To wonder what this school mum has been saying about me

[Aintgotnomama]

There's a school Mum that I've known for a few years. She's recently been acting strange around me. I suspect I know why and I'll explain shortly. I've also noticed that the other mums who are close with her have also being acting strange with me. They are giving off 'mean girl' vibes and it has me pondering what on earth has been said to them.

We all see eachother a lot due to clubs, parties, school runs etc. I'm happy to say a pleasant hi/bye, keep it simple and will continue to do so.

They have all been incredibly hostile for a while. I've ignored it and focused on my own happenings as I have too many real problems in my life to give this too much head space however, they are really rude and it's getting a bit weird.

I suspect this behaviour has stemmed from me missing the 'main culprits' childs' party. Of course it wasn't a great thing to do. I mixed up my days thinking the party was on a Sunday when it was actually the Saturday. I seen the bday Mum make a fb post, on the Sat and realised my mistake. I instantly messaged the Mum to apologise. Bday Mum didn't respond.

In my defence, I had 5 different kids parties that month, including my own child's to organise. I was 4 weeks into a new career and up to my eyeballs with training. I have a demyelinating chronic disease that flared up and hospitalised me for 2 days that same week requiring some invasive treatment and my head was all over the place trying to juggle everything. A mixed up in days was an honest mistake given the stress I was under.

I then noticed I was deleted on fb by bday Mum and a few others. Fine, we weren't that close so it's understandable. They also left some joint WhatsApp groups.

Then came the more hostile behaviour from bday Mum. 'Growling' acting 'standoffish' going to weird lengths to avoid contact and interactions. The other parents in her circle started behaving the same way towards me.

It's all a bit bizarre really and I won't be acting on it because I'ts all very batshit and have real life problems to deal with.

But aibu to find this all very childish and unnecessary? I really can't understand why grown woman would feel the need to act like this, especially the ones I don't really know and are following what the bday Mum had told them.

OP, I am sorry these women are being horrible and they sound totally ridiculous. But that's in them, not you.

However... you are being ridiculous in getting annoyed about people not knowing that 'growl' is supposed to mean 'scowl.' Ffs! How is anyone meant to know that, outside of your specific locale? There are billions of people across the English-speaking world, and 99.9% of them will never have heard 'growl' being used in the same context as 'scowl.' I am 54 and have spoken English since birth in the U.K. and literally thought these women had all decided to make some kind of growling noise at you ehen you said hello to them - which would be next-level nastiness, wouldn't it? I thought that because it's what you wrote. Fine to use colloquialisms, but not fine to get annoyed at the wider world who will have never have encountered your turns of phrase.

I don't think it's the fact that they didn't know, so much as that people keep going on and on about it, when they could easily just have read a bit more of the thread.

@Aintgotnomama These women clearly have nothing better to do in their lives than be over-offended about fuck all! There’s always some sort of batshit, self-appointed Queen Bee of the playground, surrounded by a gang of tragic wannabes. They’re inevitably the mean girls from their own school lives. Ugh. You’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever, you owe them
nothing & are handling yourself with dignity - keep doing what you’re doing & don’t give them the headspace - they’re pathetic. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I politely explained it on page 1 and others did repeatedly throughout the post.

Where did I say I was annoyed at people not understanding it? It's the xenophobia that's been ridiculous on here.

I sympathise, OP.

Nothing much to add to the good advice here, but what you're experiencing is a common problem. For most of our lives (school, college, work, hobbies) we actively choose friends or gravitate to people who share our values, attitudes, interests etc.

But in some situations, such as the school gate, you're thrown into the company of people with whom the only thing you have in common is a child of the same age. And realistically you have to get on with them on some level.

I remember being unnerved at the small-minded, petty and mean attitudes I saw in some school mums (yes - it WAS the mums in this case). I'd never met people who took offence so easily, were super-touchy and chippy, and then, on the basis of thinking someone had 'given them a funny look', would send people to Coventry or give them the evils while waiting for their children. It was like being back at primary school!

It was worse than the school playground! Luckily, I was working part-time and had a bunch of mates outside school. But it's hard if you haven't got those things. Just style it out and smile at them while hurrying past.

Are you not able to just read something and if you don't understand why a particular word has been used, assume it's either typo, genuine spelling error, or maybe just difference in dialect? I'm using a collective "you" here by the way.

Crazy how it's considered the absolute height of rudeness to correct someone's spelling but not to pick holes in a correctly spelled word that you don't understand because you wouldn't use it in that context.

They are behaving ridiculously, we had a child not turn up to our DC birthday and they didnt message for 2 weeks. I was annoyed but not enough to bitch to other mums and campaign, mainly because their child had allergies which I had catered for.

When they messaged, they had just moved house and found the invite when unpacking boxes. Absolutely one of those things. All done and dusted and forgiven.

It sounds like this mum doesn’t like you and was just waiting for an excuse to stick the knife in.

How is someone who lives, and maybe has always lived, in an area where a certain word is used supposed to know that it is not used in other areas?

Anyway - I am 99.9% sure that this woman is just a nasty person and her friend are either brainless followers or nasty people too, but is there a very faint chance she never saw your message? For that reason alone, I think I would give her one more chance with a message asking the lines of the "hey Mandy" one upthread, brief, friendly and to the point, not listing all the things you had going on at the time as I agree with some of the others that you won't help matters by appearing to make it all about you. If she doesn't respond well to that - I wouldn't bother with her any more. There are much nicer people out there.

👏🙌

"How is someone who lives, and maybe has always lived, in an area where a certain word is used supposed to know that it is not used in other areas?"

Thank you for understanding and explaining it to others.

A quick read of my comment on page 1 would have also cleared up any misunderstanding. People love to get the boot in and can't possibly fathom that the English language vastly different depending on where you live.

We don't/can't all speak with the Royal palate and thats okay.

Both those make sense too, but I think the origin of gowl is Irish rather than Scottish.

Anyway, I’ll not post regarding colloquialisms again because the OP views this as xenophobic and it’s clearly upsetting her.

It isn't, gowl in Irish has a different meaning because it comes from a different root word. Also, gowl is Scots not Scottish.

Id stop posting if I were you. Aside from upsetting the OP, your updates are tinged with a condescension and, more importantly, wrong.

The only thing linking these mums is their children. Once kids start to grow up, go to different schools, classes etc.... only a very small minority of mums continue to be friends so dont worry and carry on being yourself.

I had similar when my DD1 was in primary. Queen bitch took against me. Apparently I ignored her DH one morning on the school run. Yes I was overwhelmed my cheating abusive XH was tormenting me, my job was very pressured and I was trying to do everything I obviously didn't even see him.
But I was promptly excommunicated and treated like shit ever more.
Meh they still live in their little high school mean girl bubbles. Seriously 40/50yr old women behaving like teenagers. Its pathetic.
I just moved on and concentrated on my own actual friends.
These mean girls never grow up.

Oh sof off with this nonsense

And I knew exactly what she meant (Scottish person).

so much condescension here

They are insecure arseholes who have created bonding over hating on a scapegoat.
Adults can and do behave this way.
It's pathetic.

Unfortunately, this kind of tit for tat always escalates arguments, rather than making them better.

You’re not rising above the issue. You’re very angry about it.

She feels angry with you because she feels you treated her with disdain.

You feel angry with her because you feel she has treated you with disdain.

If you want her to like you again, and for the vendetta to be dropped, you do need to explain why you did not in fact treat her with disdain.

Maybe you will say it’s more important for you to hold on to your resentment than it is for her to understand and forgive you. In that case, crack on and ignore her. But don’t complain. You will have made your choice.

Nevertheless, in reality the vendetta is upsetting you. But your pride will not let you “demean” yourself by explaining.

Personally, I don’t value that kind of pride at all. I value open communication and having enough goodwill to give and take a bit. On both sides.

This is just an unfortunate misunderstanding. And it can be solved by dialogue, if both people remain reasonable.

Someone did this to me the other day, I mentioned to someone during the party that she hadn’t arrived - who obviously tipped her off as absent mum texted me straight away to say so sorry she had forgotten.

I reassured her that we all have so much to think about, it’s no big deal and that there will be other parties. IMO that would be the normal way to deal with it.

Keep things light and don’t take it to heart.

I would ask them "how old they identify as"

Don't most mums work these days? It surprises me people have time to be this petty, when I see posts about this sort of thing, or about school-run outfits. OP, you could try explaining in detail why you missed the party, but after all this time, it might make no difference. While people might say she's entitled to her feelings, it's pathetic for her to be like this.

I’d just carry on exactly as you have been. It was a genuine mistake which you apologised for. To drag it out and turn people against you for it is beyond petty.

They’ve shown you who they are now, and I think your strategy to be civil but detached is the right one. I also observed when my kids were that age that the queen bee mothers often had children who behaved in the same way, so, while it can’t be very nice for you, I think it’s probably given you a valuable insight about who to give a wide berth in the playground

I swear the playground has the effect on mums that it does on kids. It's like the bullies get a second chance to relive their school days. I am over 40 so am well over the drama and will speak to maybe 2/3 parents and that's it. Don't need that drama. I've heard a lot of these parents WhatsApp groups are toxic as hell as well. I'd rather my child gets invited to parties of those she's truly close to than as a number for the mum to make out how popular they are and play playground games if anyone turns them down. You were understandably dealing with a lot. I certainly would have struggled to keep on top of it all as well.As for what they are spreading, let them, whoever believes the narrative without asking your side of the story isn't worth your time. It is an easy way to weed out backstabbing people

I completely agree with you PlayingDevilsAdvocste - sounds like the mum had paid for the OP’s kid to attend the party and got no detailed explanation as to what had happened. OP has this happened before with other parties where you’ve forgotten - no hate, just asking?. I’d defo take the present round for birthday child asap and tell the mum the whole story. Sorry this has been tricky for you but PlayingDevilsAdvocate is right in what she says.

What a weird take on this whole situation.

No it hasn't happened before and even if it had, why would it matter?

It's a little hard to give a 'better' explanation when they have completely ignored me and have gone to strange lengths to avoid me. They have also deleted me off digital platforms.

Why would I 'reward' this behaviour by grovelling and giving gifts? The child didn't exactly miss out. It was a whole class party at a soft play, they didn't even notice my child was missing.