Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

Yes

he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

Say this, each and every time some rude fucker passes comment. And then say no more, let them fill in any gap. Utter twats, I'm raging on your behalf.

I've worked 4 or 3 days a week since the kids were born...they are grown now.
Never had any comments
Who are these people?

"Lucky he lets me? Away tae fuck back to the 50's!" would be one example of how I'd respond.

As for FIL, I'd remind him he's welcome to babysit his other grandchildren if he's so desperate for you to work full-time. I'd also tell my husband he'd better say something to shut up the comments before the other side of me really comes out, but I tend to react negatively to people trying to put me down, so there's that.

I also have had to bear the brunt of comments about being part-time and whatnot … arseholes!

This is where I struggle with rude unsolicited comments.

I feel that it’s a personal attack, so I then want to justify and defend myself and make them realise.

So there’s a battle in my head between either completely ignoring (fuck what they think), telling them to mind their business which will then likely result in me being the bad guy 🤷‍♀️ or explaining and defending our lifestyle. Which I don’t think as a grown adult I should have to do.

Your DH should take on more of the telling people to back off. Especially his family.

DH’s aunt started similar crap recently. She’s very scathing of any woman that doesn’t work full time. She had a go at her own DD for giving up an evening job when she and her partner no longer needed her to work two jobs. Always uses the work “let” when a woman does anything. Sat at the table at a wedding and she came out with a comment about DH working long hours, being away a lot, then me being at home ‘all the time’ and DH silenced her with a “isn’t it kind of JAW to let me do that. I’d have to get a different job if she didn’t help me so much”. She was very quickly silenced.

His other favourite go to when his aunt says I should go back to work is “why?”

OP It sounds like you don't bite back so people feel safe to be judgemental. I would spend some time alone thinking about what people have said and considering appropriate combacks so they are ready to hand next time it happens. And a follow up if possible if you can anticipate their response.
e.g. with FiL off the top of my head ' oh yes I'll go back to work FT as soon as DP is able to be in one place for a whole week and I have parents round the corner to help with pick ups - just like SiL in fact, right?' or 'I'd love to, I'm glad you brought it up - which 4 days can you do pick ups for us like you do SiL to enable this?'
Likewise with friends: 'Isn't it interesting how people always feel they have the right to judge women's choices - why do you think that is?'. Or in response to spending 'How much money do you think he saves by me doing his 50% of childcare'? (following a long speculation on cost of childcare including time when he is travelling and can't be home...). Or for husband 'letting' you spend 'his' money 'oh, you mean in the same way I 'let' him work by doing his share of childcare? Using my time for his benefit?'...you get the idea.

I work part time. I get jealous comments from my colleagues but it's all good natured, and I just respond with a 'it sucks to be you' type comment.

That’s so rude and judgemental!
I worked full time until I split with my husband, eventually dropping to the three days that I work now which admittedly is term time too.
i make no apology for working the hours that fit around my caring responsibilities.
Most people are amazed I work at all as my girls have autism, one is non verbal with LD too.
My ex fil and his wife were the only ones that were dismissive about my work.
Which is ironic as while I took minimal mat leave, all the women in their family took years and years off and either didn’t work or worked minimal (one day weekly term time!!).

I hear you op

I reply yes dh is so lucky with how much I do

Then they just look so confused, people making comments are probably jealous or they think wrong ly your dh is doing far more than you, which we know is laughable

Trust me, it was relentless and she 100% had some sort of chip on her shoulder! Anything anyone did, she was always much worse off. About everything! She was draining.
She wasn’t the only one that made digs about working part time.

My mil was a sahm until their children were 16 🤣
Which makes it even more of a cheek that they dare comment.

But this is the other side of the coin isn’t it?
There is a judgement on women who do choose to work FT. What about women who need to make the money? Or simply want to be something more than a mum? Or working not just for today but for the future so that her kids can have a good start in life? It’s a very outdated perspective on women raising children. Whether you work FT or PT should have no weight on how good of a parent you’re perceived to be.

Possibly. There's a lot to said for being a bigger dick. If FIL brings it up again, make the conversation about how unfair it is that he does so much more to help SILs kids and ask when he's going to do his fair share with yours so you can work part time too. Aim for uncomfortable. Some people need to learn the hard way.

People should mind their own. But it can work the other way. I have a friend who works two days and i was full time although I do have mobility issues and she always used to say "ooh I don't know how you do it if I were you i would cut down to 4 days, you won't lose much" she had no idea that financially I really needed to. We are still friends i just used to keep quiet.
I'm retired now but carried on working for 6 months when I got my pension to save a little bit. I did cut down to 28 hours from 39 because I could afford it then.

Fuck what people say and think. You are not taking advantage at all ffs. I am currently pregnant. We have no family support either. I am moving 100 miles away to be in my partners house. He has manual labour job whereas I work from home. We ear the same wage, except he works 20h a week more than me for it.

After my maternity leave he will have to go part -time for weekends only or Friday-Sunday so I can return to work full time, assuming I manage to remain fully remote or commute once a week or less as it is 5-6h round trip. We are still figuring this out. But for me to go part-time it will mean less salary, less time at work but the same workload. I work on projects that are 3months to 2 years long so reducing my workload is not possible as project management is hard to split- it requires what it does. It is also much harder for me to change jobs, recruitment takes 3-6months and is harder to move between part and full time. On the other hand, it took him 2 weeks to find and start a new job, he can easily get agency work on the weekends if needed and bounce between full time and part time.

The few people I have shared this plan have made similar comments. You can’t win either way. The reality is we only want one child and want to do it properly by spending as much time with her. If we were both to stay in full time employment with commute and nursery cost since there are no funded hours in Wales until they are 3/4, one of us will literally work to pay for someone else to look after our child. We don’t want that..

If I cannot go back to remotely then he will start doing nights to increase his income while I can change jobs or we will sale the house and move somewhere we can both work/commute although that’s last resort option. Sure, that also faced criticism.

You are working and taking care of your kids. It works for both of you. Try not to care about what people say and think as you really cannot win. Whatever you choose you will be criticised. I have always been career driven and am having a family much later which I regret. I was told I may not even be able to have children which destroyed me. Now I get nasty looks when I say that after sacrificing my entire 20s to studying and work I would rather be a stay at home mum but sadly cannot afford it. I am extra sassy, so when family, friends or whoever gives me an opinion or advice like what you are getting my response is “if you don’t feed, fuck or finance me - you get no opinion!” That shuts them up permanently

I’d have thought if anything the opposite is true - DH is using you to further his own career…..

Yes I hear that and I often feel torn between not reacting which feels like ignoring, and allowing that behaviour

Or sticking up for yourself but then you also give them a reaction

Something I struggle with too

Ah right I see it’s the in-laws. They would also criticise if you worked full time and their darling son had to pull his weight more.

Just ask his dad what days is he able to help out with pickups etc so you can increase your hours.

So your FIL is salty that his wife was a SAHM until the kids were 16 and is taking his annoyance out on you.

Every time he does it just tell him your DH thinks MIL was a wonderful example and your DH wants to follow their example. He then can’t say anything unless he’s being negative about his own choices with his wife

I guess one way of answering could be, say your fil asking you, when you're going to increase your hours..
Oh I dint talk about money and personal things

However anyone rude and entitled enough to ask those questions tend to keep pushing ......

He would perhaps reply. I'm not asking about yout finances I'm asking when youre going to increase your hours

Just ignore them. You're both happy witn your lives.

Then remind them of that fact.

I used to say why does it bother you so much about how many hours I work? In my case I worked part time, got loads of comments, then was a sahm, got loads of comments. I found asking that question really telling.

Learn to ask questions rather than answer them. Why would you want to know that? We are not close enough friends to be discussing this. How does this affect you? Do you ask these sorts of questions of everyone?

For your FIL say "asked and answered" and repeat.