Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

I’ve had comments like this too, a few from (jealous) colleagues and one from an ex friend.
‘Oh I wish I could just work part time but I’m on my own and need to pay the mortgage’ blah blah blah. My DH works long hours 7 days a week, so pretty much everything was left to me and I have two children compared to her one! Used to really rile me!

I would reply that DH is lucky that he can work full-time because I work part-time and I pick up all the slack and do all the Childcare and the school pick up and take time off work if children are ill et cetera et cetera

And father-in-law, I would make clear to him that you would be more than happy to work full-time if he would come and pick up your children or his son’s children the way that he picks up his other grandchildren

Exactly what I was going to say! Yes, you are married but he is securing his future because your position allows him to. I wonder how they'd feel if you pointed this out.

I actually completely agree but this is why it gets my back up so much.

Although working part time is lovely, I do feel as though I’m making sacrifices.

Take my sil as the example, she and her husband both work full time, but her husband wfh and finishes at 5. So they share the school runs, my mil and fil pick up their dc four times a week and take them to their clubs and things.

It’s not a comparable situation.

Some people just like to comment and judge women. I guarantee if you worked full time the same people would say you never see your children because you're too career focused

I work part time sometimes I get a funny comment. I just say ohh it's great I love it and so does dh, do you wish you could go part time? 😂

Ignore them. Your family benefit from you being there for them. I work part time now and a retired neighbour comments on how little I seem to work.

It’s just very one sided.

I doubt dh ever gets told he’s lucky he can prioritise his work and earn so well because he has a wife doing everything else.

Ffs there’s a quote that springs to mind:
We expect women to work as if they don’t have children, and raise children like they don’t work
I’m paraphrasing here

But the sentiment is true. You get judged either way. There is absolutely no grace for mothers. You’re a SAHM or work PT - you’re a kept woman on a jolly, you work FT you’re a bad mum because you’re not raising your kids.

I’ve just accepted that people are arseholes and we leave it at that.

I'm surprised so many people are commenting. You don't have to justify anything you do to anyone else. Don't even entertain their comments. If someone says something, just look at them, look away and pretend they haven't spoken.

I'm not working at all at the moment even though my kids are teens and I could work fulltime. I dare anyone to comment! They wouldn't though as they don't have a death wish.

These people are extremely rude.

I did similar when DC were young, except that XH could very easily have adapted his work hours to do more childcare and enable me to work more. He just didn't want to!

Nobody ever commented on it at all. Until XH left me. Then he accused me of having sponged off him for years. He must have been saying similar to anyone who would listen. Ex-FIL actually commented to me that it wasn't true that I was lazy, because I did all the XYX and so on!

I thought people were much more aware these days of what stay at home parents contribute and give up.

Definitely have a few comebacks up your sleeve.

If it works for you and DH then thats all that matters. Tell people that you are both happy with your situation and you feel fortunate to be able to manage this way.
Then change subject.
If they persist I suggest not communicating with them anymore.
Sounds like jealousy to me.
I work 3 days. DP works 2 jobs (his choice) we are both happy with our set up, I am around for the kids, inset days, clubs, school runs although DP can do bits. We dont have anyone in our lives questioning us or making comments about when im going to work FT 🤷‍♀️

I used to work part time when DC was young, and I would get comments all the time too. I worked Monday-Wednesday so every Wednesday the rest of the team would be like “it’s your Friday today” “you get 4 days off” bla bla bla and I would say “I get a part time wage too!”

Ignore them, they’re just jealous.

I work part time and my dc are adults. I have had a few comments over the years and more recently I get the ‘when are you going back to full time’. Couldn’t care less. No intention of ever working full time again.

Bore them earnestly with the facts. Explain that you are aware you are sacrificing your career prospects and pension plan and it was a difficult decision to make, to let go of that financial independence and security, but you and DH both did the sums and realised that wrap around childcare, emergency cover for child sickness/inset days and full time care for school holidays, plus a cleaner, would cost about £50-70k a year. You both realised it makes financial sense for you to work part time. It actually brings more money into the household. And it benefits the children to be around a parent not professional childcarers.

I would want to let them know every single last dull fact in great detail if they were rude enough to call you a sponger for being a SAHM who also works PT.

This.

As long as both partners are happy then no one else should comment.

The fact is that many men in senior careers positions have been able to reach those ranks because their spouse has taken the majority share of housework and childcare. If these men had to take time out of their week to do several pick ups, attend all assemblies, all GP appointments etc then they probably wouldn't have reached that level of career success in that same time. It's a sign of how society belittles and views unpaid, domestic work, which is usually performed by women.

I'd ge swiftly correcting them

I used to work PT in a high pressure role - tbf I worked 4 days not 5 so it was still a lot of hours. I would still send DC2 in to nursery on one of the weekdays I had off while eldest was in school so I had a day to just catch up on housework and have a bit of a day to clear my head. Some of the mums in my circle used to say ‘ohhh we no longer have sympathy for you as you get a day to yourself while we’re (working or SAHM)’. It’s all just jealousy. People always need to be in competition over how tired they are or how much they have on.

First post nails it, as usual.

I work PT and I don't even have children to look after! I just keep my working life vague, no-one really seems to understand what I do anyway.

I’m guessing you are a soft natured person for these people to dare make such personal intrusive comments. That’s a nice way to be with people who respect and care about you but I think developing a tougher alternative watermelon for everyone else would serve you well.

Stop telling your colleagues personal stuff. If they pry ask them why they need to know whatever they have asked. You can be cheerful and friendly while swerving personal conversations.

As for FIL, your husband should have stopped that as soon as it started. All he has to say is, “Dad, this is how I want my family life to be so can you please stop undermining me by having digs at watermelon “

Weird. Perfectly normal set up, especially when one parent has to travel or work long hours. It's our set up and I've never had any comments.

No one seems to value the importance of raising your own children anymore. Why is ‘working’ and earning money deemed more important? If you can afford to work part time, I would absolutely recommend doing this. It’s better for everyone but especially your children. I would ignore any comments and have faith in your own arrangements x

A mum can't get it right. I'm a solicitor witha good career and long hours and small children and all I get is how do you do it, do you feel guilty, I coould never leave a baby with a nanny etc etc

Just roll with it.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

I seem to have the misfortune of having several nosey, judgemental people in my life.

I’m wondering if people realise that they get away with it with me.

They sound jealous. If one parent has a stressful not-very-flexible job and money isn’t an issue it makes sense for the other parent to work less and do all of the ‘stuff’ (food shop, appointment, deliveries, gardening, tidying etc etc) in the rest of the time to make sure both parents can relax and enjoy the time they spend together.