Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

I’m in the same position and don’t really get comments tbh. I think most working parents recognise that things can be a lot easier and cheaper with this setup.
If you get comments from some I would suggest they might be jealous of your flexibility and how well it works for your family?
I work part time, three DC in school and do a LOT when I’m not working meaning that our lives work. I feel very lucky to be able to do this. Our lives would be much worse if I worked full-time. I know it, my DH knows it. They’d be lost without me, just as we’d be lost without him. The fact that we all know that and say it often is all that matters to me really.

Good one try this op.

You'd probably get criticised by someone else if you were full time and had your kids in wrap around from 8:30am to 6:00pm. You can't win. I work 20 hours a week and it's great 😁

Your fil should mind his own buisness and your colleagues are jealous

I've had these kind of comments and actually getting really offended and annoyed has worked better at getting them to stop for me!

I’ve pretty much worked part time throughout my whole marriage. Even before kids. I’m used to comments like these. I’ve come to realise that it is often jealousy disguised as over righteousness.

There’s a huge clue in what they say though. They refer to you being “allowed” that suggests they have amenable partners.

As for your FIL comparing you unfavourably to your SIL and putting in your DH more, what a twit. Just pretend you’re both super traditional in your views and you think men that want equality are a bit too feminine for your liking. Works a treat from my experience.

How infuriating! Comments will be from people who don’t understand/ haven’t been in your situation eg FIL!

I've had some really insensitive comments before from colleagues say in front of me "I would never go part time, it's career suicide" "I'm not going part time with how much it reduces your pension, it's terrible" "I couldn't wait to get back to work, being at home with kids was so boring" etc. They knew I was part time and just come back from maternity leave, it made me feel rubbish, even though I love being part time.

You need to perfect a few responses. The good old 'and?' or 'and your point is?' always makes me feel better. Just be confident in your choices and don't take any crap.

But they are referring to themselves, not you

If you love it , why would it bother you?

Isn't it pretty obvious then, if none of the women you had in your social circle were full time, then you're not going to get snarky comments about being part time?!

Next time your FIL says something I would call his bluff. ‘Actually I’m glad you brought this up, I am thinking of going full time but will need some help with picks ups, I know you live quite far away but could you get them Tuesday, Thursday and Fridays?’ He won’t ask again.

In my experience, it was my peers - women my age, and especially women at work, they had a real bee in their bonnet about me working 'only' 3 days a week. As has been said, it's nothing to do with them, and has zero impact on them, yet they just couldn't help themselves commenting.

Thos type of person is usually the same type who asks when you're having a baby as soon as you get married, why you rent your home and don't buy it, and when you're having another baby, 3 days after you've just had one! Nosey, intrusive comments from people who it has fuck-all to do with.

Not being funny, but it's easy to say 'why do you let peoples comments bother you?' In reality, there are very few people who aren't bothered by constant comments and opinions from people about their home, car, appearance, partner, parenting style, job, etc etc, or the fact they don't work full time.

When it's constant, it's relentless, and can cross the line into bullying, and I don't believe ANYone who says they don't care what anyone says about them, ever. Of course people are bothered. (Most people!) You wouldn't be human if you weren't!

.

Some people are dickheads. Ignore.

I think you are misunderstanding what I meant.

What people say or do is a reflection of their insecurities, beliefs and thoughts
It is NOTHING to do with anyone else.
People who are secure and do not outsource validation to others are innately aware of this

People who are insecure or internally angry or resentful will struggle to manage their feelings, they like to plop them onto others to feed off the emotional reactions or conversely they think they are the focus of the ambush and its about them or a dig

Think of it like this
The negative emotion they cant cope with( never learnt) is a rock, they throw it
Are you going to catch it or step to the side ?

Edit
Anyone who was constant in their unwanted comments would be told, then information embargo if I couldnt ditch them

It is entirely your business how you rumn your livess, these people should not express an opinion , unless invited- avoid them.
Even if you were a lazy shopaholic cow, it's absolutely none of their business, don't justify , simply avoid.

I agree. Can people honestly say that comments from others have never bothered them? When they’re upset, I can’t imagine them finding “why are you letting it bother you” helpful.

its not a competition. Its a choice and that choice only has to suit you and your partner and the kids. Apart from your fil and its absolutely appropriate for you to tell him to butt (the fuck) out, I think you just ignore the other comments. I mean seriously reply by talking about the weather which I find works well. So far as the "surprised your husband lets you comment" I think that's plain jealousy.

The point is you dont get upset in the first place because its nothing to do with you if Janice is worried about her pension I made AVCs into mine anyway or if she would be bored

Literally zero to do with me and my choices and everything to do with hers.
If you immediately jump to " omg she said Im boring" then you have issues

Honestly once you change your mindset its very freeing
Obvs if she calls you a c**t then thats different!

Oh that's dark but I like it 👌

I really encourage everyone who has children to discuss this idea with them as they get older. It's important that teenagers and young adults reframe this prehistoric narrative of a lazy housewife. I have seen several men recently make this point to their teenage sons, along the lines of 'mum put in all the childcare hours to allow me to focus on work, she sacrificed so I could succeed'.

I said exactly that to MIL about BIL.

She was going on about how lucky her dd was that he was so successful and doing so well. I pointed out it was because SIL was so supportive and surely he was the lucky one.

It’s very hard to not be riled by in-laws. They have this bizarre role that they can issue opinions like parents but if you tell them to stfu/ butt out they will take offence.

if my dad comes out with shite it’s easier to challenge.

That’s my experience of being married for nearly 25 anyway.

If its family you make a bingo card 😂
Seriously my DH would be told to have words and shut that right down

I also agree- but I just won't listen to it, and I will tell them so if they persist. Should they be undaunted and carry on my opinion of them plummets and I really don't care what they say.