next to you as you have your back to him trying to sleep. Then, when he's ready to sleep, he can come back to the main bed, providing it won't disturb you. Either that or he listens on noise cancelling headphones and doesn't scroll (hence the screen light).

You can have sleep apnea without being overweight- what a judgement!

No, no, no.

Sleep in a spare room. The machine is bad enough, but he’s being massively inconsiderate about the phone thing.

My friend’s husband wears a cpap machine. They sleep in separate rooms. Partly the noise of it, mostly she couldn’t bear to look at him with it on. 😂

I have not read all the replies but I am a firm believer in having a sleep divorce!

I also suffer insomnia and have for almost 27 years, my husband snores.
I eventually started sleeping on the sofa and then we moved so would go in the spare bedroom, now we have totally separate bedrooms. We love each other the same and do the walk of shame across the hallway but both get a good night sleep! I was always so tired in the mornings and was then irritable as hell in the evenings as I knew he would snore.

It works for us as a couple and only share a room on holidays or in hotels.

It’s 60-90 percent of people with sleep apnea are overweight, it is a fair question as it’s tn4 leading cause. It’s not a judgment, it’s a fair question.

This is what I’m going to do.

He needs to accept that your sleep is critical for your function. If you can't get enough sleep, you aren't likely to have the energy or mood for sex. The two of you need to find other times/ways to bond. Listening to podcasts while the person next to you is trying to sleep isn't exactly quality time, anyway.

It feels like two separate issues, though. There's the podcasts that are keeping you awake with the light and noise and there's the snoring. Does he really stay on his side if he doesn't fall asleep listening to podcasts? Because I tend to wake in a different position to the one I fall asleep in.

If his snoring is keeping you awake, sleeping separately may be the only way you get a decent rest. Maybe have 'cuddle time', then one of you goes to the other bed. It might not be his ideal preference, but it's better than a wife who's miserable and unhealthy because she never gets enough sleep.

You need to sleep. Humans don't function well with no sleep. If he's not going to stop listening to his podcasts, then there's little choice.

Once he has the podcast on could he put the phone face down? That way there will be minimal light. What about audible? You can set a timer with that so if you fall asleep it isn’t on all night! Could you wear ear plugs? Failing that just move to the spare room.

Once years ago I thought I'd come to bed and peep at my phone. H was fast asleep, I turned the other way and quietly looked at my phone.

H woke up within minutes asking what is that? What's happening? I realized how rude it was to interrupt his sleep and that even a tiny bit of light can wake some people up so I never did it again.

We now sleep in separate rooms bc of MY snoring. H had resorted to sneaking off to the sofa in the middle of the night and one day I noticed the sofa looked like a bed/nest and we talked it over and cleared out the guest bedroom.

Sleep is so important its bordering on cruel to knowingly mess someones sleep up!

Loop Dream Earplugs.

https://amzn.eu/d/05gzLP7L

Or the spare room.

@CatsandSun

1. He shouldn't be staying up 23:00 or midnight if he has to leave the house by 06:50 each morning. Your bed time of 22:30 is more sensible (though even that is a bit late).

1. If by "podcast" you mean radio show, listening to the radio in bed is not a good idea.

1. You should be sleeping in the spare bedroom every night.

1. If he is overweight, he should lose weight to address the sleep apnoea.

This is what will end your marriage, not different rooms for sleeping. The resentment that will set in at you not being allowed to sleep well because he insists on you having to listen to his podcasts and snoring. Who wants to have sex with someone putting them in that scenario?

Well he is being selfish. Loads of people have separate bedrooms, it’s a luxury.

Stick to your guns.

I have a sound bar that goes under my pillow. I can lay on my side and listen to podcasts without disturbing my partner or looking at my phone.

See thread about separate bedrooms.

My ex used to read in bed till the small hours, with the light on (decades ago) and insisted that if I went to bed earlier (I got up at 6 for work) I did not put out the light since this was suggesting that he should not read - he was so intelligent his mind would not wind down until he had read in bed!
We divorced. Not esp over this but the general lack of consideration of others needs, views and wishes that it exemplified (he also unilaterally and without discussion became vegetarian meaning we all had to be vegetarian at home since we went in for elaborate cooking, it wasn't just a matter of putting cheese in his salad/veg pizza on his plate instead of what the rest of us were having). I feel for you.

He can listen to his podcasts on his commute
surely? This is what I do and if he wants to listen in bed his screen doesn't need to be lit up to do so. If he uses ear buds I'd recommend a snooze band so they don't dig in laying on his side. Tbh I'd just decamp to the spare room. I had insomnia when I was pregnant and my DH went to the spare room and stayed there afterwards as we both slept much better. Sleep is so important, especially if you already struggle with insomnia, you need to do what's best for you. Hope it works out ok

I did one better than the spare room and moved into my own house. I HATE sleeping in the same room/bed as DP.